Atheists Talk To God
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A lot of my friends are atheists or agnostics. Some are Christian, some Hindu, some Sikh, some Jewish, some Russian Orthodox or, to avoid covering every religion going, some of my friends ‘believe’ in their God.
MMA’s Gregory B Gonzalez recently did an excellent article about God and being agnostic. It received an incredible amount of ‘hits’ did Gregory’s article so I though I’d explore God as well – I’m not daft me you know 😉 Now when I say ‘explore’ I don’t mean pack my rucksack and piss off to Tibet in search of enlightenment of course, I merely mean, well, lets have a little chat about God.
Something that has always puzzled me is why we, the non-believers, keep talking to a God we don’t believe in. Perhaps it’s a form of religious schizophrenia or something, but we do you know. We all do it. We chat away to a celestial being who doesn’t exist whilst telling people we don’t believe in him in the first place.
To be fair to me mind you, I’m agnostic so it’s a bit different for me and Gregory.
Will I get in trouble saying ‘him’ these days? After all, God in his non-existence could be a woman couldn’t he, er, she?
Anyway, I’m digressing again. I really should stop digressing as I forget what I was saying or about to say and end up saying something I hadn’t thought of saying always assuming I was thinking before I said what I wasn’t going to say.
We talk to God. Oh yes we do! Don’t go telling Norman porkies now. (‘Porkies’ is rhyming slang for ‘lies’ as in ‘pork pies’ just so you know)
Where was I? Oh yes. Now don’t go telling me porkies. You talk God and you know it.
Examples?
“Oh God! This movie is so boring!”
“Oh God! Will The Dolphins ever win the Super Bowl again?”
“Oh God! I hate McDonalds!”
“Oh God! Will Norman EVER shut up???”
“Oh God! Oh God! Oh God! YES! YES! YES! Oh God! Oh God! AAAAAAaaaaaaahhhhh” (use your imaginations for that one 😉
See? I told you non-believers all. There you go chatting away to a non-existent deity and claiming you are atheists.
It’s all right for us agnostics you know. We’re hedging our bets so when we say “Oh God! It’s so hot! I could murder a cold beer” which, quite by chance, I just did say shortly before writing it, we can get away with it because we just don’t think it’s likely that God is out there or up there or wherever he/she is supposed to be but we aren’t saying definitively ‘God isn’t there!’ so we can say ‘Oh God! Where’s the bloody bottle opener?” with impunity. So there!
You atheists on the other hand. Well, what can I say? Perhaps more to the point, what can you say?
“Oh God! I’ve just drilled through my thumb!”
Excuse me? You should be saying “Oh non-existent deity that I don’t believe in, I’ve just drilled through my thumb!” – then it would make sense and you couldn’t be accused of religious schizophrenia.
So, atheist pals of mine, stop saying God then or the men in white coats might come to take you away as talking loudly to an invisible non-existent deity just might land you in a padded cell in a straight jacket with a stick between your teeth.
Don’t blame me. Just giving you a word to the wise.
(As I have written the word ‘God’ twenty one times including the header I await masses of hits with pleasure) 😉
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” I await masses of hits with pleasure”…….???
Ummmmm, Norman is there something else you’d like to tell us about?
It’s ok, Norman, everybody has a little kink!
Again mistress! Oh God! Again! 😉
We’re all brainwashed with ‘god’ expressions. The ‘devil’ made me say that!
I did not!
OMG! Did I open a can of worms here?
Worms are God’s creatures old bean 😉
I admit to using goddamn more often than not, but fuck is my go to swear word for all things and can easily replace god in most situations, if you have a potty mouth. Ah for fuck’s sake, it’s hot here. Aw fuck I just dropped my damn phone. Oh fuck, don’t stop. It’s a more versatile word than god is for me, so there you have it. My mother said that using any cuss words was the sign of an unintelligent mind, my dad said sometimes you just have to use the word fuck Jessica, nothing else fits. I always listened to my dad.
For God’s fucking sake! 😉
jess. my mother used to say the same thing….no, she didn’t, that was my father….an uneducated army sergeant who drank too much. my mother didn’t believe in cussing so she just never spoke of it.
outside of those “cell phone fell overboard” moments…i just find it inexplicable.
what i’m doing in this conversation, i have no idea…well, maybe. norman started it and, well…holy chuckwu…or something like that.
(sigh) it’s me again.
alright! i filled in the blanks that time. have i been permanently reduced to anonymous status?
Nope. According to this comment you are Pennyjane Hanson 🙂
sorry…who are you again? 😉
Nope, not when you are as fabulous as you are.
I know that you have to send comments slowly. In otherwords, fill in the blanks, and all you need really is your name, and then type your text. Do not leave the page until it tells you your comment has been sent.
It’s always me isn’t it? 😉
Well put, Glenn. “A syllable used for emphasis.”
Coincidentally, When a cell phone I had in a belt holster fell off (the holster failed) as I was leaving my boat, hit the dock and naturally bounced into the water, I also said, “Oh shit” That was quickly followed by “God dammit!” for extra emphasis.
Now ‘Holy shit’ would be better James. You can picture it now.
James arrives at ‘The Pearly Gates’ and is asked by a turd, “Did you believe in me?’….
Even Monty Python couldn’t have come up with that one! 🙂
That’s funny, because it’s exactly what happened to my phone. I had just stepped on to the pier holding a line which pulled the phone out of it’s belt clip. Like an idiot I spend half an hour retrieving the thing, which of course was totally destroyed by salt water. Damn!
I admit I sometimes ask God to damn things in full knowledge of his absence, but in fairness I often appeal to more believable entities as well. I remember my plaintive “Oh Shit” when my cell phone fell overboard, for instance. There are other bodily functions to which I’ve made reference in angry moments as well as to other deities or children thereof, but I’m sure I don’t have to expatiate.
As far as I’m concerned he’s only a syllable used for emphasis at passionate moments, convenient for brevity and universally understood as part of western culture. The English language after all, emerged during Christian times and under Christian influence.
“Kriahna Dammit” or “holy Chuckwu” just doesn’t sound as good as “Oh God, don’t stop.”
I had one of those “oh shit” moments when MY cellphone fell overboard while I was trying to release a hammerhead shark I caught off the Keys. Actually my language was a little stronger than “oh shit.” 🙂
Oh I don’t know….”Holy Chuckwu” has a certain ring to it 😉
I think I’ll start using that…just to confuse the wifey…whoops…too much information 😉
Oh for God’s sake!….er….oops?
God I’m hungry! Oops…. 🙂
You could try the God of obesity that is Ronald McDonald? Now there’s a God for the masses to worship eh?…oh…er…yeah…they already do 😉
Oh God it’s raining again! There Norman. I said it and I’m an atheist 🙂
But clearly you’re a religious atheist then! 🙂
It’s raining? Sunny and hot as hell over here – always assuming there’s a hell of course…;-)