An MMA Survey : People You Want(ed) To Shag

About Norman Rampart
I am an Englishman, originally from a small village in Lancashire where everyone looks the same - even, slightly worryingly, the sheep. I have been residing reluctantly in the general area of London for 38 years. I came here for three weeks, ran out of money and couldn't afford the coach fare home. I believe that an Englishman's home is his castle. Even if it is only a small end of terrace pile of bricks.
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Now, before any of you ‘go off the deep end’ this contribution to MMA is meant to be, at least a bit, ‘tongue in cheek’ – albeit, that statement itself could, I suppose, be taken the wrong way but, frankly, if you take that statement the wrong way then you are fine reading this so don’t complain all right?

SurveyBanner zps09a54a40 An MMA Survey : People You Want(ed) To Shag

If the very thought of discussing or commenting on an article such as this is disgusting to you then do me a favour and just move on to the next eh? Simples.

We all have you know. We have. People we wish we had shagged. Men and women alike.  Of course there is always the girl / chap we met in 1976 or 1982 or whenever that nearly happened, could have happened, almost happened but didn’t but nobody really cares about that I’m afraid.

There is no point what so ever in me telling you about a girl in Ulverston in The Lake District circa 1975 that I think I could have shagged but didn’t because so what?

I’m talking about ‘celebrities’.

It’s true you know. I bet anything you like that lots of you will deny it. You will be shocked and horrified and accuse me of ‘lowering the tone’ of MMA but I’m human and, humanity being what it is, sex is always somewhere high up on the agenda and yet we seem so reluctant to be honest about it don’t we?

Kylie Minogue, Patsy Kensit, Madonna (before she got old), Debbie Harry (before she got old) – and I know all ready! I’ve got old too but I don’t want to shag Debbie Harry anymore because she had the impertinence to get old as well! Disgraceful behaviour! Our ‘pin-ups’ and fantasies have no right what so ever to grow old with us!

Marilyn Monroe perhaps for those a wee bit older than me? The recently late Lauren Bacall perhaps?

How about the ladies then?

David Bowie in the 70’s? Bruce Springsteen? Paul Newman? Steve McQueen? Daniel ‘Harry Potter’ Radcliffe? Billie Joe Armstrong?

Who knows? Well, that’s the whole point of this article. Inquiring minds want to know. Possibly more accurately, I want to know, but why do I?

Well, I want to know because every human being on the planet has ‘sexual fantasies’. Frequently they are related to ‘the unobtainable’. Clearly, given the plethora of pornographic websites on the internet –

– which I have only been told about – ahem –

– the human race is obsessed with sex. As often as not, unobtainable sex. Unobtainable people. Celebrities. Jennifer Aniston – now don’t get me started on Jennifer Aniston or some organisation or other might ‘pull the plug’ on MMA if I go into any kind of graphic account of my fantasies of Jennifer Aniston.

My wife, bless her, has always had a fantasy about Meatloaf. Yep. Meatloaf. That somewhat rotund rock star of ‘Bat Out Of Hell’ fame. Perhaps that’s why I have, of late, let myself go a wee bit and piled on a few pounds and grown my hair. After all, she’s put up with a slimmish chap with a ‘number 1′ crop for many years, perhaps she’s due a rotund long haired hubby for a while eh?

As long as she doesn’t ask me to sing ‘Two Out Of Three Ain’t Bad’ in bed – now me attempting to sing would ruin ‘the moment to put it mildly icon wink An MMA Survey : People You Want(ed) To Shag

Why is it, I wonder – and I genuinely do wonder – that we, humanity, are so often so reluctant to admit that we are, by nature, sexual beings?

When you first met your husband / wife / boyfriend / girlfriend what first attracted you? Their looks right? To you they looked ‘fit’. They made you think ‘Bedtime!’ – now don’t deny it I know it’s true because, despite suggestions to the contrary, I am also a human being so I know.

Physical attraction is the beginning of any ‘relationship’ that doesn’t include pure friendship. Mind you, I’ve a few friends that wouldn’t have been if I’d had the chance pre-marriage icon wink An MMA Survey : People You Want(ed) To Shag

Tonight my wife and I watched a popular British TV show called ‘Pointless’. Pretty basic principle really. You have to find the most obscure answer and score the fewest points to win. A pointless answer – i.e. an answer not thought of by the 100 people questioned increases the jackpot as the game progresses. It’s good fun actually and we play along. Having a mind full of trivia I seem to find an inordinate number of pointless answers – but, I suspect that’s not entirely a surprise eh?

Tonight’s show was a ‘Celebrity Pointless’ and one of the guests or competitors if you will was Toyah Wilcox. Do you remember Toyah? The gorgeous lisping rock star of the 80’s. She’s more or less my age now – aka old – but, she is still absolutely stunningly gorgeous.

“She’s someone I would have loved to have shagged” I mumbled through my bottle of Bud inadvertently loud enough for the wifey to hear.

“I beg your pardon??!!” said the wifey.

“Meatloaf” I replied – winning any potential argument before it started icon wink An MMA Survey : People You Want(ed) To Shag

Come on chaps. Chrissie Hynde? Dolly Parton? Olivia Neutron Bomb? Sarah Michelle Gellar? Scarlett Johansson?

Come on ladies. John Travolta? Tom Cruise? Mick Jagger? Justin Beiber (NO! Really???), David Beckham?

Go on then MMA. Let’s be having you. Confession time! All in aid of a completely serious survey of course. Lift the mystery! Let the inquiring minds know the truth about you – if you dare icon wink An MMA Survey : People You Want(ed) To Shag

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Posted by on August 26, 2014. Filed under COMMENTARY/OPINION. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry
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11 Responses to An MMA Survey : People You Want(ed) To Shag

  1. jess Reply

    August 26, 2014 at 12:10 pm

    Don’t think I am sharing any new thing here since everybody should know about my perverse attraction to Ian Somerhalder. Johnny Depp used to be one but he would only be mercy shagged at this point, because of that Amber Heard woman. I probably should say my husband because he is looking over my shoulder right now, so yeah honey, you’re right up there as far as people I want to shag. Tim Heughan from Outlander is a newly added one, Tom Hiddleston, Gisele Bundchen, Micheal Fassbender coz I just know he is a freak. I could go on and on, but it would make people go, oh she is just all Slutty McSlutterton like there is anything wrong with that.

    • Norman Rampart Reply

      August 26, 2014 at 5:31 pm

      If I was gay Tom Hiddleston would be right up there – if you see what I mean! ;-)

      Magnificent and very sexy as Loki according to the wifey. Odd. Bugger all like Meatloaf….

      • jess Reply

        August 26, 2014 at 5:59 pm

        You can be straight and say you want to shag him. Nothing wrong with that at all. My husband would give it up for Brad Pitt, he’s told me that already. I think he is the only guy hubby has on the “you can do this one if the opportunity arises, with no hassle from me list” that we both keep in our heads.

  2. Marsha Woerner Reply

    August 26, 2014 at 12:57 pm

    Okay, it’s going to sound like I’m going all prudish and everybody, but I really never considered “shagging” any movie star :-(. Yeah, when I was in high school (a long long time ago) I was attracted to various “teenage stars”, but even then, I didn’t consider more than just dating or kissing them. And John Travolta, Mic Jager, Justin Bieber, Tom Cruise!!? Ick! I guess my husband has nothing to worry about…

    • Norman Rampart Reply

      August 26, 2014 at 5:34 pm

      I was under the impression that ‘dating’ was merely a gentle euphemism…no?

      Come on Marsha! Would you have said ‘no’ pre marriage to Sean Connery? Humphrey Bogart? David Niven? Frank Sinatra?

      Tell the truth now ;-)

      • Marsha Woerner Reply

        August 29, 2014 at 7:57 pm

        Now I’m DEFINITELY seem all prudish :-). I don’t know whether the standard interpretation of “dating” is “getting down and dirty”, but that certainly is not what I ever meant by it. And seriously, “Humphrey Bogart”? How old do you think I am? Or “Frank Sinatra”? He was so entrenched in the mob! Yeah, he had a fabulous voice, but seriously…
        I will say that I have been attracted to Tom Hanks, but an affair? No, the whole pre-marriage thing is not the problem. It’s more the “stranger” thing…

        • Michael John Scott Reply

          August 29, 2014 at 8:42 pm

          My philosophy: a stranger is only a stranger until you get to know them :-)

  3. Bill Formby Reply

    August 26, 2014 at 1:23 pm

    At my age there are far too many too mention covering everyone from the fifties until now. Everyone from Jane Russell, to Bridgit Bardot. through Joey Heatherton, Angie Dickinson, and on and on. Presently there are a few, but a few too many to mention except maybe Angie Harmon. Odd that some women aged out of the desire range, but not all of them. Sophia Loren, for example I still consider to be, as Norman put it, “highly shaggable’. Forgive me for being a male.

    • Norman Rampart Reply

      August 26, 2014 at 5:35 pm

      You are forgiven old bean ;-) Sophia Loren was MAGNIFICENT!

  4. newage luddite Reply

    August 26, 2014 at 2:25 pm

    Due to the miracle of celluloid (NOT cellulite) and old movie networks, I shall forever be in thrall to Leslie Caron. Who cares if, in the analog world of muggles and the mundane, she is 83 years old?! In MY world she will be forever a 19 year old waif, so innocent, so tempting, so…so French!! Yumm!!

    • Norman Rampart Reply

      August 26, 2014 at 5:37 pm

      OH YES!!! Have you seen her in ‘Guns Of Darkness’ with David Niven? made in the early 60’s. She is gorgeous!!!

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