A Very British Study Of An American President

by Neil Bamforth

Now we all know what a fart is do we not? It is an expulsion of a noxious gas from the rectum. The fart itself lasts for only a second or two. It can be noisy, it can be silent but deadly or it can even be a ‘bloody hell I wish I hadn’t had that curry last night and worn my brown trousers.’ A fart comes in many forms. It also has a number of names.

One thing that it has always been safe to state regarding a fart is that it lasts for a fleeting second or two and it’s smell generally lingers for only a minute or so – unless you haven’t got a window open.

A particular favourite of mine, until I got married anyway, was the silent but deadly under the duvet. A quick dig in the ribs of the person asleep beside you followed by a quick waft of the quilt invariably resulted in a satisfactory response from the formally sleeping partner.

Suffice to say my relationships in my youth could sometimes be somewhat brief for some unfathomable reason.

Other descriptive terms for a fart are ‘botty burps’ and, of course, ‘trumps’.

As I have pointed out a few times, only America could elect a fart as President. Well, Britain couldn’t as we don’t have a President.

This is where my scientific study begins. It may result in a Nobel Prize and, in my view, a mention in The Guiness Book Of Records must be a certainty.

You see, even the most basic of deductions regarding farts show that their lifespan is short. A matter of minutes in preparation, seconds in expulsion and, if it’s a particularly fruity one, even up to three or four minutes with closed windows before it’s trail of nasal devastation vanishes.

America have surpassed the longevity of any previous fart known to humankind by the simple expedient of electing one who has clearly exceeded any previous timescale of any fart in the whole of human history.

You could almost refer to him as ‘Super Trump’ albeit only in reference to farting as, clearly, that is the only conceivable method by which he could ever be referred to in such a way.

As nobody else has noticed the obvious I claim the honour for myself – Nobel Committee please note.

Donald Trump is, I think, 70? 71? – something like that. Now that’s an extraordinary length of time for a fart to survive.

He must be protected for further research into fart longevity. Perhaps he could be stored in formaldehyde – preferably now. I see no reason why we need to wait for his death and, besides, if we wait until he is dead then the fart will officially be over and there will be no longer any point in studying it.

So, America.

Your nation is famous for being first to The Moon, making the difference in 2 World Wars, inventing the first Atomic Bomb, Killing Bin Laden, beating England when England were still mighty in footballing terms in 1950, Hollywood, Baseball, Basketball, Ice Hockey, Hamburgers and Hot Dogs.

And now you are famous for the most longevity in the history of humanity for a fart.

I, for one, am mightily impressed. Well done chaps and chapesses! Well done indeed.

Now, where did we put that formaldehyde?

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