Religions Of The World Part I – Christianity
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I have been considering religion, something a bit odd really as are, generally, the practitioners. Certainly there are many, many ‘good souls’ who believe in their faith and, unlike many of us, will be delighted to ascend to their version of heaven even if there isn’t a bar. That’s fine and dandy. What ever turns your faith on.
That being said, and having had a wee bit of time to consider religion in general, I have decided to express my opinion.
I also decided to start with Christianity just so nobody could accuse me of Islamophobia by starting with those loonies. Christians are quite equally loony if you ask me and, whilst you didn’t ask me, I’m going to shove in my two penneth worth anyway.
Let’s evaluate Christianity shall we? Well, perhaps not evaluate exactly as MMA couldn’t cope with a contribution as long as the Bible so let’s just pick a bit of it then?
Noah and The Flood perhaps? I chose this as SKY are currently advertising ‘Noah’ starring Russell Crowe so it sort of sprang to mind via Russell Crowe which is possibly a worry really.
God : “I am going to send a huge flood to drown all the evil in the world and you, Noah, must build an ark in order to save two of every creature”
Now before you start, I am using a bit of artistic licence here ok? The general gist is indeed as above so don’t be pedantic.
Noah : “Ok God. Cool! I’ll crack on then”
So Noah built the ark and collected two animals of every kind. Two Giraffes, two Cows, two Sheep, two Dogs, two Cats, two Aardvarks – well you just had to save something called an Aardvark didn’t you?
Now. This is, already, where the problem starts in terms of believing this stuff.
Only two Giraffes could be saved. Not just any two Giraffes of course, but only the two ‘good Giraffes’ which clearly means that all the other Giraffes that were about to drown were evil Giraffes.
Can you understand the concept of an evil Giraffe? Really? An evil Giraffe?? “I will get up early and eat all the leaves so there will be no more leaves for the other Giraffes” – (and yes I have nicked this bit from Eddie Izzard but is it any less bizarre because Eddie Izzard pointed it out?)
Continuing to plagiarize Mr Izzard unashamedly, what about the Ducks eh? Not to mention the Geese and Swans and other things that can swim about happily. What about the Hippopotomi? – or, if you prefer, Hippopotomusses? No, it must be Hippopotomi surely.
What about Haddock and Mackerel?
If our Christian brethren believe the Bible then, clearly, the world is now ruled by evil Ducks and Haddock at the very least.
It has to be said of course that Tony Blair’s resemblance to a Haddock is not entirely without foundation but, in general, I am not aware of very many ‘world leaders’ resembling fish or water fowl so, Blair aside, it is quite obvious that The Bible is talking absolute and utter drivel.
So there you have it. Forget the rest of it – The Bible that is – you need look no further than Noah’s Ark to see that Christianity is based on drivel thought up by someone who was, possibly, the Tolkien of his day. Mind you, lots of people wrote The Bible so perhaps they had a plethora of Tolkien’s around back then.
I have clearly had some spare thinking time lately – which can always be a worry – but, if any Christians commenting on this article would like to avoid the usual ‘you’re going to burn in hell’ stuff and actually try to educate me regarding this Noah’s Ark thingy then I’m more than prepared to listen and, I promise, I won’t giggle too loudly at you. Honest.
Right. Back to the temporary bondage. Don’t ask it’s a very long story.
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The Ark, so decreed that great naval architect in the sky, was to be built entirely of Gopher wood, and its dimensions were to be 300 cubits long by 50 cubits wide by 30 cubits height (Gen. 6:14-15.) Based on 18 inches per cubit, that translates into 450x75x45 feet. This presented our farmer-turned-ship-builder with a daunting problem because the Ark would have broken apart with the first wave. According to Robert A. Moore (Creation/Evolution XI, vol 4, no. 1, pages. 4-5) there is an upper limit, in the region of 300 feet, on the length of a wooden ship. Beyond this a wooden ship is subjected to great stress and the hull cannot be maintained watertight. This is the major reason why the naval industry turned from wood construction to iron and steel in the 1850s. In that regard, the largest wooden ship ever built, the six-masted schooner U.S.S. Wyoming, measured 329 feet in overall length. It required diagonal iron strapping for support and leaked so badly that it had to be pumped constantly. It was declared unseaworthy and too long for wood construction. Yet the ark was deemed to be over 100 feet longer. Another real-world problem for those believing this story is meteorology. Genesis 7:19-20 state that all earth was covered by 15 cubits (approximately 25 feet) of water. In order to cover Mt. Everest by 25 feet–over 29,000 feet above sea level–during a span of 40 days, it would have to rain an average of 6 inches per minute for the entire time. The record for rainfall for any one-minute at any one location is 1.5 inches. Also, if all that vapor was in the air before the rain started, the air pressure at sea level would be an astounding 13,000 psi instead of the normal 14.5 psi.
The Titanic was 883′ long. Somehow, I got the wrong specs, but what you’ve written here, makes sense. I didn’t know about the U.S.S. Wyoming. So, thanks for that information, but I was under the impression that most wooden sailing vessels didn’t exceed 100′ in length. Your standard 3 mast-er.
Still, using your specs, we have a boat that was 1/2 the length of Titanic, and made of wood – with (as I understand it) a flat bottom. We know that any boat sinks up to about 1/2 it’s hull depth. Flat bottoms only work on skiffs, small rafts and single passenger row boats.
But my main thing is this. When they build a ship, they do so in a dry-dock. Then, when the thing’s done, they launch it into the water. You can’t build a ship, on dry land, and then wait for the water level to rise sufficiently as to maintain buoyancy. The rain is falling on the ship at the same rate as it is falling everywhere else. I contend that the ark was doomed to founder, before it ever even got launched.
I’m probably not wording the concept correctly, other than to say: take a 2X4, and put it in your bathtub. Now, take your garden hose and fill the tub. No matter how much water you use, the 2X4 will never float. Conversely, if you fill the tub first, then drop the 2X4 in, it will float. However, the meniscus of the water will envelop about 1/2 of the 2X4.
In short – and I’m not a Naval engineer – I don’t think the ark would have been at all navigable. Under any circumstances and for a variety of reasons, all stated above by both you and me.
OK. I can’t resist. I have a wading pool for my dogs and I’m going to put a piece of 2×4 in it, and then fill it, and see if it floats. Stay tuned 🙂
Fascinating stuff here Tommy, and I learned a lot. In point of fact, however, I believe that Noah’s Ark is little more than another biblical tale created to better help people understand the world and the evil therein. Back in the day I doubt education was a priority and science was basically non-existent.
Science, you dare bring science into a discussion of biblical rightness or wrongness Michael John Scott. Blasphemy, Blasphemy I say. He created earth long before there was science. There was the friggin’ flood before there was science. If he had known there was going to be a science test he would have studied science first, then had the dummy built the Aardvark, uh, I mean ark. he, he. 🙂 🙂
LOL LOL! Dang aardvark anyway.
Oi! Leave the Aardvarks alone! I like Aardvarks. Right. Off into town for a few beers with an old pal. There’s a pub in London that sells Aardvark beer – I kid you not!
Norman. The Noah thing is my favorite of all the tripe in the Bible. It drives me Nuckin’ Futs, and I’ve oft written about it. Maybe here, I don’t remember.
Anyway:
How does Noah gender the insects?
How does Noah even find amebas, flagellates, ciliates and sporozoans? Did God allow him to invent the microscope?
How does a 900 year old man, and his 600 year old son, build a boat larger than Titanic, with nothing more than an adze, and do it in only 40 days, when General Dynamics Electric Boat would need at least a year.
How does a wooden boat, larger than Titanic and with a flat bottom, stay afloat?
Here’s the best part. The rain is coming down on the boat, and everything else, right? You can drop a piece of wood into water and it will float, but if you soak a piece of wood with water, it won’t. It’s a pressure thing. You know, that pesky science – physics.
What kept the 2 (non-evil) tigers from eating the 2 (non-evil) gazelles?
Where did Noah find 2 polar bears, Siberian tigers, Arctic foxes?
How did 900 year old Noah scoop all that animal poop out of the boat?
Noah lived in the Dessert. He was a Sand farmer. Where did he get the wood to build that damn thing?
Just 2 more, then I’ll leave you to afternoon Tea.
Water on earth is a closed loop system. There is no extra water. The water we drink today, is the same water the dinosaurs pissed in. The great flood would have had to come from the oceans (as does all rain) via the clouds. A 40 day, 40 night apocalyptic flood would have diminished ocean levels – not to mention, changing ocean pH – causing the fish and sea-mammals to die – but Noah didn’t save any pairs of them. So where did we get whales from? And sharks?
And of course the real question. Why does Yahweh – the omnipotent – who created the world from the void, in only 6 days, need such a cumbersome and ineffectual system to destroy it. Can’t he just say, “Let it be gone?” Sort of the Deistic version of “Oops.”
You’ve got to admit that biblical-style miracles have gone downhill in recent years. Look at the trend: 6,000 years ago, he created the universe. He flooded the entire planet, sent plagues to Egypt. By the time we get to 2,000 years ago, his proxy representative is changing water to wine, raising the dead, curing the sick, feeding the poor and walking on water.
Today, it seems that the best he can do is appear on toast and random road stains. Here’s a chart that shows how far he’s come down in the universe.
I forgot the insects! Blue bottles would have just flown around a bit till it dried up. A world ruled by evil Blue Bottles! Make a cracking ‘horror B movie’. I’ll get started on the script now!
Norman, very good effort at trying to explain the unexplainable. I did see something on TV the other night that may help you with the Jesus thing. It seems that Jesus is considered to be a vampire instead of a zombie. This may well explain why he did not come back to earth trying to eat everyone else and those who eat of his body and drink his blood, even symbolically become addicted to him. But, Noah’s flood, they will never sell me on that until they explain the how and why of the Kiwi bird which is found on only one place on earth and it is long friggin’ way from Iraq, which is roughly where Noah would have built his damn boat.
Well these days vampires are cooler than zombies. I remember our Religious Education teacher trying to tell us that Jesus was like the first rock star. When I asked him whether Jesus ever made number 1 he hit me on the head with a board duster 😉
ahhh….poor norman. you make the same silly mistake so many christians make….taking what is clearly myth and trying to find some kind of literal truth in it. it’s myth, norman…classic.
today’s lectionary in the presbyterian church (usa) used one of my favorite readings from scripture…matt:14, 13-21. if you’d like, one of these days, i’ll tell you a story about how that “miracle” was made real in today’s world. essentially…it was about Jesus telling his disciples to rise above what seems impossible, or at least highly improbable, and get out there and get it done. it’s a challenge to us…to reach higher, go further, do more, be better.
“don’t tell them to go away,” Jesus said, “you feed them.”
challenge accepted.
Ha! Next you’ll be telling me Unicorns don’t exist. You really need to see those Hobbits at the bottom of my garden as well! 😉
Thank you for avoiding the ‘burning in hell’ stuff.
Actually I have a good pal called Matt – I’ll ask him…
Oi! What do you mean ‘poor Norman’??? How did you see my bank account???? 😉
I read once that Tolkien’s inspiration to write Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit was due, in part, to experimenting with psychedelic substances. Apparently, he was worried about becoming dependent on them, but, while they ultimately turned out to be non-addictive, they did prove to be Hobbit-forming.
Class! 🙂
LOL! “Hobbit-forming! LOL but OUCH as well my friend 🙂
The best response I can give you Norman, is this bit of comedy from the BBC’s own “Mrs. Brown’s Boys”. To set the stage here a bit, Mrs. Brown is visited by a pair of Mormon evangelists, determined to bring her to their Bible. In this clip she disproves the Noah myth: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gHI0iKDbv4k
Oh, and regarding the hippopotami: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Dec9Jb_Ac4
I just watched about 20 of those “Mrs. Brown” clips! That show is hilarious! We don’t get it over here, but I’ll be a fan from now on.
🙂
Me n the wifey love Mrs Brown’s Boy. Superb!!!
Perhaps the best take on Noah was from Bill Cosby in his standup days. The routine appeared on his 1964 debut album Bill Cosby Is a Very Funny Fellow…Right!.
I do take issue with the oft-used characterization of Jesus as a “Jewish zombie”. Zombies are either mindless or dominated by a collective mind or controlled by an outside entity. The term for an undead or resurrected creature that retains its previous personality is lich. It is apparent from the New Testament accounts that the resurrected Jesus was a fully aware being with his memories and mental faculties intact, and (to paraphrase Monty Python) therefore, a lich.
Well that’s assuming we believe the New Testament. I don’t believe the Old Testament, so, Zombie, being both popular and accepted will have to stand. However, your “lich” descriptor is giving me some ideas. Thanks 🙂
Unfortunately, there isn’t much other than the New Testament to go on. So, whether or not you’re a believer, it’s the only source to go on. Other than that, I spent a couple of years working as a game designer for TSR (of Dungeons & Dragons fame), and dealt with various kinds of undead on an almost daily basis.
Big fan of all things undead here my friend, at least those who are “undead” with taste, if you know what I mean. Nothing worse than a sloppy zombie 🙂
Always look on the bright side of life de dum de dum de dum de dum 😉