Confessions of a British Driving Instructor
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I have disclosed before that I am, for my sins, a driving instructor. My livelihood is teaching people to drive on the roads of Britain or, at least, the roads of the bit of Britain I live in. If they choose to go and drive elsewhere after I have taught them then that’s their problem 😉
Over the last few years I have taught many many British students along with an extraordinary assortment of immigrants from around the globe. Germany, The Netherlands, Bulgaria, America, Sierra Leone, Spain, South Africa, India, Pakistan, Bangla Desh, Australia, Zimbabwe, Romania, Poland, Ukraine, Russia, Belgium, Ireland. Actually, it would be quicker to name the countries from where I haven’t had the odd student.
A Columbian student actually offered me as much cocaine as I wanted. Seriously. I declined politely and refrained from asking any questions as I like all my appendages attached as they are thank you very much.
A Bulgarian student without fail turned left when I said ‘right’ and right when I said ‘left’ until I started saying ‘Lavo’ or ‘Jazno’ which is left and right in Bulgarian.
A student from Sierra Leone insisted she could only drive in bare feet which I didn’t have a particular problem with in principle (I did inform her the driving test examiners wouldn’t agree so she bought a thin pair of ballet shoes for her test) but, unfortunately, her feet smelled quite badly. As it was winter time she asked me to put my window up as she was cold. I refused as I required my head to be out of the window so I could actually breath!
An Italian student advised me that his father was a senior figure in Cosa Nostra so I gave him discounted lessons – it pays to ‘play safe’ I thought – and when he passed (first time much to my relief) his father gave me a phone number to call if I ever required anyone to be ‘removed’ as he put it. I am serious I hasten to add. Really!
A Jamaican student introduced me to “his bro’s” who all wore their ‘gang colours’ and greeted me by punching my knuckles with theirs rather than shaking hands, offered me a ‘blow’ on their ‘spliffs’ and seemed bemused that I couldn’t arrange fake driving licenses for all of them.
The driving school I franchise out of are forever amused that of all their 60 odd driving instructors it is invariably me who gets ‘the nutters’. “You must be a kindred spirit” say the girls who find my students. I am beginning to suspect they await a call from ‘a nutter’ and promptly give them to me – probably because I admit I am so ‘laid back’ I am, according to the wife, virtually ‘horizontal’ and never let the presence of ‘loonies’ in my car affect me.
I do, at times, also teach reasonably sensible people who do not offer me bucket loads of cocaine nor tell me that they will ‘remove’ anyone I take a dislike to.
One such was Chelsea-Jade. Lovely young lady with an extremely bubbly personality who has stayed in touch with me via Facebook.
Teaching Chelsea was, like most of my students, an absolute pleasure. Attentive and determined to succeed she gamely managed to avoid running over any Somalian immigrants – with some assistance from my dual controls – despite, like many people in my home town, disliking them for remaining resolutely ‘alien’ to Britain. I know that’s not a particularly ‘politically correct’ statement but, sadly, with some exceptions – and I know as I’ve taught some Somali’s – many do indeed remain resolutely determined to not even vaguely adapt to living in Britain, Chelsea learnt quickly.
She passed her driving test and has been zooming about our roads ever since – until, that is, she drove to Wales.
The following picture is Chelsea’s car on a small country road in Wales.
The good news is she was virtually unhurt.
I do worry you know. I really do. So many young people have gained their driving licences with my teaching and assistance but apart from Chelsea and a few others I have lost touch with them. Well, let’s face it, I am a 56 year old chap and most of them are young men and women who, even if they liked me whilst I taught them, have nothing really in common with me so why would they ‘stay in touch’? Perhaps I should adopt them eh?
Are they all safe and well? Have any had accidents? If so, are they ok?
Should I even care?
They paid me and I taught them and they passed their driving test so why should I give a damn?
Because I do.
Stay safe and drive safely former students of mine. If I ever learned that any one of you had died at the wheel of your car I wouldn’t sleep at night. Really I wouldn’t. You all give me great ‘feedback’ on the driving school website and I do appreciate that but what I would appreciate far more is knowing that you are alive and well and driving safely.
When I say my ‘occupation’ is ‘putting death on the roads’ I’m not being serious. It’s my sense of humour.
Please.
Never let my sense of humour become tragic.
Stay safe on those roads x
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among those i suffer worst…those behind the wheel of a moving vehicle on a public roadway doing virtually everything they can think of……except drive.
grrrrrrrrrrr…….
Texters infuriate me Pennyjane!
Norman, I really enjoy your stories of the students you teach how to drive. I have never been to England but learning to drive on the wrong side of the road (for Americans) would be quite interesting. But I can only imagine how much fun, or dangerous, it could be when there are people who never had to learn rules of the road of any kind. 🙂
I understand your attitude completely. As a martial arts instructor, I felt a similar responsibility. If someone had trained with me for a couple of years I felt they had a right to expect they could extricate themselves from a dicey situation or, even better, avoid it in the first place.
As a result, my training was hard and the basic techniques I taught were often brutal. Sometimes I was asked, why I didn’t lighten up and focus more on winning tournaments. I always felt that a mugger is not going to be as impressed with tournament trophies as much as broken knees.
I didn’t change and my students usually did quite well in tournaments. Not because they broke knees but because of the accuracy of their technique and better physical conditioning.
I am so very very glad that you like me 😉
Many other driving instructors tell me I’m wrong. “I couldn’t care less once they’ve passed” they say, “no more money from them and I did my job well so it isn’t my problem”
Perhaps I’ve got more morals than I realised – which is something of a shock to my system!
Generally my students are kids. How can you not worry about kids out on the road in a car on their own???