All For The Love Of Animals

Mike, as we all know, is an animal lover. I am an animal lover. Most, if not all, readers and contributors to MMA are animal lovers. It’s easy to be an animal lover unless you are an unfeeling little shit actually. I have met a few unfeeling little shits in my time. An old school friend – actually he wasn’t a friend he was merely in my class – who got in trouble for throwing bricks at horses in a field. What sane person would do that?

Another time – when I was around 14 – a lad who knocked about with our crew tied a firework to a cats tail. I happened to arrive at the scene as the firework went off. He had a reputation for being ‘hard’ and nobody messed with him – including me.

I was so incensed that I just thumped him as hard as I could. He went down and didn’t get up and I had a broken knuckle. Well worth the pain.

For many years my wife and I were actively involved in the British charity ‘Cats Protection’. It all started when I said “I want to get a dog” and the wife being a woman – as wives at that time invariably were – went and got two kittens.

Duke (after John Wayne who the wifey inexplicably adored) and Duchess as it went with ‘Duke’ took up residence with us. In our ignorance of such things back then we let Duchess have a litter of kittens. The ‘old wives tale’ being that a female cat would be more ‘amenable’ if she had kittens.

We kept two – Max and Samantha – and Oscar went to her parents. Once the kittens were virtually weaned Duchess started going out again and, one memorable evening, I went to bring her in and a manky old Tom cat was attempting to mount her. I suspect he was the father of her kittens.

I grabbed her and set off up the drive to the door. The manky old Tom then grabbed onto my ankles and I ended up dragging him along, Duchess in my arms, as he howled and clawed my ankles to bits.

That, to me, is going ‘above and beyond’ in terms of animal love. It took several days for my ankles to fully heal!

I have come across a lady who’s love of animals far exceeds anything I’ve ever come across. I, clearly, am not including the unbelievably awful porn movie ‘Animal Farm’ which I have never seen. Honest. Really. Oh, all right. It wasn’t through choice. It was shown at a party once when I was in my very early 20’s.

Two naked women seemed to want to have sex with a dog. The dog just didn’t want to know and, eventually, the movie moved onto something else as the dog was damned if they were ever going to catch him for that!

There was a chap on a milking stool shagging a cow – which stood completely still benignly chewing the cud and clearly oblivious to what was occurring behind it.

Two naked ladies were playing with a pigs private bits. I seem to recall the surprise shown that a pigs bits are the same shape as it’s tail. Having worked on a farm I wasn’t surprised but I’ve always wondered if that’s were the term ‘screwing’ came from?

Anyway. I don’t really remember much about the movie. Er. Um. Well, not very much anyway. (How to dig a hole and keep digging?)

Right, back to the lady in question. Her love of animals exceeds pretty much anything I’ve ever come across.

Dominique Lesbirel married Doerack, a cat, eight years ago but aged 19 and suffering kidney failure he had to be put down.

The 41-year-old Dominique has now found love with her dog, Travis, and hopes they will get married one day.

“It’s still too soon to marry just yet”, she said, but one day she will hold a ceremony to wed apparently. Too soon??? What? So you’ve only just met the dog in question? You have to get ‘to know each other’ and find ‘shared interests’? It’s a DOG you loopy cow!

Dominique actually got ordained on line and carries out weddings for other people with their pets. But there are rules, of course.

‘I’m happy to conduct same sex marriages, or to let people marry more than one pet. I only marry domestic animals, though. In some parts of the world, you hear of people keeping lions and tigers as pets – I wouldn’t marry people to them’.

Really? Oh, that’s all right then!

‘I also need to be sure they truly love and respect their pet.’ she continues in all seriousness. (Mad as a bloody hatter yes?)

Of course, she’s attracted some criticism for what she does and has received death threats:

‘I had people emailing me telling me I was cruel,’ she said. ‘They said I was basically promoting animal cruelty. Some were horrified and thought I was condoning bestiality, which was awful and certainly not the case’.

Non-consummated marriages then? Well, thank you for small mercies!

‘I would never condone such terrible acts of cruelty to animals. My site is all about making a commitment to pets to show your dedication to them and promise that you will always look after them.’

She added: ‘We’d be lost without those happy little faces at our windows, so I’ll do anything I can to remind people to treat animals with love, kindness and respect’.

‘That’s why I’m planning to marry Travis. He’s given me so much happiness and unconditional love. I just want to celebrate that bond.’

It’s at times like this when I realise that, regardless of evidence to the contrary, I am, to all intents and purposes, sane.

There’s nowt stranger than folk as we say in Lancashire.

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