Relax-President Trump Is A Man of the Bible

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The only thing I think I’ve ever disagreed with my good friend, Vice President Pence on was his statement that he’s a Christian first. Then an American, Then a republican, The fact is, and all we good republicans know this, is that the three are one in the same. Equally important. Akin to the Holy Trinity. And this is why we republicans love President Trump. He lives by Biblical principles of faith, family and militaristic patriotism.

King Solomon was the wisest man in history. Her was also fabulously wealthy and had several wives. Just like President Trump.

Speaking of Israel, which Solomon was the king of, President Trump supports Israel as do all republicans. And although we may say hateful things towards Jews at times when doing business with the greedy bastards, like God, we support their nation. And let’s hope they remember that like God, President Trump may allow them to be conquered and suffer 400 years of bondage if they do something to irritate him.

Bibleness and patriotism are one in the same. That President Trump is a true patriot is without question. He has watched the movie “Patton” numerous times which qualifies republicans that never served in the military as having served in the military.

And don’t forget that just as Jesus rode into Jerusalem on a donkey, or triceratops if some of my creationist comrades claim, President Trump rides into places on an airplane.

Furthermore, the strength of Samson was and has been unmatched throughout history. His great strength came from his flowing blond hair. President Trump has flowing blond hair. He just keeps it neatly combed. Donald apparently does a better job choosing his women since none of his wives have cut his hair depriving him of his great strength like that skank Delilah did to Samson. That is further proof of President Trump’s Solomon like wisdom.

The Good Book tells us Jesus made the blind see, the lame walk. Millions of people saw the light and voted for President Trump. Trump also made the lame walk. The uppity protesters were all lame yet they walked around Washington DC in protest of our great President.

After all we republicans did to help and support President Obama we sincerely hope Democrats extend us the same respect and courtesy. It’s vital that bipartisanship be the order of the day and Democrats let republicans do whatever they want without obstruction like we did when President Obama was elected. Our first order of business is to repeal and forget, I mean “replace” Obamacare with something great. Like Christianity replaced all those inferior religions it replaced.

Getting good republican billionaires into President Trump’s Cabinet is the next priority. The Bible mentions many fabulously wealthy folks in addition to Solomon. Herod was wealthy and so what if he ordered the killing of a bunch of babies. At least they weren’t aborted.

I know I already mentioned that President Trump has watched “Patton” several times. But even more important is President Trump’s belief in the Biblical and Christian use of torture. And not just in the Bible either. Plenty of good Christian torturers throughout history. The Inquisition, or as we republicans call it, the good old days, was a great period for cruelty to heathens and the insincere. And the reason was for the most part it was because the torturers didn’t like what the torturees said or thought. Damn agitators and troublemakers need to just shut the hell up. President Trump understands this and using free speech wisely, only saying what we republicans want to hear, is wise and will make America great again.

A new era of greatness for America has arrived. Lets hope the free press reports on this accurately. If they don’t President Trump knows how to deal with them also

About Post Author

Joe Hagstrom

Reformed Liberal now dedicated to saving world from Obamacare and Godless Atheists. Using MadMike's America to audition for high paying job with Fox News.
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7 years ago

[…]   From Joe Hagstrom at MadMikesAmerica: […]

Bill Formby
7 years ago

Hey, it took him a couple of weeks to find the damned thing. Give him a break. 🙂 🙂

7 years ago

He no more believes in that silly bible than me.

P.L. Everts
7 years ago

So when are the public stonings for Drumpf’s mistresses?

Joe Hagstrom
Reply to  P.L. Everts
7 years ago

They won’t even bother coming out. No justice was ever received for the women he abused and harassed.

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