13 Valuable Takeaways From The 1984 Christmas Movie Gremlins

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There are several Christmas movie ‘horror’ standouts like Santa’s Slay, Black Christmas, and of course the ever popular Gremlins. Each has gone the extra mile to prove that while the weather outside is frightful, so too can be the frights inside local movie houses.

We decided to take a closer look at the Christmas classic Gremlins, directed by Steven Spielberg and written by the curiously named Chris Columbus. We investigated what this holiday ‘monster’ movie taught our nation’s children and here’s what we found out:

1. Pets are a major responsibility. This is a worthwhile lesson to impart to our kids. “Hey little Johnny you better remember to take care of Rufus or he could end up murdering your entire town.” Truth be told, I never fed my pet goldfish after midnight for fear of this. At the end of the movie, the main characters show zero self-awareness or regret when Gizmo is taken from them. They are more upset about losing Gizmo than the fact that the majority of their neighbors died because of their negligence as pet owners. They say they are sorry and offer the man a crappy homemade smokeless ashtray, but that hardly makes up for the loss of life.
2. Chinatown is a shady place around the holidays, that is replete with Chinese-American stereotypes. Gremlins doesn’t shy away from caricaturized stereotypes of Chinatown: dragons, gongs, and old wispy-haired opium-addicted men.
3. Inventors are crackpots, but why aren’t some of these inventions being made commercially? Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and Flubber follow the same theme as Gremlins, which depicts inventors as absent-minded and generally out of touch with reality.
4. I can use my microwave in more way than one. Originally thought to be useful only when warming a TV dinner in under 5 minutes, microwaves proved they should also be used when exploding demonic little monsters.
5. Steven Spielberg and Corey Feldman were inescapable in the 80’s. These two were running rampant through multiplexes in the 80’s, but they were reliable to the point of being automatic in making hits. I suppose the late Corey Feldman just had to pad his stats while he could to make up for the lack of offers currently rolling in.
6. There ain’t no party like a Gremlin party. The iconic bar scene in Gremlins resembles Vancouver after a hockey loss: guns, copious amounts of beer, leg warmers, puppets, cross-dressers, break dancing and broken beer bottles. I don’t know if they tipped their waitress well, but at least they let her live long enough to serve them drinks.
7. If I ever need a rollercoaster built, I’ll call a Gremlin. These little fiends prove to have an array of devious skills from driving bulldozers to throwing darts at Gizmo, but their knowledge of electronics is baffling. They turn the stair lift of possible mother of the Grinch and cat-enthusiast Mrs. Deagle into a high-speed death trap. They would have to work to fit the safety requirements, but I imagine they could build me quite the thrill ride.
8. Get a Gremlin on my Ultimate Frisbee team. They are incredibly accurate at throwing plates and saw blades.
9. Don’t go caroling with a Gremlin. For how often Gizmo attempts to sing, you would think the rest of the clan would be serviceable crooners. X factor won’t be tweaking their rules to include gremlins anytime soon.
10. Wooden baseball bats are impervious to chainsaws. Granted this doesn’t seem to make sense, at all. But it happens in Gremlins, and I’m yet to see the Mythbusters guys disprove it. So for now it stands as fact.
11. You calm a Gremlin like you do an infant…..with a Disney movie and/or arson. Is Spielberg hinting that children are in fact bloodthirsty little monsters?
12. Never go FULL Santa. The emotional highpoint of the movie comes when Kate explains her disdain for Christmas. It is a rather hilarious anecdote (apologies to anyone whose father’s died this way, although I highly doubt anyone’s did) that sees Kate’s father trying to surprise her a child by dressing as Santa and climbing down through the chimney with a bag full of presents. Instead he falls and breaks his neck. After weeks of just thinking her father had skipped town, Kate notices the smell of his rotting corpse. She discovers Santa isn’t real when her father’s lifeless body is pulled out of the chimney donning a Santa outfit. If that story doesn’t get you in the Christmas spirit, I don’t know what will.
13. Death can be an ugly thing. Just watch the death of Stripe, the Gremlin leader, at the end of the film if you want reassurance.

Merry Christmas everyone and make sure you don’t feed your Gremlin after midnight!

Liberally edited from the original published on December 21, 2011 by Patrick Henseler.

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Professor Mike

Professor Mike is a left-leaning, dog loving, political junkie. He has written dozens of articles for Substack, Medium, Simily, and Tribel. Professor Mike has been published at Smerconish.com, among others. He is a strong proponent of the environment, and a passionate protector of animals. In addition he is a fierce anti-Trumper. Take a moment and share his work.

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