Kellyanne Conway: “That Secret Kenyan Communist Darkie Is Behind Everyone Disrespecting The President!”

by James Schlarmann

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senior White House adviser Kellyanne Conway thinks people are showing disrespect to her boss, and she’s pretty sure the guy her boss disrespected for eight years is to blame. After a Sunday morning appearance on Fox News in which she complained about the lack of respect some have in this country for Co-President Donald J. Trump, Conway doubled-down on her remarks and also accused former-President Barack Obama of being behind it all.

“Oh, I think there’s no doubt that secret Kenyan, Communist darkie is behind everyone disrespecting the president,” Conway told a right-wing podcast after her Fox News appearance, “and it’s just really sad that he’d do this. What kind of person does it take to make false accusations about a man to try and de-legitimize his presidency? It really makes me wish we could have found his real birth certificate, I tell you what.”

Conway was appearing on the “All The Right Biases” podcast hosted by four white guys who are trained to spout right-wing talking points at the slightest provocation. One of them is 12 and thinks he’s a writer because he’s self-published on Amazon and writes for former Congressman and current conspiracy theory peddler Allen B. West. Another is a college student in his early 30’s trying to pass himself off as a smart guy by suing words like “intelligentsia” as if that matters more than the actual thoughts he’s speaking being even remotely considered “intelligent.”

“I think what Obama is doing,” Conway said, “clearly shows that what the current co-president was suspicious of for all those years is totally true. Obama was born in Kenya, and was trained in the Alinksy ways by George Soros and Satan himself to bring America down from within. If Mr. Trump hadn’t been doggedly pursuing him, who knows if Obama would have been able to rub In God We Trust off the money, or put us all in FEMA camps to be forced into gay abortions!”

The hosts then took a call from a viewer of the podcast.

“I just wanted to ask Kellyanne if they’ve found evidence of Obama’s homosexuality yet,” the caller asked, “or if they’ve found the tape of MOO-SHELL’s sex change surgery? We all know that happened, because it was all over our real, not FAKE NEWS! But I want to know if they’ve unearthed that evidence yet. I’ll take your answer offline, I gotta go take down all those Obama effigies I put up over the last eight years. It’s like Christmas lights, if you’re not diligent and take them down right away, you could end up with them up all year ’round.”

Conway told the caller the Bannon administration was “deeply committed” to “finally finding all the evidence” needed to prove “every single, solitary genuine conspiracy we’ve all known the lamestream press was hiding for Maobama, their Dear Leader.” Another caller asked Conway if they’d gotten the evidence together to prove Trump’s claim that Obama had Trump Tower’s phones tapped during last year’s election.

“Evidence,” Conway said incredulously, “we don’t need evidence. We knew for eight years that Obama was a lazy, un-American outsider with non-traditional values that golfed too much and didn’t spend nearly enough time actually doing his job. That’s all the proof we need; our thoughts combined with our hurt feelings and utter, galling hypocrisy. I mean, we all knew for a fact that he wasn’t American…just, like, look at him. Now, if you’ll excuse me gentlemen, I need to get down to Mar-A-Lago. If I’m not there when my boss tees off, he gets really teed off at me, and his pussy hand stats-a-grabbin’.”

Many thanks to The Political Garbage Chute