What Do I Have To Do To Get Idiot Republicans To Notice Me?

by Joe Hagstrom

I spent damn near all last year making the case for Donald Trump to win the Presidency. And it was close to the time I really went all in for this kook that his poll numbers went up. I really worked hard dumbing everything down so Trump loving bigots, religious zealots and just plain uninformed, intellectually lazy shitheads could read my pro Trump nonsense and give it the laud it deserved.

I embraced tax cuts that actually raised revenue even though they didn’t. I embraced a no hold barred, ultra pro life position that saved women’s lives and protected them from abuse and degradation even though it didn’t. I embraced a guns for anybody that wants as many as they want since it’s been proven that the more guns we’re allowed to have the less crime there is even though it isn’t.
I decried the moochers on welfare and Social Security and embraced the fact filled meme of deadbeats on government assistance driving new Cadillacs to the convenience store to stock up on Slim Jims and lottery tickets. Hell, I made the case for caning criminals on the fact that a good dose of corporal punishment would deter even the most hardened of criminals although I still like the idea of caning miscreants for if nothing else it would be funny hearing a thug rapper rap about getting his ass caned.

In addition, I stated the case against women’s rights better than any legitimate misogynist. But did I get enjoy a good pillorying from the left other than my trampy friend Jess who posts here now and then? Was I a right-wing hero like all these nutbag republican judges that tell women to enjoy a good raping cause that’s what they really wanted anyway because they’re blouse was tight or skirt was too short?

Hell no! It’s a load of crap. I was a damn good republican all year. No lie or hypocrisy was beyond me. I even made the case that instead of shooting Harambe the Gorilla they should’ve shot the kid cause there’s millions of little kids running around but only about 400 gorillas. A sound argument that we republicans are environmentalists while liberals just want dead gorillas.

I made the Trump case for all kinds of crazy nonsense. Yet here I am still waiting for success and a job at Fox News or Breitbart that pays a helluva lot better than MadMike. But here I am despite being a far better writer, far wittier and inciteful than any fellow republican I can think of. And a weirdo like Milo YoukoOno has a cushy job at Breitbart and the only reason he doesn’t is he seemed to be okay with pedophilia. Plus the weirdo is Gay as all hell and I’ve made great cases against Gay people. Maybe Trump could get funding for a big closet to put them in in addition to his great wall to keep out Mexicans. There’s a great joke about innies and outies here but I’m just too damn upset to type it.

Pedophilia, by the way, is where I draw the line with my republicanism. It used to be “golden showers” till apparently they became okay with President Trump and other republicans didn’t mind as we generally feel that pissing on the poor and minorities and anyone else that causes us displeasure is good..

So I ask the editors at Breitbart to once again look at my body of work and see that I can be just as right wing insane as anyone. I believe there is only one God and He is a supply sider and Ronald Reagan was His messenger. Most of all I know where to draw the line with offensive. Just like deficits don’t matter, unless a Democrat happens to be President, lies and perversions don’t matter as long as they don’t involve sex with children and Kellye Ann Conway can deftly deflect questions about them.

My patience is wearing thin with republicans. There’s no reason I shouldn’t have been embraced by them and sent money and a book deal. I guess I can always lie about my education or do some plagiarizing. Those folks seem to go far in the republican party.

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