Texas Ted Cruz-Born to Lose

Tell me something- do you ever get a throbbing headache that just refuses to go away? You know, the kind where you want to pick up a chisel and ram it into your forehead just to relieve the pressure? That’s how I feel as I write this article, and here’s why: Earlier this week, Ted Cruz announced his desire to seek the republican nomination for the presidency in the upcoming 2016 election.

It’s not like it’s a surprise though -Texas Ted has been lusting after the big chair since he started combing his hair with buttered toast at puberty thanks in part to his even more of a whacko father, Pastor Rafael Cruz, who ‘anointed’ his son as one of the seven Dominionist ‘kings’ destined to help clear the way for Jesus’ eventual return to Earth. (Insert retching noise here.)

So after reading that, if you’ve developed a migraine, congratulations! You’ve taken up residence in the same mindspace I occupy!

In researching this piece, I’ve had to suffer through the mental equivalent of swimming upstream through a river of shit. And here’s one thing I’ve discovered: Ted Cruz is UNELECTABLE. When I say that, I don’t mean it as though he doesn’t have a decent shot at winning the nomination, (he actually doesn’t; he has only 4% of the voter support among republicans, not that it makes any difference) I’m saying his every position on leading this country is laughably delusional.

People close to Cruz claim he is ‘one of the smartest men in the Senate’, but that’s according to who, exactly? Reading Dr. Seuss’s “Green Eggs and Ham” as part of his filibuster against ObamaCare doesn’t quite scream genius to me. Maybe in an ironic sense, but he even missed the boat on that score. So he graduated from Harvard, but so what? In the words of Woody Allen, “Hey, Harvard makes mistakes too, y’know! Kissinger taught there!”

The Democrats are howling with excitement at the possibility of a one-on-one run against Hilary Clinton because they figure it wouldn’t just be a landslide victory, it would be a blowout on the Hiroshima scale. Me, I’m not so sure. Everybody thought George W. Bush was a loser, and he wormed his way into the oval office. As I said- Cruz only has four percent support of the base, but who is to say that he couldn’t build on that support? Keep in mind that he won his seat in the senate against an incumbent whom nobody thought would lose. So I’m not counting him out just yet or treating him like a joke. He’s a threat, plain and simple.

We all laughed at Sarah Palin, mostly because we all took her for an idiot, and we weren’t wrong on that score. The only thing that was scary about her becoming president was that if McCain kicked it, she’d be the next one in line. Which in turn, would have made me invest in a sniper rifle, though that’s neither here nor there. I still don’t know if I would consider Ted Cruz an idiot- clearly, he knows how to reach people and panders to the lowest common denominator of the lowbrow crowd, but isn’t that how you win votes? By telling people what they want to hear?

The only saving grace against a Cruz presidency is that the guy has said so many fucking dumbass things since being elected to the senate that they won’t just bite him in the ass- they’re going to pound him like a prison gang rape. And trust me, when I say that, I’m being polite.     

For instance, he’s trying to rally his supporters by saying that it’s time to ‘take America back!’ As if we haven’t heard THAT one before. Every time I hear somebody say that, I always want to ask- just who are you trying to take it back from? Christians are always whining about being persecuted, but tell me- who the Hell is persecuting them? Nobody I know of. Well, maybe me, but I’ve barely begun to scratch the surface in that regard. Besides, Christianity is just BEGGING to be made fun of! I mean, we’re talking about a bunch of people who love Jesus to the point of wanting to hump a cross, but have proven time and again that they don’t know jack shit about his teachings.

Despite that inconsistency, is Ted Cruz even slightly aware of how his past antics will play in prime-time? The man is pretty much the Charlie Sheen of the Republican Party at this point. Okay, so he hasn’t done mountains of coke and fucked every hooker on the planet, but his notoriety is at the same level. The only difference is that he’s not claiming to have tiger blood running through his veins or pretending to still have a viable career. Considering all the verbal pole dancing he does at political rallies, Ted may as well just show up in a thong and clear heels. At least that would make his speeches more entertaining to the rest of us.

I dunno, maybe we’ve reached a point in the political process where you have to be a frothing lunatic to get noticed. Lord knows that’s certainly the case on the side of the right-wing. They’ve become the literal ‘bizarro’ version of the left-wing; illogical, anti-intellectual, and bigoted as all Hell. Somebody should pry the crown from Sarah Palin’s hand and declare Texas Ted the new King of the Retards.

He was named the senate chairman for NASA, and he’s anti-science. Can you believe that? How does he think we got to the moon, we built a hollow rocket and fueled it with vapors from God’s farts? I nearly stroked out laughing when I found out that he was being ‘forced’ to sign up for Obamacare. Come on, Teddy- Really? It’s not like anybody is putting a gun to your head. Though I wish they would. And pulled the trigger.

I mean, not only is this guy wrong by every single intellectual standard that could ever be, but he’s also on the wrong side of history, too! He doesn’t know the constitution very well (if at all) and he complains about government overreach so much, it makes you wonder why he’s bothering to run at all. At one speech he gave, he went on a rant, telling the crowd that he basically wanted to shut down nearly every government agency we have- the EPA, the Departments of Education and Transportation, and even the IRS! I was like, “How the fuck do you plan on running the country, asshole? Using the force?”

If anything, he wants to turn the great melting pot into one colossal mega-church where we’re all kneeling at God’s feet while he fucks us in the ass. I don’t give Fox news credit for much, but I thought it was a great moment when Megyn Kelly asked him point blank, “What have you accomplished?” And he sat there like a deer in the headlights. Because let me tell you- that will sum up the entirety of a Cruz presidency.

I’ll be the first one to admit that Teddy boy has as much chance of winning the presidency as Kanye West does of winning the Nobel Peace Prize, but that doesn’t mean it couldn’t happen if the right circumstances presented themselves. Though I suppose the Koch Brothers and Jeb Bush will have something to say about that. Believe you, me- I NEVER thought I’d be so grateful to have their slimy paws in the race, until the primaries are over, at any rate.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to delouse myself and vomit profusely until I barf out a lung.

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