When English Drives You Nuts
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Have you ever felt inclined to scream at the way some people use the English language? I’m not talking about regional accents here nor even regional ways of saying things. Londoners of a certain social position, for example, tend to pluralize words that should be singular as in “You’s two” as opposed to “You two.” I have no idea why they do this but, if push comes to shove, (whatever that means), I can live with it.
Push comes to shove?? What the hell DOES that mean?
See? I’m infected with gibberish too!
British comedian and permanent resident of Bolton in Lancashire, Peter Kay has touched on this strange phenomenon after working in a supermarket.
Customers paying for their purchases to the sum of, say, £4.23 pence ($5.52 cents apparently according to Google) would ask him “Would you like the 23 pence?”
“Yes” he would reply, “or it would only cost £4.00” – touche! (Actually it wasn’t £4.23 but I can’t remember the actual amount and couldn’t be bothered checking)
I know. They were only trying to be polite and give him the exact money instead of £5.00 meaning he would have to give them change but, when you think about it, it was worded incorrectly.
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“I can give you the exact amount” would have been fine. “Would you like the 23 pence” is not fine, it’s daft.
Perhaps I’m getting pedantic about English as a language in my old age but I am really reaching the point where I could actually scream at somebody – probably somebody not as big as me and considerably older in order to ensure my physical well being but I’ve had enough of English being abused so badly!
I heard someone say recently about their friend being upset, “She was beside herself”
She was what??? What the hell is she a clone??? How can you be beside yourself????
Even my wife is at it – well, when I say ‘at it’ I don’t mean she’s actually ‘at it’ as in being ‘at it’ with someone else – ARRRGHHH!
You see, we can’t stop it. Instead of saying what we mean in English we come out with absolute utter garbage and yet, everyone understands us. The English language even when spoken in gibberish is now understandable. Humanity are doomed!
My wife does not particularly like a neighbour. He is loud and bullying.
Now ‘loud and bullying’ can evoke a picture of this person yes? ‘Loud and bullying’ is a sensible description in the known English language. What does my wife say about him?
“All mouth and no trousers”
Excuse me? So he is a mouth without any other physical features? I get the ‘no trousers’ bit. After all if you were nothing but a large mouth then you would have no need of trousers.
All mouth and no trousers. Oh dear.
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Another female neighbour has been described by yet another neighbour as “All fur coat and no knickers”.
Right. We have a large mouth living near us without trousers and a woman who is a fur coat and doesn’t wear knickers. Well, why would she wear knickers if she didn’t have a body???
It’s just me isn’t it? You can tell me. I’m losing it – there I go again! ‘Losing it’??? What? My trousers? My fur coat? My mind?
Yes, probably the latter.
It’s just that the English language can be so beautiful and extraordinary yet here we all are mashing it up into a huge mass of absolute gibberish.
McDonalds – that absolutely awful American fast food place that used to have some bizarre evil looking clown prancing about is no longer referred to as McDonalds. The fact that McDonalds is it’s name is immaterial. It is referred to as Maccy D’s. I hate it! – well I hate McDonalds anyway but I hate all these dumb abbreviations even more.
Is it technology that has done this to the English language? Texting on mobile phones perhaps? How did this happen?
How did we all get infected with gibberish and, even more alarmingly, how can we all still understand each other when we are clearly talking absolute utter rubbish?
An exclamation of surprise that I admit to using from time to time –
“Well fuck me sideways!”
What am I saying? It’s a physical impossibility! Even a contortionist couldn’t achieve that – well, it would be a contortionist of a quite extraordinary kind if they could.
Incidentally. The title of this piece. “When English Drives You Nuts.” What does that actually mean? English is a language therefore it can’t drive. Nuts are funny hard things that I am allergic to. Doesn’t make sense.
I’ll tell you what does make sense thought.
I’ve stopped smoking and reduced my alcohol consumption.
Look what it’s done to my mind. I’m getting all hot and bothered about the English language and how it’s being used.
Right. 20 a day and extra beer. That’ll sort it.
Then I’ll be back to being barking as I get bladdered and light the coffin nails and won’t give a sweet F.A. for the English language again.
Sweet as.
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Ha Ha Ha! Fucking funny story man. Love your stuff.
Cheers Barry ????????
I visited the UK a few years ago, and couldn’t understand half the people I met in London. LOL. I love this by the way Neil. It was a fun read.
Thank you ????????
I no longer feel so alone ????
I remember writing a column or post sometime back about some things that bothered me. One of them was killing someone in cold blood, which is not possible. They were warm blooded until they were dead and then they began to cool down. Another was that reporters not knowing the difference between a robbery and a burglary or a theft. Referring to using the colloquialisms that are often found in the rural South I once had an employee rush into my office at a restaurant I ran to tell me to call the police that a man had run over his wife. A bit shocked I ask him where this happened. He said “In the living room”. So as I was dialing the number I had visions of a car somehow stuck half in the second story apartment of a federal housing project across the street from the restaurant. Of course, what he meant was that the man had raped his wife. So, go figure.
Let’s “take a listen.” drives me nuts. How the fuck do you “take a listen?” Tell me. What’s wrong with “let’s listen?”
My issue is “Newspeak.” (Sorry Mr. Orwell.) “There isn’t any there, there.” “Reboot.” “Going forward.”
There appears to be this phenomenon I call “getting the memo.” When “going forward” became the de facto lingua franca, I was at a teachers’ meeting. Everybody got up and spoke for their particular department, and every presentation was peppered with “going forward.” I found myself asking why I hadn’t gotten that memo. Are you just born knowing the Newspeak phrase of the week? When did we ALL start saying “there’s no there, there.” And what the fuck does that even MEAN?
The worst place in America, and, I think, its poorest state is Mississippi, followed closely by Alabama. I once had the misfortune of living in the former for about 6 months, and it was an awful place. I found it hard to even understand what half the people were saying half the time. A slow, lazy drawl, and an almost unbelievable illiteracy. This is the underbelly of America.
If you think it’s bad there you should come here. Different accents and word usage everywhere. Lot’s of dumb stuff as well, grounded basically in a lack of education and regional nonsense.