Chairman Of The Board
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That thing called ‘political correctness’, it seems to me, has spread like a bloody virus. You can’t say this and you can’t say that and you mustn’t say anything that offends anybody and you mustn’t do anything that upsets anybody and you can’t say somebody is fat when they clearly are fat as it might upset and offend them. Doesn’t it make you want to scream?
Incidentally I used the ‘fat’ thing because I am indeed fat. Not ‘fat’ in the sense that I can’t see my feet like some fat people but ‘fat’ in the sense that I could do with losing a few pounds. Therefore, albeit I am not ‘fat’, in the sense that I am grossly obese purely due to eating too much and being too lazy to do anything about it other than whinge that, as I am so fat I can’t actually move so I deserve lots of money from the state (ie taxpayers) to live on as I can’t earn it because I am a fat lazy bastard, I can’t be accused of ‘fatism’ because I am one of them.
Well, not entirely ‘one of them’ as I can move without any artificial aid and can, generally, get up again unaided if I fall over.
Anyway. This contribution has nothing what so ever to do with fat people who are fat because they are basically bone idle and greedy. Therefore, if you are fat due to being bone idle and greedy, firstly, don’t blame me and, secondly, this article isn’t about you. It is about a chair.
The chair in question does, to me, say it all about ‘political correctness’. It may not say it to you but it says it to me so, as it’s my article, suck it up.
Some time ago, before I became a driving instructor – putting death on the roads as I tend to describe it (and if that upsets you then you should meet my driving students and you would soon comprehend) – I was a Union Rep at Heathrow Airport.
I was damn good at it to. I know that to be true as many many managers hated me. This is always a good sign that you are doing it right when managers hate you. Trust me I’m from Oldham.
Anyway. There was this group formed called ‘The Heathrow Liaison Committee’ which was, basically, lots of Union Reps from around Heathrow Airport gathering together once a month to discuss and share information and ideas to further their abilities as Union Reps.
The Heathrow Liaison Committee consisted of about a hundred Union Reps so, quite sensibly, it was decided there needed to be someone to ‘facilitate’ the meetings and, I suppose, to keep some kind of order.
A lady called Janet from Air Canada was duly elected to do exactly that.
I have no idea what happened at most of the meetings mainly because, to me, it was an excuse to not do any work whilst getting paid as all the companies at Heathrow agreed to let Union Reps attend. Therefore I could attend and, therefore, not work. As a result I generally drowsed my way through the meetings until they ended and I could go for a few beers.
On one occasion alone I inadvertently heard something and for some reason lost in the mists of time decided to ask a question.
I raised my hand.
“Yes Neil?” said Janet
“Madam Chairwoman” I began
Immediately the secretary of the Heathrow Liaison Committee stopped me and stated “Neil, you must refer to Janet as ‘Chair'”
“Why?” I asked
“That is the appropriate term” replied the secretary sagely.
“Has she got four wooden legs?” I asked.
He stared at me like a frightened rabbit – as did Janet.
“Now look,” I continued, “Chairs, in my experience, have four wooden legs. Admittedly there are chairs that have three such as milking stools for example but, of course, a stool is not really a chair. Armchairs often have four small stumpy wooden feet rather than legs but, never the less they have four wooden legs albeit stumpy”.
“To the best of my knowledge Janet has two legs, neither of them wooden. If Janet has the misfortune to have two prosthetic legs then I apologise if this is upsetting for her but I suspect, if this is the case, that both prosthetic legs are not made of wood as we are in the 21st Century”.
“In any event, two prosthetic legs are not the same as four wooden ones therefore Janet cannot be a chair on that basis alone. I would also like to point out that Janet is a living breathing human being of the female gender. A chair, on the other hand, is an item of furniture on which people sit. It is neither living, human or, as far as I am aware, of any particular gender”.
“Given that I can conclusively prove that Janet is not a chair in any sense of the word whilst equally conclusively knowing that Janet is a woman rather than a man then surely ‘chairwoman’ is both accurate, respectful of gender and appropriate”.
Almost without exception the other Union Reps applauded along with laughing.
“Also” I pointed out, “we sit on chairs. I doubt Janet would appreciate me sitting on her face even if I would quite enjoy it”.
I was duly suspended from the Heathrow Liaison Committee for three months.
On the negative side it meant I couldn’t avoid work whilst being paid for it but, on the positive side, I struck a blow for sanity so it was worth it.
I was told both Janet and the secretary received counselling and, on discovering I was returning to the Heathrow Liaison Committee after my suspension, resigned their positions and when last heard of had fled to some unknown island in the Pacific.
I have absolutely no idea why I have this odd effect on people.
Political correctness eh? Odd. As are the politically correct people amongst us. No sense of humour for a start 😉
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Ah, yes, the old chestnut: you should be able to say whatever you want, but nobody should be able to say to you what they think about it, because that’s “political correctness”. It must be stopped. Only you should be allowed to say what you think. Not the people you disagree with – that’s oppressing you. It’s “tyranny with a happy face” that you should have to hear what they think after they had to hear what you think.
I’m more than happy for anyone to say anything Vedo – unless it incites hatred.
I just can’t abide them trying to stop me saying anything – as long as I’m not inciting hatred.
See? Simples 🙂
Has everyone failed to notice that in addition to wooden legs, (I’ve seen chairs with three) a Chair, like the proverbial Duchess, has a big wide bottom?
I should think the lady in question would object mightily to the title. (chair, not Duchess)
🙂 🙂 🙂 love it !!!!
No fan of political correctness here, so Neil and I are on the same page, well almost, on that issue 🙂
What Bill said.
You’re getting lazy. ????
I’ve got a lot of personal shit going on right now with my husband and am not spending time online as much as I used to temporarily. It saves me on thinking about things, if I see someone agreeing with my thoughts, so I just ditto them 🙂 When I feel up to it, I’ll let Mike know what’s going on and he can let those of you I trust know what’s going on, that keeps me from being online as often.
Loadsa hugs n stuff xxx
If my tongue wasn’t so far in my cheek I could reply ????
I understand buddy. As I said, I really enjoy reading your posts/articles
????????
I have to agree with Bill.
Neil, I really appreciate your writing. You almost always post yourself as both a provocateur and a disparaged lout. The last part of that is really what makes you most readable, likable and satirical. This was a good example. I am not sure if you were trying to do away with political correctness or prove that at times you go out of your way to make a mountain out of a molehill, although, as always it was an enjoyable read.
That said, I believe that of the complaints you air out, this one reaching a bit. In my case much of my political correctness has more to do with politeness branded upon me by my mother who, though a wife, mother, and homemaker, continually reminded me that rudeness was unnecessary and uncalled for in most all cases. I guess in this point I am speaking in general to people who go overboard over having to use polite references to others. It’s a and Old Southern thing that I have had for a while. However, what I fail to see is why people find it so difficult to use current terminology when discussing someone or addressing them. It takes no more energy to use an appropriate term for someone although a bit more energy to also apologize for not being aware of the current trend must be added.
This was an event of some time ago apparently so it seems to digress from the current state of affairs. This is just one of those things that has come with our new president and his vulgarity toward others. He has taken rudeness and misogyny to an entirely new level. I think that the more I listen to him the more I appreciate my mother’s teaching. Ye, though I refer to him as an idiot, orange headed buffoon, stupid and ignorant along with other names that I think befits him, I try to not get caught up in his unapologetic rudeness. I believe his crassness is uncalled for and generally out of place. Yet, I have no problem with utilizing appropriate titles to people within the current trend of politeness. I think it has to do with the fact that some, which is the case here, take offense at being asked to is something that is, somewhat arcane to be sure, is completely and unnecessarily blown out of proportion.