- CRITTER TALK
If the very thought of discussing or commenting on an article such as this is disgusting to you then do me a favour and just move on to the next eh? Simples.
We all have you know. We have. People we wish we had shagged. Men and women alike. Of course there is always the girl / chap we met in 1976 or 1982 or whenever that nearly happened, could have happened, almost happened but didn’t but nobody really cares about that I’m afraid.
There is no point what so ever in me telling you about a girl in Ulverston in The Lake District circa 1975 that I think I could have shagged but didn’t because so what?
I’m talking about ‘celebrities’.
It’s true you know. I bet anything you like that lots of you will deny it. You will be shocked and horrified and accuse me of ‘lowering the tone’ of MMA but I’m human and, humanity being what it is, sex is always somewhere high up on the agenda and yet we seem so reluctant to be honest about it don’t we?
Kylie Minogue, Patsy Kensit, Madonna (before she got old), Debbie Harry (before she got old) – and I know all ready! I’ve got old too but I don’t want to shag Debbie Harry anymore because she had the impertinence to get old as well! Disgraceful behaviour! Our ‘pin-ups’ and fantasies have no right what so ever to grow old with us!
Marilyn Monroe perhaps for those a wee bit older than me? The recently late Lauren Bacall perhaps?
How about the ladies then?
David Bowie in the 70’s? Bruce Springsteen? Paul Newman? Steve McQueen? Daniel ‘Harry Potter’ Radcliffe? Billie Joe Armstrong?
Who knows? Well, that’s the whole point of this article. Inquiring minds want to know. Possibly more accurately, I want to know, but why do I?
Well, I want to know because every human being on the planet has ‘sexual fantasies’. Frequently they are related to ‘the unobtainable’. Clearly, given the plethora of pornographic websites on the internet –
– which I have only been told about – ahem –
– the human race is obsessed with sex. As often as not, unobtainable sex. Unobtainable people. Celebrities. Jennifer Aniston – now don’t get me started on Jennifer Aniston or some organisation or other might ‘pull the plug’ on MMA if I go into any kind of graphic account of my fantasies of Jennifer Aniston.
My wife, bless her, has always had a fantasy about Meatloaf. Yep. Meatloaf. That somewhat rotund rock star of ‘Bat Out Of Hell’ fame. Perhaps that’s why I have, of late, let myself go a wee bit and piled on a few pounds and grown my hair. After all, she’s put up with a slimmish chap with a ‘number 1′ crop for many years, perhaps she’s due a rotund long haired hubby for a while eh?
As long as she doesn’t ask me to sing ‘Two Out Of Three Ain’t Bad’ in bed – now me attempting to sing would ruin ‘the moment to put it mildly
Why is it, I wonder – and I genuinely do wonder – that we, humanity, are so often so reluctant to admit that we are, by nature, sexual beings?
When you first met your husband / wife / boyfriend / girlfriend what first attracted you? Their looks right? To you they looked ‘fit’. They made you think ‘Bedtime!’ – now don’t deny it I know it’s true because, despite suggestions to the contrary, I am also a human being so I know.
Physical attraction is the beginning of any ‘relationship’ that doesn’t include pure friendship. Mind you, I’ve a few friends that wouldn’t have been if I’d had the chance pre-marriage
Tonight my wife and I watched a popular British TV show called ‘Pointless’. Pretty basic principle really. You have to find the most obscure answer and score the fewest points to win. A pointless answer – i.e. an answer not thought of by the 100 people questioned increases the jackpot as the game progresses. It’s good fun actually and we play along. Having a mind full of trivia I seem to find an inordinate number of pointless answers – but, I suspect that’s not entirely a surprise eh?
Tonight’s show was a ‘Celebrity Pointless’ and one of the guests or competitors if you will was Toyah Wilcox. Do you remember Toyah? The gorgeous lisping rock star of the 80’s. She’s more or less my age now – aka old – but, she is still absolutely stunningly gorgeous.
“She’s someone I would have loved to have shagged” I mumbled through my bottle of Bud inadvertently loud enough for the wifey to hear.
“I beg your pardon??!!” said the wifey.
“Meatloaf” I replied – winning any potential argument before it started
Come on chaps. Chrissie Hynde? Dolly Parton? Olivia Neutron Bomb? Sarah Michelle Gellar? Scarlett Johansson?
Come on ladies. John Travolta? Tom Cruise? Mick Jagger? Justin Beiber (NO! Really???), David Beckham?
Go on then MMA. Let’s be having you. Confession time! All in aid of a completely serious survey of course. Lift the mystery! Let the inquiring minds know the truth about you – if you dare