Missouri Generously Raises Minimum Wage 5 cents

For all the whining liberals do about how evil and hateful we republicans are towards the poor, one would think we skewer and grill them. Then again, if they weren’t all dirty and diseased from lack of health care we probably would.

My good friends in the State of Missouri just threw a monkey wrench at the liberal naysayers though. It’s generously raising the state’s minimum wage a nickel. This means a full time minimum wage worker will be getting an extra $2 a week to help pay bills and save for a rainy day. And we all understand, or should if we have any sense, how to stretch a dollar.

Naturally this enormous raise will cause Missouri businesses great hardship. We republicans will help alleviate the unfairness of having to pay an extra nickel and hour by establishing a new right to scab law in Missouri so Union members won’t be required to support the unions that negotiate and enforce contracts that get them far better wages, job security and benefits than their nonunion counterparts. But if the unions go bust the union members that didn’t think they should support the unions that got them their better wages and benefits can take comfort that at least minimum wage is a nickel higher now so they too can enjoy the economic freedom and security of this wondrous pay increase.

Of course my good friend, incoming governor Eric Greitens, will be spearheading a tax cut to further reap fairness on the wealthy who suffer because they never get a nickel raise. Reforming workman’s comp is a priority also since providing a safe workplace costs money and seeing as how the mooches are getting this big 5 cent raise they ought to be able to buy their own safety equipment and be careful.

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I imagine a few of you are smirking at this. You are, after all, an MMA reading liberal that hates everything. A guy can’t even have a smoke anymore. But if one really does the math here he will realize just what a bigly raise this is. It’s not just $2 a week. Why after a year this is $104. After 50 years it’s $5,200. With people living longer it’s feasible the liability could run out to 100 years which would cost business $10,400. This of course is the number we’ll use to scare people the way we do by extending the Social Security payout numbers out 100 years without the rest of the numbers balancing everything out. But considering our base we don’t want to confuse them with more data and facts than they can process, and fortunately that isn’t very much which saves us money on advertising. Not that we have to pay for that anymore since Twitter is free and news outlets let Trump minions appear whenever they want.

The best thing about the ginormous minimum wage hike though is if it doesn’t work it can always be repealed. Unlike a tax cut or eliminated regulation which should never be repealed. I think Grover Norquist is working on that. And just as we’ve shown that cutting taxes leads to more tax revenue, or it will show that if we give Reaganomics another 50 years to prove itself out, cutting the wages of the moochers should also prove to having the effect of raising wages. And all the red state voters will believe this and vote republican and we will control not just legislatures but school boards as well. Then this stuff will really be true since we will be writing the textbooks. Well, dictating them to moochers making minimum wage anyways.

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