Why Fox News Fans Are Going On A Rampage

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Thousands of Fox News watchers are outraged, but this time, it’s not President Obama, the Democrat [sic] Party, gays, atheists, socialists, Marxists, immigrants or Muslins that have attracted their ire.

It’s a US corporation.

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The corporation, Dish Network, a provider of satellite television services, dropped the Fox News and Fox Business channels on 20 December 2014 due to a dispute over the fees Dish charges to carry them. After nearly three weeks without a 24-hour propaganda stream, Fox News addicts are showing signs of severe withdrawal.

Roving gangs of aging white men have been swarming the streets, accosting young blonde women and demanding to be told the latest on Keystone, the IRS oppression of conservative PACs, government tyranny and the President’s support of ISIS terrorists. Cosmetic manufacturers Clairol, L’Oreal Paris and Paul Mitchell report that for the first time in history, their blonde hair coloring is being outsold by darker shades. Chicago resident Marta Williams said that she’s taken to wearing a “mousy brown wig with streaks of grey” while in public. “I tried coloring my hair, but when I did, my three-year-old looked at me and said, ‘Where’s my mommy?’” she reported. “So I changed it back and got the wig.” Willa Stephens of Spokane, Washington, said men started accosting her in public before she changed her hair color. “They’d call me Anna or Greta or Laura or Gretchen, profess their undying love and devotion and beg me to tell them the truth about Benghazi.” Ms. Stephens is now a redhead.

Other groups have started taking over public venues where the channel can be watched.  Bob Crews, Owner of Crews’ on First, a Midtown New York City bar, reports that his clientele shifted dramatically in the week between Christmas and New Year’s. “I used to have a pretty diverse crowd here,” he said. Mostly upscale, mid-20’s to 40’s, all ethnicities, straight and gay, a sociable, mix-it-up crowd, but that all changed. Now it’s all aging white geezers who sip beers and gaze at the TV screens. I used to have mostly sports and action flicks, but now all they want to see is Fox News. My place used to be lively, but now it’s quiet except when something bad is said about the President or Democrats, and that’s when the cheering starts. I’m seriously thinking of switching to Dish”.

Crews’ on First regular Andrea Parker, however, saw opportunity in the situation. Unlike Marta Williams, she dyed her normally red hair platinum blonde and holds court at the bar. “When I saw what was happening, I colored my hair, got a ‘Fox News’ lapel pin, and made a nametag that says ‘Tiffany Pepperdyne’” she said.. “When I walk in to Crews’ dozens of old farts crowd around my table. That’s when I pul out some papers, act like I’m reading the news and charge them five dollars each for a half hour of pulling all kinds of shit out of thin air. I earn more in one evening than my regular job pays in a week.”

Ms. Parker has a collaborator, her cousin Jonathan Whittle. A former writer for the SyFy Channel’s production department, he said, “Look, if I can write a crappy movie like Mechadolphin vs. Radioactive Squid and get it through production and on the air, stuff like this is a snap. I’ve got reams of material that didn’t make the cut at SyFy, and all I have to do is change the names of the characters to politicians and that’s that. In fact these things are more plausible than what Fox actually puts out”

Fox News viewership is down 12%, which represents the proportion of their audience served by Dish. Meanwhile, Dish chairman Charlie Ergen reports a 47% increase in customers switching over from DirecTV and local cable services. “If this keeps up, we’ll reach a tipping point where the increase in viewership will offset the loss of revenue from Fox. When that happens, we plan to launch a “Fox Free” ad campaign. Attempts to reach Fox Broadcasting for comment were unsuccessful.

About Post Author

E.A. Blair

E.A. Blair is the 'nom de commenter' of someone who has been a teacher, game designer, programmer, logistic support officer and technical writer at various times in his life. Most of the hits in a search on his real name predate the internet; it appears exactly four times in Wikipedia and six times on IMDb.
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Ralph Peck
9 years ago

You and Joe H. are a pair of the best satirists I’ve read. Two different styles but matched talent. I believed this at the first read, then read the comments. Good work there EAB.

9 years ago

Brilliant satire. Had to read it three times.

Rachael
9 years ago

I would never have thought that DISH TV would have accounted for 12% of Fox News viewers. Very interesting and well written article with a satirical bent. I loved it.

E.A. Blair
9 years ago

Sub to comments.

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