The British Police Are The Best In The World

The title is actually the opening line from Tom Robinson’s hit from the early 80’s ‘Glad To Be Gay’. It is sung sarcastically – not really that surprising from those days – and, as my title, is meant sarcastically albeit I do have a lot of time for the police over here in general but wonder whether ‘political correctness’ has taken over to the point that the police are not always doing the job that we, the people, require of them.

After all, Britain is a democracy. A government ‘of the people for the people’ in theory although ‘in theory’ is about as far as it’s gone for at least the last five decades or so. Our police seem to have been somewhat ‘caught up’ in our current ‘politically correct’ society.

A pal of mine caught a burglar in his house quite recently. Fortunately he was bigger than the burglar. The burglar was actually armed with a knife so my pal could have been seriously injured or even killed and, given that his wife and teenage daughters were upstairs who knows what could have happened?

In the event, as he sat on the burglars chest, he called the police on his mobile. Over here it’s 999 as opposed to 911 in the States. He told me reasonably accurately what occurred from there. This conversation is not verbatim as it wasn’t recorded but it’s pretty much as near as damn it.

999 :”Emergency operator”

My pal : “I need the police. I have caught a burglar”

999 : “Can I take your address details sir?”

My pal gave the address details and then went on to explain that he was sitting on the burglar to restrain him and that his wife and two teenage daughters were locked in the main bedroom so, clearly, and urgent response from the police would be appreciated.

999 : “Are you in immediate danger sir?”

My pal : “I’m sitting on a burglar who had a knife. Now he doesn’t have a knife”

999 : “Are you in immediate danger sir?”

My pal : “Well, not exactly but I’ve caught a burglar”

999 : “If you are not in immediate danger sir it may take an hour for the police to respond”

My pal : “You want me to sit on him for an hour?”

999 : “If you believe you or your family are in immediate danger sir you should let the burglar go to ensure your home is safe for you and your family”

My pal then thought on his feet – or, possibly more accurately as he was kneeling on the burglars chest, his knees.

My pal : “I have a gun and I will shoot the burglar”

Now. My pal didn’t exactly have a gun. Like me, he collects arms and militaria. What he actually had – although he didn’t have it in his hands at the time – was a musket circa 1780 hanging above his fireplace. If anyone was dumb enough to try and fire the musket it would almost certainly explode in their faces.

Within 4 minutes armed police arrived. They arrested the burglar and told my pal he could face prosecution for misleading the police into thinking they had a serious gun issue to attend.

My pal pointed out that expecting him to sit on the burglar for an hour was unreasonable and expecting him to just let the burglar go was equally unreasonable. The officers were actually quite sympathetic and it appeared that ‘the system’ is at fault rather than the police themselves although, my pal noted, it was the ordinary officers who seemed sympathetic. The senior officer in charge was, for want of a better description, politically correct and only seemed capable of quoting ‘the rules and regulations’ or, if you prefer, ‘chanting the mantra’.

My pal told him to ‘fuck off’ and he looked quite shocked.

Many moons ago my then 8 or 9 year old daughter woke me up as she’d heard a noise in the garden. On inspection I saw a chap trying to ‘crow bar’ his way into my garden shed. Now, I am not a wealthy man so the only things in my garden shed are gardening tools, DIY tools, my bicycle (which I am not allowed to ride anymore but that’s another story) and various bits of wood, fish food, cat litter and other assorted bits and pieces that the wifey will not let me store in the house. Not exactly Fort Knox eh?

I went downstairs, grabbed a French Epee bayonet off the wall and opened the kitchen door. The burglar threw his crow bar at me and attempted an escape over my 6 feet garden gate. I could have just let him go I suppose but, me being me, I stabbed him in his bottom. He howled and went over the gate like a cat with it’s tail on fire. (Not that I would wish to see a cat with it’s tail on fire of course)

I called the police and explained that, if they were to attend the local hospital in a short while they would probably find him lying face down awaiting stitches in his bottom.

Their response?

They threatened me with arrest for assault with a deadly weapon.

To the best of my knowledge ‘my’ burglar faced no consequences and, albeit with a tender bottom for a while, continued being a burglar and pinching things from ordinary people.

I heard no more from the police regarding the bottom stabbing incident.

We are still told that the British Police are the best in the world and, considering police forces around the globe, I am still inclined to believe it. It would help this belief though if the politically correct brigade would just piss off and let our police do what they want to do without fear of recrimination because some copper gave some scum bag burglar a quick kick in the happy sacks.

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