I Am Entering Politics Because I’m A Natural
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As part of my election manifesto I have decided to be an honest, straightforward and upright politician. It would be much easier wouldn’t it especially if old frail people would just shuffle off. After all, they’ve lived for quite a while and they are now a burden on those of us that are still young or, at least, young enough to have fun. Why don’t you just die you old farts?
After all, you’ve had your life and your fun haven’t you? Take Britain’s old for example. There is predicted to be a £4.3 billion financial black hole in our care system for the elderly. £4.3 billion? Good grief! Come on you oldies! Just die off will you? We can’t afford that! £4.3 billion? Ridiculous! If you would just do us the favour and courtesy of bloody well dying like old people are supposed to we’d be fine!
We in Britain need to find about 7 billion to build a new rail road across the Pennines of Lancashire and Yorkshire. This will cut off around 27 minutes of the current journey time from Manchester to Leeds. We are already committed to building HS2 from London to Birmingham to shorten train travel times by 30 minutes or so at a very reasonable cost of £43 billion.
Come on you oldies! Die off will you? We need over £50 billion to save travelling time on our trains and you expect us to find over £4 billion to care for you in your dotage? That’s selfish that is.
What about our troops eh? What about the ones who had arms and legs blown off? How much do they think it’s going to cost us because they didn’t do the decent thing and just die completely? It costs this government over £500,000 per week to look after you and pay for artificial limbs and so forth. Disgraceful! If you had to step on a bloody land mine why didn’t you make good job of it? All it would have cost this government is a body bag and we can get them in bulk at a very reasonable rate.
Did you know that the cost of child abuse in the USA is $124 billion? Elect me there as well as England and I’ll make sure that wasted money goes on sensible things like keeping The White House Lawns tidy for a start. $124 billion in child abuse costs? Ridiculous. I hate to think what it is in Britain then. They’re only children for Gods sake! What have they given to the government then? Why should a government spend money on those little bastards? Well? It’s your taxes we’re spending!
Vote for me and see your tax money spent wisely!
How else can I investigate climate change if I don’t spend several weeks in the Caribbean? I know your taxes are paying for it but it’s for the good of the planet and, therefore, for your own good!
How else can your elected representative be held in high esteem in the world if you don’t pay for me to live in a luxury mansion with a butler and several maids wearing short skirts and well trained in complete body massage? It is in your interests to have a representative who can hold his dick – er – head high in these circumstances and make you all proud!
I will not waste your tax revenue dollar / pounds on stupid and completely pathetic causes. Whales? They’re big enough to save themselves. Tigers? If you’re stupid enough to wear orange and black stripes you deserve what you get. Elephants? If they went to the dentist and had those ridiculous teeth filed down nobody would shoot them. I will not waste my – I mean your – money on such stupid causes.
Immigrants? Shoot them. The cost of a bullet is far lower than the cost of an immigrant and their family. See? Financial sense always from me.
I’m entering my maid – I mean – I’m entering politics. Vote for me and you’ll never regret it! Unless you are old in which case you should be dead anyway.
THE NORMAN RAMPART MANIFESTO
1) I will be Prime Minister / President for life and £200 billion plus will be spent perfecting brain transfers (into young hunky men with excessively large penises) for when my old body dies because I’m worth it. (the cheque from L’Oreal had better be in the post)
2) Everyone who agrees with me will be very wealthy from the moment they sign a legal document stating that they agree with me. Any who don’t sign will be very poor or, if it doesn’t take money from my immortality budget for the hit, very dead.
3) Everyone who disagrees with me will be ignored / sent to Australia / very poor / very dead (see above)
4) Jennifer Aniston will be my ‘first lady’ and do anything to me I ask her to do. Kylie Minogue will assist if Jennifer has a headache. If Jennifer hasn’t got a headache Kylie will join in anyway.
5) Music will only be allowed if I like it but, as I have eclectic tastes, most music will be permitted except ‘house’ and ‘garage’ and other crap things like that. Any who like that sort of music – including most RAP except Eminem – will be put up against a wall and shot, or possibly strangled as it will save your hard earned tax money that would otherwise be spent on bullets.
6) England will be the only centre of everything on the planet unless some other country pays me more tax in which case it will be allowed to be the second centre of everything behind England
7) The head of planetary defence will be The Stealth Bomber who is a cat. He is, however, my cat. The Stealth Bomber kills anything that he decides to kill so, with ‘the red button’ at his disposal, will keep you all safe – unless he wants to kill you in which case you’re nuked. Please make sure your tax payments are up to date before The Stealth Bomber decides he doesn’t like you.
8) All other political organisations – eg Republicans, Democrats, Labour, Conservative and whatever ridiculous organisations exist in foreign places will be banned in perpetuity and all democratic elections will ensure I am elected as I am your saviour.
9) David Bowie will be granted a Sainthood as will Alice Cooper, Johnny Rotten, Debbie Harry, Cyndie Lauper, Oasis, Morrisey, Tenpole Tudor, Billie Joe Armstrong and the bloke who gave me a cigarette when I was 15 years old, skint and gasping for a smoke. All faiths will cease to be and worship the new saints. Alternatively, Catholics, Jews, Muslims, Christians. Moonies, Buddhists etc et al will be shot out into deep space to upset the Martians instead of us.
10)All press coverage of anything – including TV, newspapers, internet, radio, morse code, carrier pigeon, satellite, word of mouth will be banned on pain of death apart from Mad Mikes America which will diligently support my forthcoming attempt at entering the political fray.
You will all now send me your e-mail addresses so I can supply you with the bank account details into which you will pay all the money you have got to support and assist me in my forthcoming political victory.
See?
I’m a natural!
VOTE FOR ME!!!
Well? Am I really any more deranged than the rest of them? Really? You think I am? Sniff the coffee eh?
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Is that the UKIP
Manifesto then???
I would accept Australia in lieu of salary Mr. President.
You’d make a great republican Norman. Tell em shit they want to hear and it wont cost them a dime and they’ll get rich in the process. We do love our old rich people that donate to us though. They can stick around till they go senile and cost money.
I feel you may be suitable as my vice-President / Prime Minister. You won’t want paying will you? All the taxes raised must be used on sensible things such as my beer tab so a salary is out of the question. You would have my permission to own Australia if you like. Too far away for me to bother with…