Conservative Jesus Freaks Screw Regularly But Rarely Seem to Get Screwed

After watching the Duggar saga I can only come away with one conclusion. My faith to my wife and to my Lord and savior Jesus Christ haven’t gotten me anywhere.

David Vitter: whoremonger. He’s a U.S. Senator and darling of conservatives.

Mark Sanford: loves magnificent boobs and will travel to Argentina to get them. He’s in Congress.

Rush Limbaugh and Donald Trump: oft married blowhards worth millions and billions. Conservatives love them.

I swear if Jarod Fogle makes a love Jesus speech and begs forgiveness and fealty to the Tea Party even this joker will make good. He’ll just be labled a lover of children and a conservative church will name it’s daycare after this asshole.

Jimmy Swaggart, another whoremonger, lives a life 99.9% of us can only dream of and he’s forgiven. Reaps millions in donations from a flock that would forgive him for screwing sheep. He’d just be called an animal lover and compared to Noah by these deluded fools.

The people I feel bad for are the wives of these pricks. Poor Mrs. Duggar was bred to be obedient and servile to her husband. While Josh stands there with that shit eating, Jesus loves me so I’m going to Heaven and you’re not look on his well groomed face, his poor wife is being shamed by the idiots who adore this dick for not being submissive enough or pretty or whatever shit they can imagine cause God forbid a male follower of Christ be a lecherous prick without Satan using his old lady to fill him full of sinful lust. We conservatives all know evil is the spawn of Satan and he uses women who aren’t as Godly as us men to work his evil.

Considering the markets are crashing and my ill gotten republican approved stock market gains in Exxon and Halliburton and Hooters are disappearing it’s time to see the light like my fellow conservative Jesus lovers mentioned here. None of them are hurting. It’s time I went out on a lecherous spree. I can make my wife stand next to me in support while confessing my sins to the press and congregation knowing my fellow conservative Jesus loving allies will forgive me and blame her for my debauchery. Then I can go on a speaking tour and make millions. Then I can run for Congress, win and demand a return to moral values from a time our nation obeyed God and men kept their penises in their pants. That was the intent of the Founding Fathers. None of them were lechers that had affairs or boinked their slave women. They were founding a nation based on Judeo/Christian principles and didn’t have time for intercourse other than for procreation purposes. More proof of creationism as fact because procreation and creation are similar words which shows the Founding Fathers knew Darwin was wrong before Darwin was born.

After a period of sin and debauchery I’ll make my first confession here at MMA knowing it will be the highest read article I’ve ever submitted. MadMike will send me a big check for the Google ad revenue from clicks to religious sites he’ll add. I will humbly accept it as God’s reward for my contrite confession. I will practice my crying before the cameras roll though as Republican tears are gold. We use them when talking about America or confessing extramarital boinking. And we are forgiven and put on pedestals. My pedestal awaits.

Please accept my apologies, send me money and vote for me. It’s God’s will. If I run for president I’ll make Josh Duggar my running mate. He can “tend” the sheep we’ll be using to mow the White House lawn to save taxpayer dollars. He’s an animal lover as well as a lover of children from what I understand.

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