Things I have Done and Dreamed About Doing While in a Rage

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Some guy drove like a complete dick and terrified my driving student. He knew what he had done. He looked at us and laughed and gave us ‘the finger.’  I got out of the car and stomped over to him. He locked the doors, stuck two fingers up and laughed. I returned to my car, got a metal bar that is always in the boot, smashed his window, dragged him out of his car and jumped on his head until he wasn’t moving any more.

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My neighbours keep drilling and building extra bits on their house and they keep going until late at night. I kept asking them to stop politely. I pointed out that, not only is it the law in England but, clearly, it is very inconsiderate to make so much noise late at night. Eventually they got fed up with me banging on their door and one said “Here it is Indian law!”

I pushed my way into their house, took a drill and drilled through one of their hands. They stopped drilling late.

Three school kids deliberately stepped out in front of my car when a student was driving. They stood there and laughed and stuck two fingers up at us. Through my open window I say “Get out of the fucking way you morons” and they just laugh. One them kicks the front bumper (fender?) of my car and says “Fuck off!” Another then starts calling my student a ‘slag’ and shouts “Show us your tits!”

I grabbed my students leg and pressed it on the gas peddle and we ‘clipped’ two of them with the car as we drove away. I looked in my instructor rear view mirror and saw two spinning around before falling over. Nice.

New Years Eve 1983 and a fight breaks out in a club I’m in with my girlfriend and some pals. My girlfriend comes out of the toilet and some stranger thumps her and she goes down. I break two beer bottles, walk up to him and he grins at me. “That’s my girl” I say nodding towards the inert form on the dance floor. “So fucking what?” he asks.

I stick both broken beer bottles in his face and he collapses on the floor screaming. I pick up my girl and, along with my pals, leave hastily.

I later learn the stranger is left blind in one eye.

My daughter, aged about 7, wakes me up and says “Daddy, a man is breaking into your garden shed” I go and look out of her bedroom window and there is a man with a crow bar trying to get into my garden shed.

I go downstairs, get a French Epee bayonet, open the kitchen door quietly and say “OI! What the fuck are you doing?”. He throws the crow bar at me and runs for the gate. It is six feet tall so he has to climb it. I chase him and find myself underneath him as he climbs. I stab him in the bottom with my French Epee bayonet and he howls and scrambles over the gate.

I call the police and advise them he will be lying face down in the local hospital in about half an hour so they can arrest him there. They lecture me that I have broken the law to do what I did. I say “Bollocks”, hang up and never hear anything more.

A police car on an emergency call got stuck behind me and my student at a red traffic light. They sounded their siren and tooted their horn. “Stay put” I told my student, “it’s for them to get around us not for us to go through a red light and cause an accident” (there was absolutely no way of clearing ourselves from the police car without either going through the red light or climbing a very large kerb and certainly damaging the car)

The lights changed and we set off, the police car pulled us over and a police officer came over. “Why didn’t you move?” he asked angrily. “We couldn’t” I replied, “the lights were red and the kerb too high. I wasn’t about to break the law through a red light nor damage my car. You’ve a problem with that?”

“Yes” said the officer. “Tough shit” I replied. He glared at me before returning to the police car and they drove away. They knew I was right.

I met a girl in a club around ’81. We hit it off and went back to my place and had great sex. She stayed over so we repeated the previous nights activities in the morning. I went to work. When I got home she was still there so we went at it again. Then she left. The following day was a Saturday and she came back and we went at it again for the day.

Saturday evening there was a knock on my door. I answered and a complete stranger hit me. “That’s my sister!” he said as I went down with a bloody nose. I scrambled up and went for the kitchen drawer producing a large carving knife. “She’s 15!” he screamed.

I dropped the knife and he took her away – home I suppose. I was not arrested. The rage was his.

I represented a union member in an earlier guise of a union rep. The manager was a very large lady. The union member had made a small error and had 24 years of a clean record. He was married with two kids and a mortgage. The manager was looking to make a name for herself, already had a reputation for being ‘bad news’ and sacked him. He left the office in tears. I sat there numb for a few seconds.

“I know where you live you fat ugly bitch. You either reinstate him now or I’m going to send some pals round and, trust me, they’ll cut that fat off you if I ask them to. I couldn’t give a fuck. There’s only you and me in this office and it’s your word against mine. Reinstate him now or I’ll have my pals put you on a fucking ventilator for the rest of your sorry fat ass life. I’ll count to three, then I’m gone and you, you fucking fat old cow are finished”

He was reinstated. I took a ‘pay off’ shortly afterwards. it was better that way.

I was in a local pub. A ‘drag act’ was performing hits by Madonna. Very good he was too. Two drunk blokes started harassing the ‘drag act’ at the bar. Abuse such as “You fucking queer” and “You fucking ass licker” and so forth predominated. His partner attempted to intervene and ‘cool things down’. The two drunks then went for him. “You’re another fucking queer bastard!” and so forth.

The land lady asked them to leave so they threw their drinks at her – glasses and all. The ‘regulars’ seemed unsure how to react. I tapped one on the shoulder and he turned around. I said “Hello” and head butted him on the bridge of his nose. He fell over with blood spurting out of a cut on his nose. Quite how my head actually cut his nose is a mystery.

His friend helped him up and they left.

The ‘drag queen’ dedicated the next Madonna song to me.

A gay pal took me out for dinner. We had a great time and laughed until we couldn’t even swallow the food. He is the most hysterically funny man I have ever met. He should be on the stage. He’d blow away any ‘stand up’ I’ve ever seen.

I’d spotted three rough looking blokes watching us and, frankly, I was slightly worried.

The three rough looking blokes followed us down the street, quickened their pace and caught us up. I thought ‘oh shit, we’re in for real slap here’.

“You fucking pansies” said the ugliest of the rough blokes.

“Actually, my friend is straight and married” replied my friend calmly, “or is that an issue for you too? Clearly you are not married. After all, what self respecting lady would marry an ugly man like you?”

I thought ‘oh shit. This isn’t a real slap this is armageddon time. This is ‘hello love, sorry to call you so late but I’m in hospital beaten to a pulp’

“You fucking what?” asked the aforementioned ugliest of the rough blokes and they went for us. All three at the same time. I took a step back wondering which one to try and hit first. Before I’d decided there weren’t any to hit. They were on the ground holding their groins and / or heads and / or arms and / or legs or, mainly, holding as many bits of their anatomy as they could feasibly hold.

My gay pal, unknown to me, was an expert in Taekwondo. Expert being an understatement.

The rage was his.

I feel such rage on so many occasions perhaps I need to talk to someone and find out how to calm down a bit and not react. Well, that’s what my wife tells me anyway.

All of the above are true. Three, however, occurred whilst I was asleep and dreaming therefore, are not exactly true in the sense that they really happened beyond one of my dreams. Those three didn’t really happen in reality. I thought I’d better tell you that in case you thought I was really crazy.

Rage hard.

About Post Author

Neil Bamforth

I am English first, British second and never ever European. I have supported Oldham Athletic FC for 50 years which has made me immune from depression. My taste buds have died due to too many red hot curries so I drink Kronenburg beer and milk - sometimes in the same glass. I have a wife, daughter, 9 cats and I like toast.
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9 years ago

Help! I just ran out of beer!!! 😉

Timmy Mahoney
9 years ago

Norman you need help man. Now.

Reply to  Timmy Mahoney
9 years ago

I’ve been saying that for years Tim 🙂 🙂

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