Mike Huckabee: America’s Number One Snake Oil Salesman

Read Time:5 Minute, 14 Second

Donald Trump is a jackass. That’s a given. But when I look at someone like Mike Huckabee, on some level, I’m thinking, “Now he seems relatively likable and reasonable.” At which point, I slap myself awake and remember whom it is that I’m talking about. You can pretty much say that about every republican, though. They all seem likable and reasonable- until they open their mouths. After that, it’s like a Tourette’s epidemic!

Mike-Huckabee-Looney

There’s nothing I hate more in life than a hypocrite. I guess that would probably explain why I loathe the Republican Party. I loathe them because they like to pretend they’re so pious and have the moral high ground on everything. They say they want small government, but yet they have no problem abusing their power by telling everyday Americans how to live their lives. They tell you what to think and what to believe; all the while they are lining their pockets and laughing at you behind your back for being a sucker. To make matters worse, most of them justify it by making themselves out to be the purveyors of God’s word, when the truth is, most of them probably use the bible as toilet paper. (I do too, but for another reason entirely. Besides, Charmin is for pussies!)

Which swings the pendulum back to Mike Huckabee. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone work as hard as he does to maintain such a personable and genteel image. Most politicians try to project that, but the façade usually slips when they think no one is paying attention. Take Rand Paul, for example- he seems like the kind of guy you’d like to play poker with until he gets flustered and angry, at which point he’ll snap like a serial killer on crystal meth. But not Mike Huckabee, I don’t think I’ve ever seen his mask of civility slip once, even with all of the stupid shit he’s said and done this year. If there was such a thing as the academy awards of bullshit, I think Mike would be their version of Meryl Streep.

I mean, I couldn’t believe how vigorously he defended the Duggar clan when it came out that Josh Duggar had molested his sisters. Most sane people would have backed away from them and ran like Hell as though Josh was Leatherface and they were the Hewitt family from THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE, but not only did the Huckster dig his heels in, he pulled up a chair and had some of that roast made from human flesh! And really, how can you defend what he did? Okay, I grant you that he was a kid and that he was screwed up, but that’s no excuse! The fact that the Duggars covered the whole thing up was nothing short of morally repugnant! When you stop to consider that Huckabee basically just blew off the molestation allegations as a ‘teenage misadventure’ and that Josh and the Duggars were ‘good’ Christians, it makes you wonder- how far does a person have to go past the point of forgiveness to be branded a ‘bad’ Christian? I’m beginning to wonder if Hitler would qualify in Huckabee’s eyes.

Not that that was the first time Huckabee stood by a morally reprehensible human being.

While Governor of Arkansas, he lobbied the state parole board to release convicted killer and rapist, Wayne DuMond, because he believed that he had reformed after ‘discovering’ Jesus while in prison. As it turned out, DuMond later ended up raping and killing another woman in Colorado in 2000, though he died in custody before he could be prosecuted.

So yeah, I think it’s safe to say that Mike Huckabee doesn’t have the moral high ground. He thinks that racism could be cured if we all converted to Christianity. Yeah, well, I think he lost that argument when Dylan Roof shot up that church in South Carolina. Roof himself stated that everyone in the church was kind to him and invited him to join in prayer. He says he very nearly did, but decided instead to let his bigotry and hate take over and commit a massacre. That being the case, I think the conversion debate is over, and Huckabee was outgunned, pun intended.

Don’t even ask me to repeat his views on gay marriage. Huckabee seems to be of the opinion that same-sex marriage will lead to the apocalypse. Seriously? It’s been over a month, and we’re all still here. I think it’s safe to say that God is okay with two guys wanting to shack up and be miserable just like every other married couple.

But the most ridiculous thing about him is his views on the Iran nuclear arms deal. Like most of Congress, he probably hasn’t even read what the deal entails- he’s just against it like every other conservative because they hate Obama and Iran is bad. Well, no shit Iran is bad. Thing is, though- they’re also the only thing keeping ISIS in check. Not only that, but the fact remains, we need to have some way of keeping them in check. Republicans need to stop whining about getting a better deal. Don’t you think if there were any hope for a better deal, our state department would have found it? HELLO!

The only thing a republican deal would entail can be summed up in one word: WAR. No thank you.

Mr. Huckabee, Obama isn’t shoving Israel to the oven door- if anything, they’re probably immolating themselves at this point. Killing and bombing every Palestinian in sight probably ISN’T going to win them a lot of friends in the Middle East. You think? Netanyahu is just as much a psychotic chickenhawk as the nitwits we have in our own Congress.

Every sentence Huckabee uses usually begins with, “When I’m President…” Well, I have news for you- it’s never going to happen, so you may as well give it up. Stick to playing the bass guitar. At least that way, the rest of us won’t have to hear you speak.

About Post Author

Gregory B. Gonzalez

Gregory B. Gonzalez is an angry black man who isn't actually black. No, really- he told us to say that! His parents once had him tested for Tourette's, but when the doctor came back with his results, he said, "No, he's fine. Your son is just an a**hole!" It's been downhill ever since. He lives like the Unabomber, only without the explosives. Feel free to contact him provided you can actually locate him. Just keep in mind that he'll probably make fun of you to your face. We here at MMA can't stand him, so if you want him, he's all yours!
Happy
Happy
0 %
Sad
Sad
0 %
Excited
Excited
0 %
Sleepy
Sleepy
0 %
Angry
Angry
0 %
Surprise
Surprise
0 %
0 0 votes
Article Rating
Subscribe
Notify of

2 Comments
Newest
Oldest Most Voted
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
8 years ago

I agree with Tim Greg. Well said and well done. I actually prefer Trump over this POS.

8 years ago

You’ve nailed this piece of shit Greg. Couldn’t have said it better myself.

Previous post Songs In The Key Of Life
Next post The Rumors of Jericho the Lion’s Death Were Greatly Exaggerated-Cecil’s Pal Alive and Well
2
0
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x
()
x