Britain’s Devastating Floods Might Soon Be the New Normal

by Neil Bamforth

I want to delve a little deeper into this climate change thingy. Now before anyone starts on me, I am not for one second claiming that I speak on behalf of Britain. I do, however, listen to people around me along with callers into the LBC radio station. LBC stands for ‘Leading Britain’s Conversation’ and the callers are mainly ‘ordinary people’ and are extremely diverse in political views, race, creed, colour, sexual preference and etc.

I would suggest, as LBC now has around 2 million regular listeners – it’s as well they don’t all call in at once or the radio might blow up – that the opinions I hear on climate change amongst other things are reasonably representative of Britain.

As regards the views in Britain on climate change, the general consensus seems to be “Well, it’s Britain, it’s always rained here” or comments of a similar kind.

Clearly there are calls from people with more knowledge on such matters but the average person tends to be too busy paying the bills and keeping a roof over their heads, along with trying new and ingenious ways of fiddling their taxation so they can afford to continue living without resorting to a cardboard box under London Bridge.

As a result when one of the LBC hosts decides that their show will be primarily about climate change people call in and say “It’s far too hot / cold / wet / dry and it’s never been so hot / cold / wet / dry before therefore the climate is changing”.

And they are correct. Well, more or less and some of the time anyway.

There are, not entirely surprisingly, people in Britain, as there are anywhere on the planet, who deny that climate change is happening.

Quite why they are denying the bleeding obvious is difficult to explain other than the probability is that money is involved somewhere and their ability to make gazzilions of dollar pounds would be reduced if the necessary action to slow down climate change were ever put into place.

For us ‘ordinary folk’ in Britain however, climate change tends to mean the following.

When it rains it doesn’t rain like it used to all the time. Well, I don’t mean it rained all the time, I mean the rain we get isn’t what we used to get all the time it was raining.

Now we often get extraordinarily hard rain. Almost tropical in it’s intensity although not warm like tropical rain which is a shame really. If it was warm we wouldn’t mind getting wet quite so much.

The result of this tropical like strength of downpour is that our drains, often built in Victorian times, cannot cope with the deluge of water so lots of places that didn’t used to flood now flood and lots of places that occasionally flooded now require under water breathing apparatus in order to sit in your home and watch TV.

A vast shortage of housing for our terrifyingly swiftly multiplying population has resulted in lots of houses being built on what turned out to be flood plains.

Until a few years back I’d never heard the term ‘flood plain’ but I have heard it almost consistently on TV news over the last few years after we’ve had a bit of rain let alone a deluge.

A ‘flood plain’ is, apparently, an area of land that has been identified as a place – or plain if you like – that is likely to flood after rainfall due to it’s proximity to a river and the fact it is on a lower level than a river.

Heavy rain equals a river overflowing equals the flood plain flooding. Simples.

“Hey chaps! We need to build lots of houses for our increasing population! Let’s build them here on this nice flood plain!”

Really. I kid you not. Lots of new homes have been built on flood plains and then, when it rains and they flood, everyone says ‘Oops’.

Well not everyone. The people living in the now flooded homes tend to say things rather more powerful and emotive than ‘Oops’.

“Who are the bloody idiots who built our houses on a flood plain?” for one, although the more unfortunate might not get further than a drowning gurgle as they cling desperately and unsuccessfully to their damp Chihauhau in an attempt to stay afloat.

So. Flood plains flood due to the fact they are called flood plains but houses are built on flood plains and the companies make mega bucks selling the houses to people who don’t realise they are about to understand what happened to Atlantis on a whole new level.

See? Follow the money.

Climate change?

No way. The oil companies and heavy industries are making mega bucks for whoever it is owns them or has shares in them. Making mega bucks is good. Doing something that would stop making mega bucks is bad.

Pollution is exacerbating climate change? We must protect our mega bucks and sod the planet.

Governments, huge corporations and massively wealthy businessmen will never, under any circumstances, put the welfare of the planet ahead of their huge profits.

Follow the money.

Same everywhere, same in Britain.

So the Brits keep a stiff upper lip as they always have – a somewhat damp one of late but none the less stiff.

The climate continues to change and Britain becomes wetter and wetter and wetter. Not that Britain hasn’t always been quite a wet place.

So rain in Britain isn’t a problem. We’ve always had it in seemingly larger quantities than anyone else according to legend. It’s just the type of rain now. So often a heavy huge deluge rather than a gentle fall over several hours.

It was a meteor that ‘did for’ the dinosaurs. It’ll be living on a flood plain that ‘does for’ some Brits. Mind you, if these deluges get heavier and heavier, which is predicted by the knowledgeable on weather, all of Britain had better start living on a barge or something.

Either that or have a few snorkels knocking about for sitting in the lounge watching TV.

As the late (I think he’s dead, if he isn’t my apologies Norton) great Norton Juster wrote in his marvellous book, ‘The Phantom Tollbooth’, via his character ‘The Whether Man’ – “It’s more important to know whether there will be weather than what the weather will be”

That’s as long as you don’t live on a flood plain or on a planet with a changing climate of course.

Let’s all Singalonga rain now. It’s coming in ever greater bucket fulls and ‘the money’ won’t stop it so they still make money.

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Posted by on August 10, 2017. Filed under COMMENTARY/OPINION. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry
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6 Responses to Britain’s Devastating Floods Might Soon Be the New Normal

  1. Michael John Scott Reply

    August 10, 2017 at 11:00 am

    It’s going to get bad old bean! Be prepared.

    • Neil Bamforth Reply

      August 10, 2017 at 11:13 am

      S’ok. I’ve got welly boots 😝

  2. Bill Formby Reply

    August 10, 2017 at 1:26 pm

    Nicely done Neil. Before everything goes all to hell you really should visit New Orleans, Louisiana in the states. It is without a doubt the most fun floodplain there is on earth. It is actually lower than the Mississippi River than runs right by it.

    • Neil Bamforth Reply

      August 10, 2017 at 2:07 pm

      I am determined to visit the USA within the next 2 years. New Orleans has to be a must!!!

  3. Mark Willis Reply

    August 10, 2017 at 3:20 pm

    The US is also feeling the effects of the changing climate. Hell of a picture and fun article. You’ve a way with words.

    • Neil Bamforth Reply

      August 10, 2017 at 4:55 pm

      I think it’s more words have a way with me 😜….cheers mate 👍

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