How Britain Has Developed A Fish Problem

Scottish fishing boats moored in Stornoway Harbour on the Isle of Lewis in the Outer Hebrides

by Neil Bamforth

You are quite possibly wondering if I have become obsessed with fish or, even more oddly, developed some kind of fish fetish given the number of times fish have popped up in my articles of late. I can assure you I find fish neither physically nor, more importantly, sexually attractive. I thought I’d better put those thoughts out of your mind straight away.

The United Kingdom voted to leave the European Union. The end result might be ‘oops’ or it might be ‘yeah,’ but that remains to be seen.

Apart from the EU demanding 20 billion pounds revised to 50 billion pounds – by the time this is published it may be 100 billion who knows? – for Britain to divorce them the biggest fly in the ointment at the moment appears to be fish.

Flies? Fish? There’s a pun there somewhere but I’m buggered if I can reel it in. (Ouch)

Where was I? Oh yes. Fish. Again.

The British Government want to put much of European law into British law thereby making it British rather than European. Only the name will change in a sense.

They have a ‘bill’ to put to the House Of Commons regarding this but the Scots and the Welsh are not happy.

Both the Scots and the Welsh want their own fishing water now they won’t be EU fishing waters. As they have devolved governments of their own they don’t want UK fishing waters they want their own.

They want this so badly they are threatening to derail the ‘bill’ changing EU law into British law.

And you thought I was obsessed with fish?

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The British people voted to leave the European Union. This is the most momentous decision the British people have taken since, well, since anything I can remember ever really and we’re about to crash and burn before we’ve even started leaving the EU because of fish.

You couldn’t make it up could you?

The EU want a million billion pounds for a divorce – well it will probably be around that by the time this is published – and all our government and the Scottish and Welsh devolved governments can bother about is fish.

Noah’s Ark. Remember that? Well, not literally obviously or you’d be thousands of years old or, more likely, dead through drowning.

“And God said “Noah build an ark as I will send a flood to drown all evil. Two of each animal can be saved all others will drown.”

The concept of an evil giraffe is lost on me but I’m not religious. How about the fish though? The fish couldn’t drown in God’s flood could they, they’re bloody fish and they like water. The more the better.

I reckon it’s God’s fault. He drowned the evil giraffes but forgot the fish.

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Now we’re being ruled over by evil Haddock and they’re cocking up Brexit before it’s begun.

Look at that Scottish government leader. Her surname is Sturgeon! I rest my case.

The United Kingdom voted to leave the EU and the EU, by the time this appears, want nine billion zillion squillion pounds for the divorce but it matters not.

We’ve been done up like a kipper by a sturgeon.

I will now retire to my garden shed, emerge with a hammer and batter my pond fish to death. Revenge is a dish best served cold and that pond water feels cold enough.

Take that Michael!!! Take that Big Boy!!!!

By the way EU. Piss off eh? You’ll get bugger all if you don’t behave. Not even a fish supper.

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Posted by on July 16, 2017. Filed under COMMENTARY/OPINION. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry
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2 Responses to How Britain Has Developed A Fish Problem

  1. Michael John Scott Reply

    July 16, 2017 at 5:04 pm

    This is an interesting conundrum, and I expect there will be many more related to this whole BREXIT mess. Like our election of Trump, the UK is going to continue to find out that this vote was a BIG mistake.

    • Bill Formby Reply

      July 18, 2017 at 9:17 pm

      I agree Mike. I think that the Brexit was much like getting The Donald, i.e., it was more against something than getting something. People here are, and were, angry and dissatisfied with the status quo. Trump’s statement, “What do you have to lose?” is trotting home now and we are finding that what we had really was not THAT bad. And, sort of like the Trumper and Russia bad things will start to drip here and there until suddenly there will be a flash flood at some point, then comes the problem of putting everything back like it was. Oh, so much jolly fun.

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