The Sarah Palin Virus

How’s this for a topic sentence: “Sarah Palin is a frothing moron.” Hold up- did I say ‘frothing moron’? Excuse me, I meant to say that she is a ‘FUCKING MORON.’

Judging from that, you can probably guess that this article probably isn’t going to be the kind of thing that you can read to your family for a nice chuckle over the breakfast table. Not that I care. But on the upside, you’ll probably be able to share this at the office with any liberal-minded friends, or you can send it to any uber-conservative people just to piss them off, which I freely condone. Fuck ‘em if they don’t have a sense of humor, and you and I know they don’t. After all, we’re talking about people who refuse to acknowledge that G.W. Bush was a lousy President who drove the country into near- financial ruin, think that having a Republican-controlled Congress is a good idea, and that Bill O’Reilly is an intellectual. Wrong on all counts.

For those of you who have been paying attention, it’s no secret that I loathe Sarah Palin. (Notice how I use the word ‘loathe’ instead of ‘hate’? It means my level of disgust towards her went up past ten and shot up to eleven. What’s the distinction, you ask? It’s one level LOUDER.) Now normally, I admire and respect most women, even if I don’t particularly like them. But in Palin’s case, she’s special because she is the one female on the planet (and I use the term ‘female’ very loosely) that I would gleefully punch in the face without thinking twice about it. If I’m being completely honest, I don’t really think of her as a woman- she’s a demonic succubus who needs to be sent back to the inner circle of Hell.

The woman is literally a walking virus. Every single time she opens her mouth, she makes me want to vomit. To make matters worse, she’s like a bad case of Herpes. She goes away for a while, and just when you think you’ve got her under control, she comes roaring back with a vengeance. I swear to Christ- when I’m in moods like the one I’m in as I write this, I’m glad that I’m anti-gun.

I honestly can’t tell who’s the bigger idiot, Sarah Palin of her fanbase. Because here’s the thing- the entire time she has been part of the national conversation, she has NEVER had one single positive thing to say. Sure, she has no problem criticizing the Obama administration and liberals in general, but has she ever offered an alternative? Has she ever said, “Well, if I were President- this what I would do to make things better?” or at least something that wasn’t presented to her beforehand or typed onto a teleprompter? Or scrawled on her hand? As it is, I think she might be a sock puppet. Lord knows how many hands have been up that fat ass of hers

What makes me laugh is that she’s actually thinking of running for President in 2016. Well, so she says, at any rate. I hate to disappoint the Palinite faithfuls, but your Queen Bee ain’t gonna be running for jack SHIT. The only run she’s gonna make is to the bank to collect the cash all of you fools donate to her super-pac. Grow a brain! Haven’t you grasped the fact that the only reason she dangles that hope is so you’ll flood her coffers? SHE DOESN’T CARE ABOUT YOU. To believe otherwise is just plain idiotic.

Sarah Palin is NOT qualified to run this country. George W. Bush wasn’t qualified to run this country, and we saw how that turned out. Do you seriously want someone in office who will make it WORSE? For fuck’s sake, she couldn’t string a coherent speech together when she was in Iowa. Here’s proof:

“It’s too big to succeed, so we can afford no retreads. Or nothing will change, with the same people and the same policies that got us into this status quo. Another Latin word, status quo. And it stands for, man, the middle class, every day Americans are really gettin’ taken for a ride. That’s status quo. And GOP leaders, by the way, uh, you know, the man can only ride ya’ when your back is bent, so strengthen it. Then the man can’t ride ya’, America won’t be taken for a ride because so much is at stake.”

I must have read that a dozen times over already, and I can’t make heads or tails out of it. Sarah’s doorknob of a daughter, Bristol Palin, defended her mother, saying that she was quoting a speech from Martin Luther King. Really? Because as far as I remember, the only brain damage MLK suffered from was when he got shot. He had an excuse. Despite that, King has more intelligence dead than Sarah Palin has alive. Bristol’s no prize, either. All it takes to get into her pants is a tent, a little Bieber on the Ipod, and a four-pack of wine coolers. Switch out the Bieber for some George Michael, and I probably could have boned her in the eighties! I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that Bristol could be an interpreter for her mother- she speaks ‘moron’ fluently. Which is probably more than I can say for her grasp of the English language. Not to mention birth control. You know, I can’t help feeling bad for Sarah’s retarded son. It doesn’t take three guesses to figure out what side of the family he takes after.

Was that too harsh? Because I don’t particularly give a fuck.

The thing that shocks me the most is that Senator John McCain, who foisted the Palin virus on the American public during his 2008 Presidential campaign and who almost immediately grew to regret it, recently said that he would support his former running mate if she decided to throw her hat into the 2016 election. If I ever had any doubts that John McCain was senile leading to the first stages of dementia, this eliminates them completely.

This country needs an enema to purge itself of the rancid feces that infests its bowels, starting with Sarah Palin. I’d also like to include every mouth-breathing conservative right along with her, but that’s too much to hope for. Besides, I don’t mind starting small.

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