Living in the South
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I am one of those folks that was born in the South, raised in the South, and still live in the South, and I am still amazed that it took four years for us to lose the civil war. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I do love my family, well at least part of them, those that I managed to raise anyway. Actually, all things considered, I turned out pretty good. But there are some things that you just have to experience appreciate about the South and it’s people.
For example, have you ever noticed that when something happens in the South, like a tornado, hurricane, which we experience quite frequently here, that the television news reporter seems to to seek out and find the dumbest, most illiterate people they can find to describe what happened. “Well, ya see, I were sittin inma truck over thar drinkin’ a beer an i herd a loud noise lika train comin cross the field. At first I didn’t think much ofit til the wind start to rock the truck. Then I seen dis big old cloud comin just kickin up dust and tearin up houses and I was perty sure it weren’t going to be good so I just duck down in my truck til it was all over.”. Then he gives a big toothless smile.
Occasionally, some of my fellow Southern friends remind me of my southern root by sending me an email about some of southern stories. SO I thought I would share a few with my friends here at MMA. First you need to understand a bit of the Southern lingo.
A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.
Onced and Twiced are words.
It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy!
Jawl-P? means, Did you all go to the bathroom?
Fixinto is one word. It means I’m going to do that.
There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there’s supper.
Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you.
The word jeet is actually a question meaning, ‘Did you eat?’
Ya’ll is singular. All ya’ll is plural.
Honey, Sugar, Miss(first name) or Mr.(first name)
You know what ahissyfit is..
You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
Now that you have a bit of a introduction to the Southern language now I can introduce you to a few of the Southern people. A good example was when a chicken farmer strode into into one the nice bars in Nashville and sat down to a woman who was obviously one of good Southern breeding and ordered a bottle of their finest champagne.
The Woman said, “How Odd, I also just order a glass of the champagne.”
The Farmer said, “It is a special day for me, I am celebrating.”
“That’s odd”, said the woman, “It is a special day me me also and I am celebrating I am celebrating “
“What a Coincidence” Said The Farmer.
As they toasted it other the farmer asked the woman, “what are you celebrating.”
“My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years, and today my gynecologist
told me that I was pregnant”.
“What a coincidence” Said the Farmer.
“I’m a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilized
eggs.”“This is awesome” said the woman. “What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?”
“I used a different rooster” the farmer said.
The woman smiled and said. “What a coincidence.”
See, we are up on modern times down here and we can be innovative. I must admit that it is taking root in out high schools also. Recently, there was a challenge issued to a group of our sixteen year old students. Now these were general knowledge questions so the students had know chance to prepare for the questions. Generally speaking I thing they did pretty good. See what you thing. Now remember, these are actual questions and actual answers. I selected some of the better ones.
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)
Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election
Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs
(Shoot yourself now, there is little hope)
Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death
Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow
(Simple, but brilliant)
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U
Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie
Q. What does ‘varicose’ mean?
A. Nearby
Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium
(That would work)
Q. Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean section’
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.
(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport.
(Irrefutable)
Q. What does the word ‘benign’ mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight
(brilliant)
Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head. Once a Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head.
See, so we have some really interesting things in the South, so Ya’ll come see us now. 🙂 🙂
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I had Texan in-laws, and husband, when I was young. Visited West Texas on a couple occasions, couldn’t leave fast enough both times. I laughed at those comments, and I believe them. I have had conversations no less absurd. The things that family got up to, the stories that were told about their quarrels and their community were like The Twilight Zone to me. I could write a book.The Cultural Norms in a West Texas Town. They were hard core, shit kicking, take no prisoners, beer guzzling 100% fine with finishing off the evening with a fight in the back yard.
Yep, that is much the same all the way across the South.
I hate stereotypes. Mine is a Panasonic.
Mine is Bubba-vision.
I lived in the South for many, many years and I found squalid conditions, rude people, laziness, indolence, poor roads, and a terrible education system. Now this was back in the late ’60’s early ’70’s. Has anything changed?
I can answer that very simply Rachel. Nope. Of course I found something similar to that in Illinois, Indiana, Ohio, and New Jersey also. But, it is a general condition in the South.
Poor roads? Come on, Florida has nearly perfect roads whereas in the upscale Chicago suburb I come from my Corvette simply cannot get past the gaping holes. Squalor? There are $50+ million dollar homes within walking distance, 200 foot yachts with helicopters on the stern. . .
Recently got back from the Big Apple. The ruins of Rome are in better condition.
As to the suthin language, I might could add to your list.
Agreed. Florida has good roads. Georgia not so much, although they are better than Ohio.
Glenn, I would bet than Chicago has more paved roads than the entire state of Alabama. What you folks passing through are the everyday roads we have to drive on everyday. Of course, I did not mention the roads but I will. When I do pass a road crew at work there is always about three or four guys actually working (usually (black guys) while at least five white guys are standing around supervising the shoveling of asphalt off a truck. Oh yes, and there are two black guys, each based about five miles apart stopping one lane of traffic, while a white guy in an air conditioned truck leads traffic from in point to the other on the little two lane roads.
Come on, no one can be as stupid as those people answering the questions appear to be. That would be beyond frustrating, if this is real, to have that many stupid people in one area and try to teach them.
Jess, I once had a young man tell me at a Lowe’s that Alabama have the smartest governor in the country. When I asked why he thought that he said, “Because he balances the state budget every year.” This was twenty something year old high school graduate. He got confused when I tried to explain that it was required by law that he had to do it and just said, “Well, he still does it and I can’t get mine to balance.” No, there are actually people down here that I can see answering those questions.