Happy Christmas!

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“Happy holidays” said a complete moron to me the other day. “Sorry? Say again?” I asked slightly bemused. “Happy holidays” they repeated. “I have no idea what you are on about” I said still completely bewildered. “Happy holidays is what we say now” they explained in all seriousness. “Why would anyone say that?” I asked. “Well”, they continued, “it ensures we don’t offend anybody”. “Oh, I see” I replied, “is that so?” – they failed abysmally to see the glint in my eye. “Happy fucking Christmas then!” I said with some force. They were aghast. They were startled. They were shocked. They were, clearly, a moron.

‘Happy Christmas’ to you all and especially to any of you who are offended by me saying that. In fact, if you are offended by my saying that I will say it again and cheerfully offend you for being the idiot you are. ‘HAPPY CHRISTMAS!!!’

I have this almost overwhelming urge to walk into the local mosque and shout ‘HAPPY CHRISTMAS!’ – I won’t as I haven’t drunk enough Bud yet but give me a while eh?

It’s bloody insane isn’t it? Christmas is, of course, a particularly Christian sort of thing really – albeit if you trace it back far enough it’s actually pre-Christianity and quite a heathen sort of affair but, as was often the case way back when, Christianity sort of hijacked it and called it Christmas with much emphasis on the ‘Christ’ bit (which is a bit unfair on the ‘mas’ bit if you ask me)

Some companies and educational establishments in Britain have actually sent out literature to their employees suggesting that they refrain from saying ‘Merry’ or ‘Happy’ Christmas to their co-workers in case their co-workers are offended as they may be of a different ethnicity, religion and or culture.

Being self employed I have, of course, not received any such literature. Part of me wishes I was still employed by a company who did this if only so I could tear up said literature, throw it in the face of the CEO and shout ‘Happy Christmas’ at the dick head. My unemployed status immediately following such action not with standing.

It WOULD be worth it.

I feel it safe to say that I have long ago established that I am not of any religious persuasion – although I freely admit to once doing a deal with God under the influence of Budweiser regarding me becoming immortal and I’m almost sure HE said ‘yes’ although, I admit, HE may have just been humouring me.

I know that Christmas is, for those of a Christian bent, very much a religious time of the year but, for those others of us who have no time for religion it is still a very important time of the year – primarily because we can get exceedingly drunk, meet family members we hate for Christmas dinner, give and receive presents that they and we have never in our wildest dreams ever wanted and, in my case at least, attempt to drink alcohol from Christmas Eve until New Years Day whilst retaining the power of speech.

It’s of no matter what your considerations of Christmas are it is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, Christmas and everyone living in the west and other countries across the globe that celebrate Christmas had better get used to it.

Despite or, possibly, in spite of the ‘politically correct’ amongst us bending over backwards to avoid offending those of other beliefs or cultures personally I couldn’t give a toss if they are offended. They either live with it or bugger off to some other country that doesn’t have it – Christmas that is.

It is not for ‘us’ to ‘adapt’ to ‘them’ it is for ‘them’ to ‘adapt’ to ‘us’ – end of. Adapt or leave or, if you can’t adapt and feel offended at the saying ‘Happy Christmas’ then do yourself a favour eh? Don’t let on it offend you. If you do I’ll buy a bloody megaphone, record myself saying ‘Happy Christmas’ and drive around your home at 3 in the morning megaphone blaring.

Now that’s what I call the Christmas spirit! Peace and love to all mankind (and womankind of course). Well, provided you say ‘Happy Christmas’ and not ‘Happy holidays’ anyway.

‘HAPPY CHRISTMAS!!!!’

– as long as one of my prezzies is the entire series of Hill Street Blues in which case it really will be a HAPPY Christmas!

About Post Author

Neil Bamforth

I am English first, British second and never ever European. I have supported Oldham Athletic FC for 50 years which has made me immune from depression. My taste buds have died due to too many red hot curries so I drink Kronenburg beer and milk - sometimes in the same glass. I have a wife, daughter, 9 cats and I like toast.

fourdinners14223647@aol.com