On The Street Where I Live
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Most of us live in a house on a street although some of us might live in a flat – or apartment, which of course, is still on a street. Some might I suppose, at a push, live in a caravan in one of those trailer park things you Americans have and, of course, some unfortunates live on a park bench but, generally speaking, the majority of people live on a street. Like the majority of people – and, living where I do it feels so good to part of a majority again – my wife and I live in a house on a street.
When you live on a street you have neighbours. Some neighbours may be good, some not too bad and, if you are unlucky, some can be absolutely dreadful. It’s very much ‘the luck of the draw’ really.
My neighbours fit pretty much every category from excellent to extraordinarily bad so, I suspect, our street is very much an ‘average’ street. Whether some of our neighbours qualify as ‘average’ in any way, shape or form is another matter.
I have no real data to go by so I thought you might be able to help me assess whether my neighbours qualify as ‘average’ on a more global scale than just our street.
Neighbour 1 ) Drives a baker’s van. He began doing that after his children were born and he felt a change of career was necessary so he swapped armed robbery for van driving. Although he now ‘earns’ far less money he is more likely to be able to see his children grow up he tells me.
Neighbour 2 ) Nice Hindu family. Their eldest son converted to Islam a couple of years ago and keeps shouting ‘Allahu Akbar!’ from his bedroom window. When their immediate neighbour complained at being woken at 5 a.m. on a Sunday morning to the shouts the eldest son threatened to arrange a fatwa against him. We have yet to ascertain precisely by who such a fatwa would be carried out.
Neighbour 3) Very nice but slightly dumb elderly lady with health problems. Adopted two dogs that she is too ill to walk so I occasionally do. When she does she has to use her mobility scooter. She ties the dog leads to the handle bars and sets off towards the park. Unfortunately the dogs set of in completely opposite directions to each other and neither towards the park. The result being that the elderly lady falls off her mobility scooter and I have to pick her up. She then makes second, third and fourth attempts until finally giving up – much to the relief of my back.
Neighbour 4 ) German Sikhs who speak no English unless they want something. When they fall behind with their rent they claim ignorance of English and a translator insists it is all a misunderstanding. When a parcel was delivered for them to my house it was “Excuse me have you got my parcel?” in perfect English. Apparently the father had a farm in Afghanistan before the trouble over there and has been shot 7 times – he showed me his scars. Given the noise level we occasionally suffer it’s rather a shame it wasn’t 8 times with the 8th being fatal.
Neighbour 5 ) Possibly doesn’t really count as she died three years ago. Unfortunately nobody knew so she remained in her armchair for two and a half years – possibly with incessant repeats of some soap or other on the TV. Apparently her dog ate bits of her before finding a way out of the house and vanishing. Several neighbours have expressed alarm that a flesh eating dog is on the loose. (My cats will soon sort his mess out if he comes by)
Neighbour 6 ) A recently arrived Nigerian family. The absolutely enormous mother frequently waddles up the street singing hymns at the top of her voice. Hymns can be all right if well sung I suppose but when the singer has a voice like a cat having its tail trodden on it is a little unnerving.
Neighbour 7 ) Nice English family whose son – now 24 – once set their shed on fire when he was 8 years old. A witness had seen him damage an unmarked police car which was parked opposite my house. His step father threatened to keep him in for two weeks as punishment and, in reply, he threatened to burn down the garden shed. The stepfather carried out his threat and the then 8 year old carried out his.
Incidentally, the unmarked police car contained officers allocated to protect a neighbour on jury duty. Their presence was nothing to do with me I thought I’d better explain.
Neighbour 8 ) A nice Irish family who own two houses and let rooms in one of them. Someone complained to the council about the number of people in the house. It turned out there were 30 people renting four bedrooms. The families defence that they were so poorly educated they couldn’t count did not go down particularly well with the council.
Neighbour 9 ) A lady known by my wife as ‘Eyelashes’ as she used to flutter them at me when we first moved in as I paved the driveway wearing little shorts. As my wife still doesn’t like her I’d better say no more.
Neighbour 10 ) A very nice black family whose youngest son has mental health issues. Lovely chap but he does forget his medication occasionally. On one glorious occasion he marched past my window stark naked carrying a large bread knife and a loaf of bread. He then proceeded to hack off chunks of bread and throw the chunks at startled passing pigeons. The police arrived armed to the teeth but, as they threatened to shoot him, his tiny mother broke through the police cordon, hit him on the head quite gently with her walking stick and said “Home! Now!”. “Yes mother” he meekly replied. The best bit was when she hit a cop with her walking stick to get to her son. Completely knocked him out!
Anyway. I think my street is pretty normal all things being considered. I’m certain you will agree?
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I can hardly tell one neighbor from another. I wish I lived in such a place — perhaps I’d write a book.
I’ve a lot of neighbors and no idea of their nationality.