Christmas Is Coming! Bah! Humbug!

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Doesn’t it just piss you off when you wander into a department store in early November and a bloody great Christmas tree walks into you? Well, I suppose, in reality, I walked into the Christmas tree but I mean to say! What the hell is a Christmas tree doing just inside the door of a department store on November the bloody 6th? Hello Debenhams! (which is the department store in question) it’s November 6th! It’s only one night past bonfire night. You know the one. Bonfire night. The time when we celebrate Guy Fawkes trying to burn down The Houses Of Parliament back in when ever it was. Quite why we celebrate it given that he failed to burn the mad bastards inside is beyond me. We really should try again you know. Burn the Tories and Labour and Liberals.

Norman "Scrooge" Rampart
Norman “Scrooge” Rampart

Reminds me of an old school song all of us plebs sang to show our displeasure at the creatures attempting to educate us.

“Build a bonfire, build a bonfire

put the teachers on the top

put the Headmaster in the middle

and we’ll burn the fucking lot”

Great days eh?

Right. Christmas. A time for good cheer and the giving and receiving of gifts. A time for getting extremely drunk and shagging the Christmas tree. Well, what ever turns you on. Christmas is a certain time of the year when things of that nature go on. Families get together and do their best not to kill each other with a spiky tree ornament pushed into the eye.

We eat food we normally wouldn’t such as duck or goose – well, perhaps you would normally eat duck or goose but, then again, you aren’t all there really are you? – Turkey’s wish they’d been born on another planet, we put up often tacky decorations, sometimes very nice decorations – it’s all a matter of taste really – and we wrap up presents in such a way as the impending recipients won’t have a clue that beneath the wrapping paper is a life size blow up doll that looks like Kylie Minogue with various working orifices.

Look. Whatever your Christmas is like it doesn’t start at the beginning of bloody November Debenhams and other such department stores. I do understand that you have to plan ahead. That is clearly good business practice but Christmas happens, as a matter of calender fact, on December the 24th, 25th and 26th. If you put up your Christmas deccies around the middle of November then fine, we’ll live with it. We understand that there is little point in you shoving a ridiculously large Christmas tree in your doorway on Christmas Eve. By then we have all done our Christmas shopping – well I haven’t as, traditionally I do it Christmas Eve because I always buy some jewelry for the wifey and I go to the same jewelry store every year on Christmas Eve and me and the owner get drunk in his shop with the doors locked. As I’ve never robbed him he is quite happy with this arrangement as am I.

Why do shops and stores start Christmas in early November? I even spotted some Christmas deccies in a shop before November even arrived!

Christmas is far to0 commercial. The very meaning of Christmas is being lost in a plethora of decorations appearing in department stores almost before summer has ended let alone Autumn.

It’s such a shame really. We always fuck it up don’t we? Humanity I mean.

We can’t just enjoy something for what it is we just can’t resist making it better and, without fail, making it worse.

We all know what Christmas means to Christians and I respect that. To the rest of us it means giving presents we hope the recipient will like and receiving presents we hate but pretend we like – except when I got that blow up Kylie Minogue doll but perhaps we shouldn’t go there 😉

I mean, not only have we in Britain got to put up with that ludicrous ‘halloween’ business somehow imported from America – I stuck a notice on my front door saying “IF YOU TRICK OR TREAT HERE I WILL KILL YOU” – worked for me – but now we get Christmas Carollers in bloody November!

Mind you they don’t generally ring my bell any more as a consequence of two Christmases ago.

DING DONG!

“Yes?”

“Good King Wen—–”

“QUIET! My wife is called Carol and she is going to sue you for abusing her name with this bloody awful noise now piss off!”

That worked for me as well.

Christmas, oh department stores, does not require breaching health and safety regulations with inordinately large Christmas trees in your shop doorways in early November or before. Mid-November is still too early but manageable if you must. The beginning of December is more than acceptable and far more desirable.

BAH BLOODY HUMBUG!!!

 

About Post Author

Neil Bamforth

I am English first, British second and never ever European. I have supported Oldham Athletic FC for 50 years which has made me immune from depression. My taste buds have died due to too many red hot curries so I drink Kronenburg beer and milk - sometimes in the same glass. I have a wife, daughter, 9 cats and I like toast.
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Ross Kardon
9 years ago

I call Holiday Season “Insanity Season”. The tremendous pressures really get on my nerves, that makes me very glad when January comes.

A filmmaker like Oliver Stone or Steven Spielberg, should make a serious movie about the horrible side of Holiday Season and release the movie as a cult classic every year on Boxing Day, the day after Christmas, December 26.

I would not give away the plot without having first copyrighted it, but I though of the perfect title “There’s no Reason to be Jolly”. Then when the credits roll have the song “It’s the most wonderful time of the year be played, for the purpose of accentuating the effect of just how terrible Holiday Season is for most people.

When I was boy, my mother would take me to see a department store Santa Claus. My parents scolded me for believing that Dr. Seuss characters were real and lived in California. But, then hypocritically they would strongly encourage me to believe in Santa Claus. Then I was very disappointed when I all I would from the mythical Santa Claus were only toys. I wanted something more than toys from Santa. And yet, that mythical sleigh riding son of a bitch is is imposed on children and glorified as a god who delivers toys at Christmas to reward good behavior.

Because of how disappointed I was that the mythical Santa Claus would only have supposed to have given me toys, is one of the many reason that I think parents should just tell the truth that mommy and daddy put the presents under the Christmas tree and that the Santa Claus myth should be completely abolished.

For example, it so wrong how the mythical Santa gives the best toys from FAO Schwartz to children whose parents are rich and only gives trinkets from Walmart to children whose parents cannot afford any better,

A child who is crippled, blind, learning disabled or suffering from any other disability will not have that mythical sleigh riding son of a bitch give them a real gift of healing them. A child who is diabetic will not have that sleigh riding son of a bitch heal them so that they will no longer have to suffer being excluded from Halloween fun and Christmas cookies. That is why during the days when the tabloid WEEKLY WORLD NEWS was in print before the advent of online newspapers, I was very offended when the WEEKLY WORLD NEWS had a picture of blind boy sitting on Santa’s lap, because the mythical sleigh riding son of a bitch did not use his supposed magical powers to give the boy sight!

Therefore, I think it is infinitely more humane to just tell children there is no Santa Claus, than give children an ton of disappointment when the myth comes crashing down. Especially since sooner or later, kids will realize they were lied to by their parents that there is no Santa Claus!

There is only one solution to the Santa Claus problem, educate children about the truth that there is no Santa Claus!

Reply to  Ross Kardon
9 years ago

What? No Santa Claus? I knew there was no god but no Santa? Whatever shall I do? 🙂

Bill Formby
Reply to  Ross Kardon
9 years ago

My folks told me the reason we did not get nice gifts from Santa was because he was afraid to come into our neighborhood so I had to live with what they could afford.

Stormin' Norm
Reply to  Ross Kardon
9 years ago

I am Santa Claus. My daughter still hasn’t realised it so don’t tell her ok? She’s only 25 so far too young to know the truth 😉

Joe Hagstrom
9 years ago

We all need to remember that we celebrate Christmas because Jesus was tortured and crucified.
And I don’t feel silly for celebrating a torture and crucifixion because I’m a good republican. Which is all the more reason to continue the use of torture so we republicans have more to celebrate.

Reply to  Joe Hagstrom
9 years ago

Ha! that works. LOL 🙂

jess
Reply to  Joe Hagstrom
9 years ago

Heathen. Jesus was born at Xmas and I get presents, he died on Easter and I get chocolate. All in all good deals for me, not so much for him you know with the torture and crucifixion thing.

Signed: JTFJ

Stormin' Norm
Reply to  Joe Hagstrom
9 years ago

At last! A REAL Christmas! – I am considering crucifying my neighbour this year…purely in the spirit of Christmas of course!

jess
9 years ago

If I was Empress of the Universe, Xmas decorations would go up Dec 23rd and be right back down Dec 26th if I couldn’t get them vanquished all together. This is my plan for the world. Vote Jess for Empress of the world because without “U” I am really Jesus.

Just look, Jess….Jes”u”s I need U to vote my plan.

Reply to  jess
9 years ago

I will speak with the Almighty Unicorn and see what I can do about getting you promoted for those three days 🙂

jess
Reply to  Professor Mike
9 years ago

I shall soon be able to do that myself. I am going in to see an artist about getting an invisible pink unicorn tattoo. Srsly, there is such a thing.

Reply to  jess
9 years ago

Really? Who knew? Love to see a pic of that when it’s done, depending on where it is of course. I’m not Greg Gonzalez after all 🙂

jess
Reply to  Professor Mike
9 years ago

I’ll have to keep looking. I did not like the guy that was going to do it. Just a tiny little symbol on the inside of my wrist, my watchstraps will cover it up. Leave mah boyfriend alone dammit. Where is he anyway, I miss him when he is gone for a while.

Reply to  jess
9 years ago

I don’t know. He hangs on FB but we rarely see him here.

Reply to  Professor Mike
9 years ago

I’ve been busy with some stuff. And I’ve been promoted? News to me!

Reply to  gregory b. gonzalez
9 years ago

And I would love to see a pic of the tattoo, too! Even if it’s somewhere you can’t immediately spot it! *wink!*

jess
Reply to  gregory b. gonzalez
9 years ago

I hope it doesn’t keep interfering with your online presence here mister 🙂 you are missed when you don’t post anything for a while. Far as the tattoo, like I told Mike it will be on the inside of my wrist so it can be seen or not, depending if I am wearing a watch or bracelets and the like.

Stormin' Norm
Reply to  jess
9 years ago

You got one vote from here….well, actually, several votes…just don’t mention that bribery thingy ok? 😉

E.A. Blair
9 years ago

Once while shopping at a local supermarket in mid-October, I came upon an area where Christmas decorations were being put up. I asked a manager-looking type why these things were going up so early, and was told that this was a “test installation”. I told him he’d not see me agin until after New Years’ Day, and made a point of abandoning a cart full of stuff.

When I was a kid, Thanksgiving was the start of the Christmas season. The city’s Thanksgiving parade finished with Santa Claus bringing up the rear, and that’s when the decorations went up. Now, “Holiday Creep” is shoving Christmas down our throats on the day after Hallowe’en (which itself is ridiculously starting the day after US Labor Day).

As far as I’m concerned, the only shops that should be allowed to promote Christmas merchandise before Thanksgiving are art & craft stores, since people need more time to work on their projects that involve sewing and cutting and gluing and painting. I’ve even made a proposal for an amendment to the US Constitution:

Amendment XXVIII.

Section 1.

The public promotion of any national holiday by any person, corporation or organization for commercial purposes more than thirty calendar days before the holiday is hereby prohibited.

Section 2.

Restrictions on the commercial promotion of state and local holidays shall be under the authority of the appropriate state or local government.

Section 3

The Congress and the several States shall have concurrent power to enforce this article by appropriate legislation.

Section 4.

This article shall be inoperative unless it shall have been ratified as an amendment to the Constitution by the legislatures of the several States, as provided in the Constitution, within seven years from the date of the submission hereof to the States by the Congress.

In my family, my father’s birthday was celebrated with a gathering of all the usual relatives on the Saturday closest to the actual date, 10 December. On the following Sunday, all the Christmas things were brought down from the attic and set up. My own birthday comes in the latter part of January, so the deadline for packing everything up was the weekend before my day. It always worked out well for me, because my birthday was close enough to Christmas that I could wheedle bigger gifts by saying “It’ll be for Christmas and birthday”, but far enough after it for people to feel guilty about not having anything for me and giving me another gift anyway.

Reply to  E.A. Blair
9 years ago

Ha! I love the way you think man. An amendment to the constitution. Works for me!

E.A. Blair
Reply to  Professor Mike
9 years ago

So maybe I should do a post on the topic.

jess
Reply to  E.A. Blair
9 years ago

In my best Jean Luc Piccard voice “Make it so” 🙂

Reply to  E.A. Blair
9 years ago

That would be nice. I need some posts for Sunday and Monday and that’s perfect ahead of the holiday.

Stormin' Norm
Reply to  E.A. Blair
9 years ago

Monsieur Blair? You are MY kind of humbug! 😉

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