There Goes January

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Well. That’s it then. The first month of 2016 has flown by. Why is it that as you grow older months and years seem to screech by at the speed of a supersonic jet? Is that fair? It seemed to take a millennium to get to my teens when, stepping under a bus apart, it was likely I had a long time to go. My teens seemed to last forever (which was, at the time, a very good thing I hasten to add) and my twenties and thirties dawdled along quite pleasantly. Somewhere around my forties it suddenly seemed to be ‘whoooosh!’ and you’re fifty.

Anyway, January as gone and we enter February 2016 so let’s review January shall we? Anything new and decent happen?

‘Star Wars – The Force Awakens’ was a high point and, of course, it hadn’t happened previously. A British chap called Major Tim – he really should have been christened Thomas you know – started floating about a space station. Quite nice but hardly on a par with Star Wars is it?

Actually wasn’t all that in December? Oh I don’t know. My short term memory isn’t what it was. I’ve forgotten what I was saying now. See! My short thingamibob, whatsit, is not what it once was.

Anything else new? The migrant crisis in Europe is becoming boringly repetitive. I think we are in serious need of a new crisis actually. Apparently there is something rather bad happening in South America regarding mosquito’s and baby deformity so that sounds promising – well, not for South American babies obviously but going over a month without a good new crisis just isn’t cricket!

Haircut 100 aka The Donald is still babbling on in America but you can only laugh at stupidity for so long. Boring.

Britain’s opposition leader wants to return The Falklands to Argentina and turn nuclear submarines into – er – not nuclear submarines. Boring.

President Vlad The Impaler – I beg your pardon, wrong Eastern European, my mistake – President Vladimir Putin has been accused of sanctioning murder after some British citizen formally Russian had radioactive stuff put in his tea some years ago. Vlad has, of course, denied any knowledge and, of course, he is lying. Boring.

Ayatollha somebody or other from Iran went to see The Pope for some unfathomable reason. Boring.

It snowed a bit in bits of America and everyone went sledging and snow ball fighting. Probably not boring but it was if you weren’t there.

Somebody in Canada went into school and shot some people – possibly to remind the world that Canada is still there somewhere a bit higher on the map than America as so little seems to happen there some of us might have forgotten. Boring.

Prime Minister David Cameron said everyone in Britain has to be able to speak English within three years – which probably means I’m getting deported in 2019. If he’s including the Scots, Welsh and residents of Newcastle and surrounding area in that statement then there could be quite a lot of us getting kicked out in 2019 come to think of it. Boring.

Many involved in the movie industry of a darker skin tone threatened to boycott The Oscars. Not a bad plan really. Having watched one ceremony way back in some dim and distant past time it was the most boring thing I’d ever seen on TV.

So, unless some major crisis occurs very quickly indeed it has to be said that January 2016 was very boring indeed. Nothing of any consequence that was new happened. What a boring month.

I wouldn’t mind months being boring if they didn’t whiz by like Usain Bolt. If everything doesn’t slow down a bit I’ll be bloody eighty by the time I wake up tomorrow.

Why does time fly when you’re having fun? More to the point, why does time start to fly ever more quickly when you are getting older and, therefore, nearer to ‘the end’?

I mean to say, if there was anything right in this world then surely time could slow down a bit. If nothing else it would give me time to remember what I was doing yesterday without referring to my diary – if I could find it.

Come on February. If you’re going to shoot by faster than the speed of sound at least be interesting for us oldies would you? At the speed time seems to be travelling we’ve only got another four weeks before we’re shuffling off. Go on February. Give us something to smile / cry / laugh / panic about before we fall off our zimmers will you?

We’re getting to old to waste time being bored.

About Post Author

Neil Bamforth

I am English first, British second and never ever European. I have supported Oldham Athletic FC for 50 years which has made me immune from depression. My taste buds have died due to too many red hot curries so I drink Kronenburg beer and milk - sometimes in the same glass. I have a wife, daughter, 9 cats and I like toast.

fourdinners14223647@aol.com