Helping Ted Cruz Explain Republican Opposition to Net Neutrality
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My good friend Ted Cruz recently called net neutrality ‘ObamaCare for the internet.’ While his analogy is of course ridiculous it will resonate with loyal Americans everywhere because he used the word ‘ObamaCare.’
There are many reasons we good republicans want the tyranny of net neutrality abolished. First and foremost of these is we hate anything neutral. Neutral nations like Switzerland are socialist hotbeds that fester with communism and homosexuality. In these politically correct days of too many people thinking a person’s sexual habits are nobody’s business, what we forget is it is our responsibility as God’s children to judge everybody. For example, Commies and Homosexuals are to be judged according to Biblical tenets and condemned, and of course neutrality is a sin.
Being republicans, it’s part of our creed to support business. Mostly big business. By regulating what fine big job creating companies like the kind and benevolent Comcast can charge for their services we limit their profitability. And if they can’t charge more for higher speeds that companies like AT&T can pay while smaller businesses may struggle to pay, good large job creating companies like AT&T can squeeze the moocher companies that only want a government handout in the form of regulation guaranteeing them the best internet speed like socialist European countries do. The American way is to maneuver the government into making large companies enjoy monopolistic practices and squeeze all the profit they can out of everyone. If a smaller business struggles and goes under, well, that’s the law of supply and demand. This may look suspiciously like Darwin’s survival of the fittest but it really isn’t because that’s just a theory.
Lifting the pinko scourge of net neutrality would be of benefit to all because then there would be choices. And in the interest of bipartisanship I know the liberals are all about choices. Just as my good friends at AT&T offer cell phone plan choices, three of which they call “unlimited” even though they really aren’t unlimited, look at the choices! With net neutrality there would be only one choice for businesses, big or small, the best available. That’s no choice. That’s communism! That’s why Americans shop at Walmart or Dollar General.. It’s our choice to buy inferior stuff. And not everyone deserves the best anyway.
Senator Franken of Minnesota was on Candy Crowley’s show the other day. He said Ted Cruz didn’t understand net neutrality. Ah Senator, Mr. Cruz understands the issue far more deeply than you or any other closed minded liberal. He knows that if President Obama is for it then it must be bad. He knows it must be repealed and replaced so people can get the internet they need without big government interference. (Except of course tracking everyone’s movement across the internet looking for terrorists and sympathizers etc)
The final argument for ridding us of the scourge of net neutrality is, of course, one of freedom. In Europe they pay around half what Americans pay for internet service. All the more reason for us to abandon net neutrality so we can pay more to show the effete European dogs that we support freedom and not government handouts. That’s why my good friends at General Electric pay little to no federal taxes. Freedom. And the price of freedom isn’t free. The middle class and small business are the backbone of America. That they pay a little more for internet is a small price to pay for freedom.
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Don’t ask me…I’m neutral (I am not, I hasten to add, neutered)
I’ve got nothing left, they are taking all my joy for satire and the funny right out of me Joe. I cannot keep up with them anymore, so I think instead of trying to beat them, I am going to somehow join them in their quest to make over the US as a nation of morons and fools. I’ll start with the kids I am currently teaching, they’re throwaways anyway so who will care right? Except for that Switzerland thing, they have good things there. Cuckoo clocks and chocolate come right to mind but so does the fact they allow death with dignity. See the dilemma I am currently in, I am a little bit smart and I think, but they are sucking the smart out of me every damn day.
What makes you think this is satire Rayling? There is nothing in it that isn’t true.
My good friend from the other side has it wrong about neutering though. We good republicans support neutering of people on welfare and other government handout programs except handout programs provided to farmers which the fool democrats actually push through for the farmers who turn around and vote republican anyway because my good friend Congressman Sam Graves of Missouri is a genuine conservative farmer who’s gotten over a million dollars in subsidies over the years.
I know this is supposed to be satire, and it is, and good satire, but I believe the Republicans really believe those things. So if they really do, is this really satire?
Teddie Cruz exemplifies what is wrong with the Republicans. The only good thing about this last election was that Tea Bagger candidates were defeated everywhere. Now we just have to get rid of the old Bagger guard like this lunatic
Ha! Neutering is only for dogs and cats, not the children of god. How dare they neuter the internet, which was originally designed by god and Al Gore, of course.
Dear Mr. Joe,
Of course “neutering” is a sin! Especially when it is done against one’s will, and especially when people like Ted Cruz are for it! And since when does Ted Cruz and the Tea Pantyers get to tell us who gets gelded and who doesn’t. Who does Tailgunner Teddy think he is? Chuck Darwin?
Wait…
Did you say “net neutrality” is a sin?
Oooops. Nevermind.
Miss Letella