Liberal Oprah Winfrey Still Thinks Like a Billionaire

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To be rich you have to think rich. Big ideas. Big dreams. Go all in on whatever fits your fancy. Despite Oprah Winfrey being an Obama supporter and supporter of liberal stuff and woman and poor people, blah blah blah, she is still a billionaire. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Oprah-Winfrey-001

It’s no secret Oprah has had to struggle with her weight as long as anyone remembers. While the takers and moochers of society would either choose to stay fay and eat more bacon, or eat a salad for lunch instead of a supersized McDonalds meal, if they did choose to spend money on a diet or program it would certainly be in moderation. Many of them would choose the WeightWatchers program and spend the few bucks a week.

Oprah is different. Being a billionaire she has to think big. So she owns ten percent of Weightwatchers International now, with an option to buy another five percent. That’s how billionaires think. As a republican I respect her actions. Good billionaires will not be constrained by societal norms governing the taker class. It’s why my good friends the Koch brothers or Sheldon Addleson ignore campaign finance limits and just get rules changed so they can start PACs and donate however much they want to whomever they want. It’s good to see Oprah getting with the billionaire program. As long as she doesn’t start a political pac anyway.

When news of Oprah’s purchase of Weightwatchers stock at the price of 6.79 a share broke the price quickly jumped to 11.54. This meant a fat (hee hee) profit for investors already owning the stock. No doubt now that Oprah has figured out what she can do for book sales she can do for stock prices. Her inner billionaire will demand she start a stock picking service. I hope so anyway. We republicans had given up on Oprah. Always a shame when a billionaire isn’t a republican but even a whore deserves a day off so what the heck. Let the Democrats have one or two billionaires of their own so we at least don’t have to hear them whining about that in addition to all the other stuff they whine about. Republicans do have a sense of fairness. That’s why we allow minimum wage increases once every 10 to 15 years.

I was thinking of shorting Weightwatchers stock, that means betting it’s price will drop to those unfamiliar with stock market stuff. I figured I’d submit an article or two to some investment sites and a few Twitter posts questioning the science of weight loss while proclaiming I’m not a scientist. It’s worked for climate change so why not weight loss?   With my profits I can buy a 51% share of MMA and force MadMike to give me a raise. Or I can just be a good rank and file republican and vote against whatever I’m told that would benefit me and my family cause Democrats would kill our babies and take our guns and demand a fairer distribution of wealth which would cause billionaires pain which we just can’t have.

I look forward to middle class incomes shrinking just as Oprah’s weight will shrink. I may not be able to afford much food after our sound fiscal republican policies come to fruition but at least I’ll have my guns. I can shoot squirrels and rabbits in my backyard for food and they’re low fat. I get my weight under control and enjoy freedom. God bless billionaires like Oprah Winfrey and may God bless America.

About Post Author

Joe Hagstrom

Reformed Liberal now dedicated to saving world from Obamacare and Godless Atheists. Using MadMike's America to audition for high paying job with Fox News.
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