Why Florida Might Be the Place For Me

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Over here in Blighty we often poke fun at Essex people – mainly young – as, for some reason, we seem to think that an inordinate percentage of them are just plain daft. TV shows like ‘The Only Way Is Essex’ merely serve to confirm our suspicions albeit my daughter’s partner is from Essex and is a marvellous chap. I suppose he must be the exception that proves the rule.

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Perusing a newspaper the other day I discovered much to my surprise and delight that America has a similar ‘county’ to Essex although, of course, over there it’s a ‘state’ rather than a county but, that apart, Essex has clearly got much in common with Florida.

A car thief in Florida leapt into a lake to evade capture by the police and was eaten by an alligator. Excellent!

A Florida man decided to impersonate a police officer for some reason and took to pulling over cars. One such car was filled with undercover police officers. Marvellous!

A Florida man ran through an airport lounge, clad only in his underwear, waving martial arts weapons because, he later said, he wanted to know what it was like to be tasered!

A Florida man tried to steal a chainsaw by stuffing it down his trousers and was, apparently, surprised that he didn’t get away with it. “Are you off tree chopping or just pleased to see me?”

A kidnapper holding a family hostage at their home allowed the mother to order pizza on line. Her order included the words ‘Please help! Get 911 to me! 911 hostage help!’ Suffice to say the man didn’t get to share the pizza.

A Florida armed robber accidentally shot himself and waved down a police car to take him to hospital. After treatment he was, not entirely surprisingly, arrested.

A Florida man claimed a Dolphin seduced him into having sex with it.

A Florida man arrested whilst standing in the middle of a street directing traffic and urinating.

There are so many more fascinatingly lunatic stories about Florida man. Florida woman doesn’t exactly do much better mind you.

A Florida stripper tried to hack her boyfriend to death with an axe. He remained unharmed after the attempted murder and said “Her coordination was terrible” – you couldn’t make it up could you?

Florida was also the state that held up the 2000 Presidential election for 5 days after cocking up the ballot papers or what ever it was they did.

It’s also the favourite destination for Brits on holiday. I can only assume that most of the holidaying Brits in question are from Essex.

Incidentally, the alligator that ate the car thief was shot dead. Novelist Carl Hiaason (who ever he is – I presume he’s local?) quite rightly said “They should have given the alligator a Crime Stoppers Award”

I’d fit right in in Florida.

About Post Author

Neil Bamforth

I am English first, British second and never ever European. I have supported Oldham Athletic FC for 50 years which has made me immune from depression. My taste buds have died due to too many red hot curries so I drink Kronenburg beer and milk - sometimes in the same glass. I have a wife, daughter, 9 cats and I like toast.
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Glenn Geist
8 years ago

That’s more Florida weirdness. North Florida is the South and South Florida isn’t. Most people in my town are from the Mid Atlantic States and up to New England. Not that they’re any less narrow minded and it’s no coincidence that Ann Coulter and Rush Limbaugh live in Palm Beach, just a bit south of me.

Ben Carson bumper stickers are starting to appear. . .

Glenn Geist
8 years ago

Um, the white belt set are long dead folks. Most Floridians these days don’t dress even that well. Camouflage shorts and flip flops seem to be OK for Church and no shirt, no shoes and you look overdressed here. I used to have family in Essex – no comparison. the weather and the roads are far better in Florida and we drive on the correct side of the road, when sober.

Hiassen is a former investigative reporter from the Miami Herald and his books are trenchant and cynical send-ups of Florida weirdness, which he hardly has to exaggerate. I once heard him say “the wild west never died, it just retired and moved to Florida” and that’s no exaggeration either. Need I mention that it’s a steadfast “red” state?

Several years ago the legislature decided that too many people enjoyed watching animals having sex, so they introduced a bill making it illegal to observe or to film such barnyard activities but with an exemption for animal husbandry purposes. One Congresswoman objected because she thought this would legalize marriage to animals. I swear, I’m not making this up.

Bill Formby
Reply to  Glenn Geist
8 years ago

It is ironic Glenn that the Northwest part of Florida is just an extension of my home state of Alabama. The stupids in Alabama just migrate down there when they run out of red neck room in L.A. (Lower Alabama).

Tall Stacey
8 years ago

Yes, Norman, I think you would. Get yourself some turtleneck pants and a white patent leather belt, you’ll never be noticed.

Reply to  Tall Stacey
8 years ago

LOL! Norman would 🙂

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