Press One To Talk To An Idiot-Press Two To Be Driven Mad
Read Time:5 Minute, 27 Second
“Hello, this is (enter the company / bank / insurers etc of your choice) your call is important to us. Please press one if you want to speak to someone who will be in the wrong department and not have a clue, press two if you want to hold for at least twenty minutes listening to pop music played over a crackly line, press three if you are losing the will to live, press four if you want to give us money that we think you owe even though you’ve never dealt with us previously, press five if you want to give us money that you definitely don’t owe because you are an idiot, press six if you want to hear the menu again, press seven if you want to hold for another twenty minutes listening to classical music over a crackly line before being cut off”
We’ve all been there haven’t we?
Occasionally someone actually answers. I quite enjoy it when they do.
Me : “I thought my call was important to you according to the recorded lady who I have told to die of a terrible disease at least fourteen times over the last twenty minutes of holding”
Them : “I’m sorry sir? How can I help you?”
Me : “You probably can’t as you have had your brain removed and can only repeat whatever it says on your computer screen which is entirely dependent on what I say to you. Once I have spoken and you type in what I have said it gives you options”
Them : “I’m sorry sir. Could you hold whilst I try to connect you to the correct department?”
Me : “No I won’t hold. My wife and I owe your business one trillion dollar/pounds and we’re going to default if you put me on hold”
Them : “I’m sorry sir, I don’t understand, this is a call centre in New Delhi for your local butcher”
Well, that’s about the gist of it isn’t it?
If you have the misfortune to have any ‘business’ with pretty much any company – and it’s difficult to avoid having some business somewhere with some company or other – then you can bet your bottom dollar that they will make it as difficult and complicated as possible to hold anything approaching a sane conversation with anyone.
Actually they’ll make it as difficult as possible to speak to anyone regardless of the sanity question.
Over the last couple of years I have enjoyed my revenge to the full.
Many moons ago I called MBNA, a credit card company with who we had a ‘maxed out’ credit card due entirely to whizzing around Europe during our daughters gymnastics career.
Having pressed ‘1’, ‘3’, ‘7’ and ‘2’ – or whatever – I was ‘on hold’ for an eternity (well, at least 20 minutes). Then, it began. My revenge.
Them : “Hello, MBNA, Can I help you?”
Me : “Yes. My wife has had a complete nervous breakdown therefore I need to reduce our payments to you until I can ascertain whether we can afford to keep them at their current level or not”
Them : “I’m sorry sir. The account is in your wife’s name so I can only speak to your wife”
Me : “Well you can’t because she’s temporarily out to lunch”
Them : “Could she call back when she returns from lunch?”
Me : “I mean she’s temporarily a sandwich short of a picnic love. She’s lost the plot. She’s tuppence short of a shilling – which is probably more than we’ll be giving you for a while”
Them : “I’m sorry sir. I cannot discuss this account with you without your wife’s consent and security clearance”
Me : “Fair enough. Could you make a note regarding this call though?”
Them : “Of course sir”
Me : “I am cancelling the direct debit and not giving you one penny cent until I feel like it. Thanks for your help. Bye”
I hung up.
Calls to my wife’s mobile were redirected to mine so every time they rang her they actually rang me and, of course, couldn’t speak to me. They wrote of course but I opened all the mail. I responded via e-mail and they said they couldn’t speak to me. Fine. No speaky no money I responded.
‘This will seriously affect your credit rating’ they threatened – which was fine as I pay cash so I don’t actually need a credit rating and anything I might have needed a credit rating for has been and gone – mortgage and so forth. These days it’s cash only.
One fine day the penny seemed to drop. Some chap claiming to be a ‘debt management manager’ called me.
Him : “Is your wife there Mr Rampart”
Me : “Yes”
Him : “Could she answer some security questions and give her approval for me to discuss this matter with you please?”
Me : “No”
Silence. A long silence that was followed by another long silence.
Him : “You see Mr Rampart, as there have been no payments for several months we may need to take the appropriate legal action to recover the moneys”
Me : “You’ve just broken the law”
Him : “I beg your pardon”
Me : “Granted. You’ve just spoken to me about the account without my wife’s permission so you’ve broken the law”
A fairly long silence was followed by a slightly longer silence.
Me : “See you in court then”
Him : “I beg your pardon?”
Me : “See you in court then sunshine. I’ll show the court our income and expenditure and they’ll agree we have no money and you’ll get a fiver a month if you’re lucky. Alternatively, you can waive all interest payments, reduce the debt by about £50 to cover my phone calls, waive the early settlement fee and I’ll pay it off today. The lot. Your call sunny Jim”
It actually worked (and the reason I can remember verbatim the call is because I recorded it and still have it)
MBNA licked my boots metaphorically speaking and I felt a quite unreasonable and disproportionate sense of self satisfaction that I’d actually made a huge credit card company ‘do it my way’.
I’m quite proud of that I am.
Never let the bastards win. Keep making the rules. Tell them that they aren’t actually ‘in charge’, you are. Wear them down in the way they try to wear you down. Laugh when they try and tell you how it is and tell them how it really is.
Basically, take the piss and make them feel small.
Worked for me anyway.
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I had a similar experience with Dish network after mother died. The account was in her name and they couldn’t talk to me about it, and sure as ….. sunshine…. couldn’t talk to her! so…. they are still waiting. Mom’s not too upset about her credit rating! They haven’t figured out how to deliver the subpoena yet.
Over here Norman they simply send you court papers unless you strike first.
I used to patronize MBNA, but that was years ago. The bastards kept adding interest charges without my knowledge, and they were always calling with some bullshit thing. I hate MBNA.
and then they tell you these most irrational things and end up all perplexed and frustrated when you can’t make any sense of it.
i got me an “old peoples” account, get the debit card for free, free checking….free banking. not only that, but this year i got my “fish for life” license. eat your hearts out, youngsters.
anyway, your negotiating skills are impeccable, mr rampart. should you end up killing someone on your day job and need a new line…take up negotiating, you’d make a good living.