A Republican Guide to Creationism and Global Warming
Read Time:3 Minute, 45 Second
With my good friend Rick Perry joining the pack of my other good friends seeking the republican nomination for president, I feel it is my duty to present the republican thesis on science stuff. Although I am supporting my good friend Rick Santorum I wish to save Perry and the other republicans the embarrassment of having to answer questions. This most likely will help Perry in that his campaign is built on not saying anything stupid this time.
What must be remembered is God’s plan for us and how it relates to climate change and evolution and American Exceptionalism.
Our Nation was founded by virtuous Christian men who were guided by the Holy Spirit to throw chests of tea into Boston Harbor and go on midnight rides warning that the British were coming. They then meet to write documents and a Constitution that was based on sound Christian stuff. Unfortunately a liberal wing managed to remove the eye for an eye provision which led to gangs and drugs and evil doers and the Clintons and Obamas that plague our Nation to this day.
What must be learned and accepted is that it’s the mighty hand of God that shapes events. No matter how much humans may pollute the atmosphere it is ultimately up to God whether or not carbon dioxide warms it which leads to polar ice melting. Freak storms and changing weather patterns. Ours is not to blame God for these things but to thank Him for His guiding hand and brokers who got us ou of coal mining companies. God does favor the wealthy. They create the jobs and pay the bills for those not wealthy. Or as the wealthy call them, “moochers.”
Those 97% of scientists who blame mankind for climate change are the deluded ones. The 3% who don’t blame man understand it is God’s will. And that a bunch of them are on the payroll of big oil companies like Exxon only proves that God guides them also by having them pay Godly scientists to refute the untruths of the 97%.
In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. It’s plain as day that’s what happened because we’re here, aren’t we? God knew, however, many of the animals he created were dangerous. So when the grandchildren of Adam and Eve spread across the lands God made sure they had enough badness in them from Eve’s eating the apple and tricking poor Adam into taking a bite, that the grandchildren would be able to hunt down and kill all the dinosaurs and sabre toothed tigers that would have eaten them, and kill the brontosauruses and mammoths that would eat and trample their crops.
Early humans weren’t plagued with the diseases we have today due to God’s punishing humanity for evil doing like gay marriage which is why He destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah. The Bible indeed says you shall not covet another man’s property or his ASS! So early humans were bigger and stronger than they are today. A triceratops would have been short work for the spear of one of them.
Because God gave humans dominion over the earth and the animals we can do whatever we please and it’s blessed, excepting bestiality of course. Since The Bible also demands women submit to their husbands however the release of sinful passions shouldn’t require alternative receptacles. Women just need to obey God and their husbands.
Naturally God made everything perfect so early humans couldn’t kill all the dinosaurs and mammoths. But in His wisdom waited till humanity went totally nuts and ignored His laws for lives of lust and gluttony. Liberalism was alive even then, so He ordered the only good republican, Noah, to build an ark and gather the animals two by two and wait for 40 days and nights of rain. That’s how God rid the planet of the more dangerous animals. It also explains freaky little animals like the platypus. God thought they were cute.
I hope this helps my fellow republicans explain to the liberals and secular humanists who want to embolden our enemies and destroy America how God’s hand shapes our climate and life on our planet. Let us all thank God and his favored political party for all our blessings and answers to our questions. May God also bless MadMike’s America even though he and his minions won’t appreciate it.
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Joe, you’re hilarious! You ought to write for “The Onion.”
Ha Ha! Bloody loved it and I’m not even American.
Joe this is great man. You need to do one of these every Sunday. Thanks for the belly laugh.
“Mark my word, if and when these preachers get control of the [Republican] party, and they’re sure trying to do so, it’s going to be a terrible damn problem. Frankly, these people frighten me. Politics and governing demand compromise. But these Christians believe they are acting in the name of God, so they can’t and won’t compromise. I know, I’ve tried to deal with them.”
— Barry Goldwater
Very appropriate quote Alex. Couldn’t agree more, and with Barry Goldwater no less.
Not all Republicans are god-soaked science-denier morons. I’m very conservative, atheist, and accept scientific facts like evolution. I usually vote for Republican politicians unless they’re as stupid as Rick Perry.
Unfortunately America’s Christian scum have destroyed the Republican Party, as was predicted by Barry Goldwater, the 1964 Republican candidate for president. Mr. Goldwater had extreme contempt for uneducated Christian idiots.
thanks, Joe. This would make perfect sense if I had the ability to read it with the help of the ” Palin Word Salad and TeaBible Translater. “
You have one of those Shaw? My friend Ted has one and loves it. He can’t read anything without it 🙂
LOL! Best Sunday morning read ever! I love you Joe, you are my hero. 🙂
You know as far out kooky as I make these the stuff spewed by Ted Cruz, Ben Carson and my other republican friends is even kookier. Pseudo republican truth is stranger than fiction.