Dr. Strangelove: or how I learned to stop worrying and embrace republican sex goddesses

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Although I haven’t met the attractive and wholesome Republican U.S. Senate candidate from Iowa, Joni Ernst, yet, I can without hesitation confirm her as a true republican sex goddess. Her attributes rival those of our supreme divas. A list that included the charming and gentle Michele Bachmann and all American girl Sarah Palin. In fact Joni may prove to be the sexiest of them all.

Sarah the Palin and Joni Ernst. Twins separated at birth.
Sarah the Palin and Joni Ernst. Twins separated at birth.

Joni Ernst possesses qualities and a female dress code we republicans demand from our women. She wears a dress at all times. She has a phony smile that rivals even the sexy and mean Carly Fiorina’s.  As Joni flashed her smile and told Iowans her mother was old and that’s why she wanted to save Social Security by privatizing it so my good friends in the top one percent could make lots of money while subject mooching old people to the fluctuations of the stock market my heart melted. I knew this was a woman who cared about what was important. People like Bruce Rauner and Mitt Romney who borrow vast sums of money (we republicans call this leverage because “borrowing” is not an approved adjective unless attacking filthy liberal scum) to raid businesses and sell their assets and make huge profits while the mooches who work there get laid off and go on Obamacare for free so we can bankrupt it and tell America it was a failure.

The thing about sweet Joni that turned me and my friends at the club on most was her assertion that $7.50 an hour was an appropriate minimum wage for Iowans. Of course she doesn’t believe that as she is an obedient republican who spouts whatever shit the RNC tells her to say. We know by her classic, “I really don’t give a rat’s ass about you unless you’re rich smile” that she would eliminate minimum wage altogether because wages put an onerous burden on business and people that work there should be glad to just be indoors while at work and that really is plenty for them.

I wanted to include some excerpts from a campaign brochure from the Joni Ernst campaign but sadly I lent it to one of my older republican friends who came back later with a satisfied look on his face but no brochure. He offered no explanation why he couldn’t return it. I figure he was showing it to the people in his church because good churched like women in dresses that demand the poor take pay cuts and quit whining about lack of health insurance as The Bible tells us.

While talking to some democratic aquaintances about the allure of Joni several of them said we should get a picture of her eating a corn dog like the goddess Michelle Bachman was pictured. I asked my republican friends why democrats would find a woman’s lips wrapped around a corn dog or even something resembling one sexy and we were dumbfounded.   There is nothing more sexy than a sensibly dressed woman who hates gays and believe job creators should be the ones getting government largesse and not a bunch of moochers who God refused to bless with rich parents because He knew they would grow up to be disappointing to Him. And the sooner those who whine about their lot in life accept God’s will and vote for good republicans like Joni Ernst the sooner America will once again be blessed and the perverted liberals who find corn dogs sexy will disappear during the Rapture and we can repeal Obamacare.

About Post Author

Joe Hagstrom

Reformed Liberal now dedicated to saving world from Obamacare and Godless Atheists. Using MadMike's America to audition for high paying job with Fox News.
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9 years ago

Joni Earnest is a sex goddess? Who knew…

Anonymous
Reply to  Les Carpenter
9 years ago

You’re not a real republican that hates everything like me Les. Your brand of conservatism would never understand. A chick that beats up the poor is better than one with big boobs any day.

Reply to  Anonymous
9 years ago

Now, that’s just plain sad. 🙁

Joe Hagstrom
9 years ago

Laugh all you want Marsha. This bullshit wins us republicans elections.

Marsha Woerner
9 years ago

If I didn’t find the possibility of Republican majorities in both the Senate and the House totally, mind numbingly, hideous, then I would find Joni Ernst and her Republican colleagues positively rip-roaringly funny! I mean, I laugh terribly at creationist nonsense and the irrational Ebola fears; what’s not to be funny? Oh yeah, they actually have an effect on the running of our country! THAT’S downright terrifying!

Joe Hagstrom
9 years ago

The sexiness oozing from Joni Ernst makes a good Christian republican pause several times BitcoDave. Perhaps you and your liberal friends don’t get real sex appeal because you’ve been numbed by all the liberal pornography you people immerse yourselves in rather than going to church.

Reply to  Joe Hagstrom
9 years ago

I accept that. 🙂

Bill Formby
Reply to  Joe Hagstrom
9 years ago

Joe, I think in liberal terms we would refer to her as an attractive woman, or perhaps a handsome woman. However, she,like Sarah Palin and other Republican women, loses her her attractiveness when she starts speaking. I don’t think I will ever put “sexy” in the same sentence with a woman who acknowledges castrating anything in a campaign advertisement.

Joe Hagstrom
Reply to  Bill Formby
9 years ago

We repubs love our women as much for their minds as bodies Bill. A nice rack complimented by a mouth spouting the bullshit our leaders demand we spout about low taxes and less government is a real turn on man.

While you and MadMike want your partner to squeal out banalities about your private parts during the sex act we much prefer our women shout out things like “Obama is a socialist bigot!” Not that we don’t appreciate tawdrier stuff like when she cries out to be screwed like Obama is screwing America. Not that our women actually want a Black Guy screwing them mind you.

Reply to  Joe Hagstrom
9 years ago

Oh, but they do. Secretly of course. That Mandingo thing was enough for you guys to build not only a Party platform on, but a whole religion. Republicans have been living in fear of that BBC since the the 16th century.

Reply to  BitcoDavid
9 years ago

I mean, c’mon. You can’t tell me Ann Coulter doesn’t have a few of the ebony hued rubber husbands lying around in her kip somewhere.

(If my last comment didn’t get me banished from this site forever, this one certainly will.)

Sorry MadMike.

🙂

Joe Hagstrom
Reply to  BitcoDavid
9 years ago

Ok Bitco. I’ll give you this one. Ann could make a diamond dildo go limp.

Bill Formby
9 years ago

Joe, I understand that they are looking for a replacement for Stephen Colbert. You might fit right in.

Admin
9 years ago

Hey now! There are two commas in the very first sentence.

9 years ago

A very informative and enlightening post. And like all things Republican, a very economical one as well. No wasteful overuse of those silly little commas Democrats always seem to pepper their writing with. I myself, found their absence difficult, but then again, I’m one of those Democrat types, and we never could understand austerity.

Rachael
Reply to  BitcoDavid
9 years ago

Ha Ha David. Nice point. Ignore David Joe. He’s just being picky 🙂

Timmy Mahoney
9 years ago

LOL! Good one Joe.

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