Some Good Old Republican Foreign Policy Advice For Donald Trump

It was just a matter of time before my friend Donald was asked a question that he couldn’t answer because he didn’t know it.  Instead of gracefully acknowledging he wasn’t familiar yet with everything about foreign policy, he stumbled and mumbled an answer that was so ridiculously uninformed not even he could bluster his way out of it.  This happened during his interview with my good friend, conservative talk show host Hugh Hewitt.

Donald apparently didn’t know the names of any terrorists or their groups. It looks like he has a hard time remembering the names of foreign leaders as well. It seems the effervescent smiling Carly Fiorina knows all that nonsense though. And while a good grasp of civics, which we republicans only should be taught as a theory other than the factuals Creationism and American Exceptionalism, we really don’t care about other cultures and government as long as government does what we want or don’t want it to.

So once again I give Mr. Trump some free advice. Don my friend: outside of a relatively few intellectuals and left wing intellectual wannabes, nobody cares what the names or the terrorists and their groups are. Simply call them all evildoers and you’ll be fine. It got George W. elected — twice. The job of the Commander in Chief is to order their killing, not write their obituaries. Their names don’t matter.

On to the rest of foreign policy. Other than Putin whose name we can use to conjure up cold war fears and scare voters into thinking only republicans can stand up to his evil and might, nobody else’s name matter either. Simple refer to any Chink as “Charlie.” Any Jap as “Tojo.” Any other Ruskie as “Ivan.” Any Frenchie as a pussy frog capitulator. Any Wop as “Luigi.” And Latin as “Pedro.”   Any Irishman as “Paddy.”   Any African as “Mabuto.”   Any Arab as “Omar.” Any Israeli as “our good friend and ally.”

The rest of the world really doesn’t matter since outside of a few geography teachers and students cramming for an exam nobody knows or cares where anything else is. England is a special case. The only name we need to remember is Margaret Thatcher. Nobody else matters. The answer to any question about English politicians is “I remember Margaret Thatcher. What a great lady.” Shuts everyone up.

If called upon by President Trump I would humbly and proudly accept his offer of Secretary of State although I’d rather be a spokesman for something. These jokers announce firings and layoffs and plant closing and other bad news but never get fired or laid off themselves. They make big bucks and have the best job security in the world.   But sadly Donald didn’t ask for my advice before looking silly with Mr. Hewitt and now that this is public Ted Cruz or Marco Rubio will seize upon it and establish their credentials as foreign policy experts thanks to me. But in the interests of loyal republicaning if they do what Hewett/Packard did, pay Carly Fiorina 20 million to go away, I’d gladly accept the same offer. Don’t want to be too greedy.

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