Famous Last Words, Quotes And One Liners

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We would all like to be thought of as witty and charming and clever wouldn’t we? In fact, some may believe they are witty and charming and clever much as some believe they are great singers despite being tone deaf and some think they are great athletes despite being the shape and size of a barrage balloon.

Famous-Last-Words2

You only have to watch ‘talent shows’ on TV to see that the delusional are exactly that. Delusional. It’s hysterically funny to watch the delusional be delusional and believe they can sing. The look of disbelief on their faces when the judges inform them that they sound like a cat being strangled is excellent TV. Certainly it is cruel and, perhaps, they shouldn’t have been allowed to make such idiots of themselves in front of millions of TV viewers but, personally, I’m glad they did because it is funny and if, as a result of making themselves a laughing stock they turn out to be so mentally fragile they top themselves I couldn’t care less frankly. It isn’t my problem – actually, if they’ve topped themselves it isn’t theirs either now 😉

The thing is most of us would like to be more than we are or, if you prefer, better than we are and you know what? That’s a very good thing. We aren’t complacent and we know we have faults but we want to be better. We want to be witty and charming and clever and, sometimes, more by luck than judgement in the main, we actually are. Usually it’s on a particular night when everything we said was greeted with raucous laughter or awe. The one night when we really were what we thought we were or wanted to be.

Of course we will never achieve the level of being great raconteurs a la Peter Ustinov or David Niven. We will never achieve the ability to make others laugh to the extent of Robin Williams or Richard Pryor. We will never even achieve immortality by producing ‘famous last words’ or ‘quotes’ or ‘one liners’ if only because we are not famous actors or musicians or comedians but we, or at least those of us who want to be ‘better than we are’ will still strive for acknowledgement. Not ‘fame’. Well, some may strive for fame but I’m talking about ‘acceptance’ and a modicum of popularity within our ‘sphere’.

Ultimately we know that ‘the great certainty’ awaits us. Death. What comes after nobody knows. Possibly or probably nothing at all. An eternity of ‘nothing’. That won’t really bother us because we won’t know about it anyway. It only bothers us now because we are aware of it’s impending onset and we’d rather not thank you very much. Those of ‘faith’ are far less worried of course as they have ‘faith’. If they are wrong they’ll never know anyway so what does it matter?

In some small way we would all like to be remembered beyond the week or two after we’ve shuffled off by others than our immediate family and close friends. Even for some small thing that makes others who we knew vaguely or not at all smile at their memory of us.

Or is it just me?

Spike Milligan’s headstone was, after much wrangling with the local authority, inscribed “I told you I was ill” – although they only agreed if it was written in Gaelic for some bizarre reason.

W.C. Fields headstone in Forest Lawn apparently states “On the whole, I’d rather be in Philadelphia” – Marvellous!!

W.C Fields is remembered for so many excellent quotes most others are, frankly, blown out of the water :

“I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.” , “I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.”, “No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it’s only a question of degree.”

But enough W.C Fields or nobody else will get a look in.

Otherwise known as ‘The Master’ Noel Coward was once asked by a tabloid newspaper reporter to say something quotable for him to give to his newspaper. “Mr. Coward, can you say something for The Daily Star?” – “Twinkle?” answered Coward. Apparently when a Sun reporter asked for a quote he answered “Shine!”. So simple yet so memorable.

One of my personal favourites is from (the generally forgotten these days actress Mrs Patrick Campbell) who described the wonderful activity of having sex as “the hurly burly of the chaise lounge”

“I don’t drink these days. I am allergic to alcohol and narcotics. I break out in handcuffs” – Robert Downey Junior.

“Bisexuality doubles your chances of a date on Saturday night” – Woody Allen

“Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.” -A. Whitney Brown

“You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.” – Ellen DeGeners.

“Contrary to popular belief, “Damn It” is not God’s last name.” (Construction wall, Philadelphia, 1969) : I do like that one

“A lady came up to me one day and said ‘Sir! You are drunk’, to which I replied ‘I am drunk today madam, and tomorrow I shall be sober but you will still be ugly.” – Winston Churchill

Legendary British thespian Sir John Gielgud was once asked “What happened to Claude Rains?” Rains was a contemporary of Gielgud on the British stage in the 20’s and early 30’s. “He was a great influence on me. I don’t know what happened to him. I think he failed and went to America.”

Other glorious ‘Gielgoodies’ include – [to Richard Burton on seeing Burton’s first “Hamlet”] “I’ll come back and see it when you’re better.”

[on reading bad reviews] “It’s wonderful when it isn’t you.”

Wouldn’t you just love to come out with some quote or other that will live in the memory of thousands for years and years?

No?

Oh well. It’s just me then. Damn it.

Personal quotes unremembered by all but me?

At 20 years of age I accidentally locked myself out of my bedsit room on the first floor. The chap on the ground floor was an elderly ex RAF Spitfire pilot and profoundly deaf. I knocked on his window to gain access knowing that my keys were in my kitchen which was unlocked so, once the deaf old pilot let me in I was fine. He failed to answer but, as it was about 2 a.m. I assumed he was asleep and couldn’t hear me. One of his small ‘fanlight’ windows was ajar so I climbed in intending to wake him and explain my predicament. I climbed into his room and he wasn’t there. No problem. I’ll merely let myself out and problem solved.

Oops. His door was ‘deadlocked’ and I couldn’t get out. I climbed back out of the ‘fanlight’ window and my leg became entangled in the net curtains. I lost my balance and ended up swinging upside down against the outside of the window. A police car happened to drive by and the police officer saw me hanging upside down.

“And what precisely do you think you are doing?” asked the police officer quite reasonably

“Just hanging around?”

I was released from custody the following morning.

At 14 years of age after finally achieving my ambition to have ‘full sex’ with a girl and lose my virginity.

Me : “That was GREAT!!!”

Her : “It would have been better if you’d removed my pantihose”

Well, all right, I suppose that is her quote really.

I’m genuinely curious MMA. Have you ‘found’ your ‘quote’ yet? The one liner that you’re proud of? The one night when everything you said was witty, charming and glorious? – or were you just drunk and it is better forgotten if truth was told?

Come on. Be brave 😉

 

About Post Author

Neil Bamforth

I am English first, British second and never ever European. I have supported Oldham Athletic FC for 50 years which has made me immune from depression. My taste buds have died due to too many red hot curries so I drink Kronenburg beer and milk - sometimes in the same glass. I have a wife, daughter, 9 cats and I like toast.
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Timmy Mahoney
9 years ago

How about “fuck ’em?!” That’s one of my favorites.

Norman Rampart
Reply to  Timmy Mahoney
9 years ago

So simple and yet…..Class! 🙂

Bill Formby
9 years ago

I have an annoying habit, at least everyone tells me that it is annoying, when people starting telling about their problems or trying to explain to me why something is wrong of saying, “it is what it is and that is all it is probably ever going to be.” I personally do not see anything annoying about that. Hey Bill, I have cancer. “Sigh, it is what it is and that is all it is probably all it is ever going to be.”
Oh yes, one other one, “tough shit.” As in, Hey Bill, man I am broke. “Tough shit”.

Norman Rampart
Reply to  Bill Formby
9 years ago

So that million dollar loan is out of the question then? 😉

Tall Stacey
9 years ago

I once stopped to visit a friend who was quite busy repairing something in his garage with a welding torch. When he finally set down his torch and lifted the helmet we began to talk. At some point I absent mindedly picked up the part he had recently been welding. I burnt my hand and quickly dropped it. “Hot?” he smirked. “No, it just doesn’t take me long to look at one of those”.

I’ve often found myself giggling as I’ve repeated the phrase since, with certain overly stimulated bed mates.

Norman Rampart
Reply to  Tall Stacey
9 years ago

LOVE IT!!! 🙂

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