How I Wasn’t Shot in the Head and Am Still Fighting Islamic Fundamentalism

I’ve been thinking. This, as you all well know, can be a very dangerous place for me to be. Me thinking can conjure up all sorts of things that really shouldn’t ever be conjured up even in the depths of hell. Me thinking can be dangerous for everyone really just in case my thoughts actually take any kind of solid form. Can you just imagine it? Norman thinks something and it actually comes to pass? It would be like a combination of ‘Alien,’ ‘Deep Impact,’ ‘Armageddon,’ ‘The Day After,’ and, possibly, a combination of pretty much any disaster movie ever made.

I freely admit that when my brain gets into gear I am often uncertain whether it has actually got into gear or I’m drinking one Bud too many. Some years ago somebody tried to shoot me in the head but, fortunately their gun jammed. I’m serious – for once – that actually happened. I was a Union Rep at Heathrow Airport and our cargo shed fell victim to an armed robbery. The robbers were expecting to take £20 million from the vault but, unfortunately for them, the security firm, Brinks, had turned up a bit early so there was only about £2 and a half million left.

Rather oddly, most reports claim it was £1.75 million so I’m buggered if I know what happened to the other three quarters of a million. Mind you, the police Flying Squad officers involved afterwards – or at least some of them – were decidedly dodgy so you never know eh?

One of the robbers started to pistol whip my supervisor and, being the Union Rep, I said “OI! Pack that in you dick head! You don’t have to hurt him, it isn’t our money so just take it and piss off!” – or words to that effect. The robber slammed me into a filing cabinet, put his gun at my temple and pulled the trigger. I have no idea how guns work but the ‘end bit’ sort of shot out and smacked me in the temple but, clearly as I’m still here, no bullet came out. The robber said “Shit!” (that I remember well) and then, fortunately for me, another worker made a run for it and, whilst ‘clearing’ whatever had made his weapon jam he ran after the other employee and shot at him instead – he missed by the way.

In February 2004 yours truly should have died. Life eh? If you don’t believe me – well, you can only take my word for the gun jamming and stuff I suppose – then just click here  . I wouldn’t have minded so much if one of my best mates hadn’t been part of the gang. I actually came in early for a night shift to ‘represent’ him in a disciplinary hearing and, being a bloody good Union Rep, I got him off without any sanction. He said “Thanks mate, I owe you”. He then returned just after 11 pm and one of his gang tried to bloody well kill me! Cheers mate. Thanks for that.

I’ve seen him since actually. He’s driving a refuse truck now.

It changed me did all of that you know. Prior to the robbery I was merely a mouthy northerner. After that gun jamming incident I became an even mouthier northerner. Before, I used to stop and think ‘should I really say that?’ and worry that what ever it was I wanted to say might upset someone. Since then I couldn’t care less. I say what I think, I think what I say and, ultimately, although I sincerely hope I don’t offend or upset anyone I don’t really care that much any more. Life’s too short to care about what anyone thinks about me.

Let’s face it, if that gun hadn’t jammed in 2004 then I wouldn’t be saying anything would I?

The company offered us all ‘counseling’ and, as the Union Rep, I told everyone to take up the option. Of course it was all bollocks but at least, if we took the counselling, the company had to be ‘sympathetic’ to anyone who had any ‘difficulties’ later on.

“Please” said the counselor looking all sympathetic with her hands in her lap, “tell me what you are feeling now”.

“Don’t worry about me” I replied, “I’m a northerner I am. Screw ’em”

Daft cow believed me too 😉

So. Whilst I may upset and offend from time to time I can genuinely say that, firstly, I don’t mean to and, secondly, tough. There’s no malice in it but you live, you die, the bit in between is called life so enjoy and never apologise. Be you because you are you and I am me and, someday, we’ll be gone so just be you and screw the rest eh?

Oh! Yeah! The title! I nearly forgot!

Fighting Islamic fundamentalism?

Super glue. That’s how! 😉

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