Republicans: Men Must Seek Women’s Permission Before Masturbating

The liberal media has accused us republicans of waging a war on women for generations. This of course is not true because our goal has always been to protect women from abuse and exploitation. Nowhere is a women safer than in her kitchen cooking meals for her family because these are core republican ideals: family and women in the kitchen.

I came to the defense of my good friend and fellow republican, Congressman Yoder, in my last post. The man is simply trying to protect women from illegitimate rape while protecting them from legitimate rape as well. For his troubles he has been pilloried for simply asking that a woman get permission before abusing herself further with an abortion. Liberals forget that men are victims also and to get written permission from a man before a major surgery is both the intent of The Founding Fathers and God. And it keeps big government out of it because it’s not big government granting permission but a man. I see no hypocrisy by government saying a man has to give permission as it’s merely protecting the rights and freedom of a man.

In the interests of being fair and balanced though, it is also important that men are required to seek the woman’s permission before committing certain acts. The first and foremost act men need written permission to indulge in is the sin of self-abuse. Or, and I am loathe to use this sinful word, but it is necessary as most of the heathens that read MMA don’t understand the term “self-abuse’ masturbation.

The Good Book rails against self-abuse. It is a sin against God and women and one’s self. It is a waste of seed as humanity was instructed approximately 6,500 years ago to go forth and multiply by God.  Former senatorial candidate from Delaware, Christine O’Donnell, also has a lot to say about it.

Now far be it from we republicans to expand government interference into personal lives. That’s why we feel it’s important to leave this decision to the individual who needs the seed to multiply. Thus, before engaging in the practice of self abuse all men should be required to get written permission from a woman. Should the woman not grant permission and also not “submit” as my good friend Michele Bachmann endorses, that is an acceptable defense in court of law. This would also submit said woman to prosecution but that is the price she must pay for freedom.

This law would no doubt benefit our young as teenage boys would be required to seek their mother’s permission before self abusing. Putting an end to all this self-abuse among teenagers would lead to more study time and better test scores among them. This would help America compete. Self-abuse only serves to weaken America and embolden our enemies. So of course President Obama will be all for self-abuse, after all his entire administration must have been engaging in it the last six years.

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