TV in the UK: Unreal Reality Shows and Untalented Talent Shows

There is a plethora of so called ‘reality’ and ‘talent’ shows on British telly. ‘I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here’, ‘Big Brother’, ‘Celebrity Big Brother’, ‘The Great British Bake Off’, ‘The Voice’, ‘Britain’s Got Talent’ and, of course, the dreaded ‘X-Factor’. Personally I tend to refer to it as the ‘Y-Factor’ as in ‘why is this garbage on my telly?’ At that point the wife, who is inexplicably fond of such shows, hits me on the head with one of the cats and tells me to shut up so she can listen to some talentless delusional idiot destroy a classic song by The Rolling Stones or Francis Albert or Meatloaf or, well, just add in the name of any band or singer really who produced anything of merit.

Of all the reality / talent shows the ‘X-Factor’ is probably the only one I have any real interest in watching albeit it is mainly garbage. With all the other aforementioned shows boredom takes over very quickly and, as the wife refuses to let me switch over to watch ‘Alien’ or ‘V For Vendetta’ or ‘The Pink Panther’ or some other classic movie on the spurious grounds that I’ve watched them all several times – (So? They are great movies and you can always watch a great movie several times and more can’t you?) – I usually retire to the small bedroom and type out a contribution to MMA.

So now you know. If there is anyone to blame for my presence on MMA it is the wife. Women eh? Can’t live with them, can’t live without them. Well? Who else have us chaps got to wash our socks then?

So, having been bludgeoned by a cat, I snuggle down in my armchair to watch X-Factor and listen to tone deaf 19 year olds claim that ‘This is all I’ve ever wanted to do all my life!” and “This is my last chance!”

Excuse me. You are 19 years old. It is highly unlikely that you wanted to appear before thousands of TV viewers singing a Bob Dylan classic in the guise of a cat being strangled much before you were a teenager. Prior to that you were too busy playing with your Barbie dolls or football with your mates depending on whether you are male or female – there you go again Norman, gender stereotyping – disgraceful behaviour!

Oh, and by the way 19 year old X-Factor contestant. If, at the tender age of 19 this is indeed your last chance then, frankly, you clearly have failed to get a life and equally clearly will continue to fail in that trial. Well, you will if you keep popping up on my telly making such an awful noise anyway.

Of course, it is true to say that there will undoubtedly be thousands of talented singers and songwriters out there who never made it. Not because they weren’t good enough but simply because life can be a bitch and, for them, it was. They just weren’t in ‘the right place at the right time’ or, alternatively, they got stitched up and never recovered. Take Pete Best for example. Who he? He was the original drummer for The Beatles of course. Sometimes life decides to knock you down and not let you get back up again eh?

I suppose the best that can be said of the X-Factor is that sometimes, just sometimes, someone bubbles up and actually makes a successful career out of it all. One Direction seem to be doing quite well. Leona Lewis did fine. Olly Murs has done ok. I suppose it’s the same over in the USA? Some actually do quite well out of it so it can’t be all bad, and, indeed, it isn’t.

Without a shadow of a doubt the best bits are the auditions when all those delusional people arrive to assault the ear drums of the judges and TV viewers. It really is hysterical isn’t it.

“Have you sung in front of people before?” asks a grimacing Simon Cowell. “Yes, many times” reply the innocent fools who’ve just made Marvin Gaye turn in his grave. “I’m amazed nobody has shot you yet” says Cowell with an evil grin. It’s great TV really. Crap, but so crap it’s sort of great.

“I’ll try again next year” says one lunatic who has just left me phoning the doctor to have my ears reverse syringed to ensure I never have to listen to anything so awful again.

“Please please don’t” says Cowell deadpan. Marvellous stuff!

At the moment in Britain X-Factor is losing out on viewing figures to Strictly Come Dancing. This is a show were generally z-list celebrities learn various dance routines with their ‘professional’ partner. It’s quite good fun to be honest. Tennis star Andy Murray’s mum was a contestant and she invariably danced like a corpse or, on a better day, a tailors dummy. The judges were bewildered why the public keep voting for her and keeping her in whilst clearly more talented dancers fell by the wayside. It’s simple. We, the public, couldn’t give a toss whether she dances like a woman with two broom handles for legs, we love the looks of horror on the judges faces as she survives to dance another week – well, in Judy’s case I use the word ‘dance’ with considerable reservation.

Now there I was, all set to slag off and bemoan the existence of these shows. I was all set to say ‘how dare the TV channels waste our viewing time with this drivel!’ and, now, here I am, admitting I actually quite enjoy X-Factor and Strictly Come Dancing. Not, I admit, for the reasons I suppose you are meant to enjoy them but who cares?

As for The Great British Bake Off. Call that a sponge cake? It looks like a rubber tyre! bet it tastes like one too! I could do better than that!

Just one thing. Don’t let the wife see this contribution eh? Every now and then she concedes and lets me watch ‘Alien’ again. If she ever read this Sigourney Weaver in her knickers at the end would never darken my TV screen again so shhhhhhh!

I leave you with the human blood hound – well, his eyes remind me of a bloodhound – my favourite on this years X-Factor. Two of the judges hated him, one judge was in a state of disbelief that he was still there and his own mentor Simon Cowell was wondering what he’d done to deserve it.

I really really adore this guy. What you see is what you get. No ‘airs’ no ‘graces’ no ‘bullshit’. Easily the nicest guy to ever stumble onto any reality / talent show. GO STEVI!!! Stevi Ritchie. The singing bloodhound. Marvellous!!! He won’t win it of course. He knows that as do we all. He isn’t the greatest singer for sure but the British public love him for just being him. He says it himself. He’s having the time of his life and doesn’t want it to end. You know what Stevi mate, neither did we! He can’t actually win it – surely? Well, no, he can’t as he got voted off finally.

Anyway, he’s still got my vote. (Don’t tell the wife!!)

Happy

0 0 %

Sad

0 0 %

Excited

0 0 %

Sleepy

0 0 %

Angry

0 0 %

Surprise

0 0 %