Delusional Donald and the Successful Inauguration That Never Happened

Donald Trump seems to have a problem with reality. I mean, most republicans have a problem with reality in general, but the Donald has left the bubble in the dust and has drifted into the Twilight Zone. It’s a little scary.

He thinks he’s the smartest guy in the room despite the fact that he went bankrupt four times and has the vocabulary and temperament of a four-year old. He believes he knows better than every seasoned officer in our military despite never having served himself. He thinks he can have virtually any woman he wants based on his non-existent wit, charm, and celebrity and not because he has money and fame. Now he’s (God help us) the President of the United States. To make matters worse, he actually believes that he won the popular vote and has a mandate from the people to be President.

I don’t know about you, but when I woke up Friday morning, I kept the television turned off. The absolute last thing I wanted to see was that grinning tangerine douchebag place his hand on a bible and swear to protect and defend a constitution he has never read, will never understand, and more than likely wipe his ass with first chance he gets. Hell, I’m amazed the two bibles he used didn’t immediately burst into flames.

I am fully aware I should have watched the inauguration in order to be able to write about it- it IS my job, after all. But the sad truth is, Mike doesn’t pay me enough to sit through that kind of torture. Now don’t get me wrong, there are lots of things I’d do for Mike if he asked me. For instance, if he wanted me to go to Mexico and write a review for a donkey sex show, I probably would. I wouldn’t enjoy it, but I’d do it. If he asked me to read all the 50 Shades of Grey books and write a 100-page dissertation on them, I’d do that, too. I would even go so far as to interview Kim Kardashian while she got her butt waxed and followed it up with a deep, penetrating colon cleansing. With a smile on my face!

However, sitting there, watching a man I completely despise on every possible level get sworn in as the 45^th President of the United States? That’s just too much to ask of anyone. I was like, “Screw it- I’ll catch the highlights on the news! I’m not going to legitimize a nightmare by giving Mango Hitler ratings!” So as the day wore on, I finally gave in and decided to do the nasty.

I tuned into CNN and watched the replay. The commentators were almost giddy because they were reporting about the lack of crowds and enthusiasm at Trump’s coming out party. They said around 800,000 people showed up- around one million LESS than the amount of people who showed up for Obama’s inauguration back in 2009. I whooped and laughed my ass off, especially when they showed a moving camera shot of the parade route along the concourse back to the White House- no cheering crowds to be found ANYWHERE. Even the crickets were all, “Fuck it, I’m OUT!”

I was almost sorry I missed it. Almost.

Flash-forward to this morning, and there were record crowds not just around the country, but the ENTIRE world, marching in protest against the Cheeto-faced Shitgibbon. I had friends who marched. Now, you’d think Trump would have been mad as Hell about that. You’d think he would have had an EPIC shit-fit over his Twitter feed about it. Didn’t happen. Well, not yet, at any rate.

No, what Twittertwat had an epic shit-fit about was the fact that the news outlets had ACCURATELY reported how underwhelming his inauguration was. In a press conference held at the headquarters of the CIA in Langley, Virginia, Trump went on a rant, screaming that he saw a sea of people, estimating the crowd in the million and a half range, though the aerial photos taken say different. My first thought was, “So not only is Trump delusional, but he’s also got cataracts, too?”

If Trump wanted to whine for a few minutes on his own time, fine, I’ll grant him that. It was to be expected. He is a whiny little bitch, after all. But then he went so far as to have his press secretary, Sean Spicer, call a press conference and rail at the assembled reporters for what he called a ‘total misrepresentation of the facts.’ PLEASE. Like ANY member of Trump’s administration would know a fact if it bit them on the genitals.

I mean, of all the things a new President has to deal with, THIS is what Trump chooses to focus on? I’m surprised Spicer didn’t whip out his dick and pull out a ruler. The whole thing came off like a bully and his toadie screaming at all the kids who stood up to them, yelling, “You’ll pay for this!”

Listen, those of us with an IQ in the triple-digits knew Trump’s presidency would be a four-star shit-show. What we didn’t expect is for it to start right out of the gate. I mean, even George W. Bush didn’t tip his hand at how much of a fuck-up he really was at the beginning of his term. Trump is such a dipshit, he probably thinks all the protests going on today were women presenting their pussies to him for the grabbing, as if he were some medieval lord who got to bed the newly-married virgin on her wedding night.

I sort of have my doubts that he’ll acknowledge the protests, only for the simple reason that if he does, it will be an admission that no- he doesn’t have the people’s mandate. Over a million people basically said, “You are NOT our president!” That has got to hurt. I mean, it would hurt anyone who isn’t functionally retarded, anyway.

Here’s what it boils down to- the only way we are going to win the war against Trump and his propaganda machine is with the truth. Don’t get sucked into pointless debates with his army of peons- Stay informed, check your sources, post articles on Facebook and Twitter, and clog Trump’s Twitter feed with the truth and call him out on it. He wanted to give the people a direct line to him? Fine- let’s let him know how we REALLY feel.

RESIST.

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