The Lawyer and The Engineer: A Clockwork Beck, Thursday

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After four days of what amounts to self-inflicted torture, I could feel a gloominess pervading my spirit. At the grocery store, in the courthouse, at Pet Smart, at the gas station, all the people at those places, all around me–how many of them were shit for brains Beckerheads? How many of them carry on their daily lives with an air of normalcy, yet inside incubating and cultivating terrific fears that the government is in the hands of a baby-killing, Socialist Satanist? How many of them are just waiting for the day that their man-boy hero gives them the go ahead to start rioting and kill all the liberals and take back liberty and freedom?

That guy at the other pump, was he one of those nuts that went out and helped to empty the shelves of ammo at the gun shops after Obama was elected? The woman in front of me, checking out at the express lane, does she believe that Democrats in Congress really want to kill her grandma fucking dead, just for the hoo-ha of it?

It’s them or us, man, I told myself. They’re everywhere, man. They’re coming to get me, maaaaan. I abandoned my grocery cart and made a run for it, and didn’t stop running until I had made it home, and hid myself in the darkest closet in the house. I rocked back and forth, sucking my thumb, thinking evil thoughts, with a 1.75 liter jug of Dewar’s within reach.

Thursday: I don’t know how much more of his this lunacy I can take. Glenn has an audience! The bleachers are packed with white Beckerheads, that are unusually quiet as butter nuts drones on about government take over, and the end of the world as we know it. Glenn, in his typical fashion of running up to the edge of inciting a riot, warns the crowd that the bill about to be passed is not about health care and education. In his words, “it’s war.” Glenn say he thought and prayed about all of this shit last night, but then doesn’t really explain what he thought or prayed about. He shows film of rioting in Greece, fires blazing in the streets. Glenn smirks, and points out, we’re next. He is segueing from one non sequitur to the next so fast, I get vertigo and have to take a spirited swig from the bottle to make the room stop spinning. Glenn suggests that when this health care bill passes, we will be slaves to the government, just like what happened to the Soviet Union. I have no idea what in the fuck he is talking about. Paranoid assertions, followed by life-threatening extrapolations based on the underlying premise that progressives are really Stalinists who have nothing but hate in their hearts, are coming at me so fast I can’t keep track of his delusional brand of logic. Glenn shows a pretty picture of an apple tree drawn on a chalk board. He explains, it’s the tree of liberty. On one side is health care reform. On the other is ego, lies, and something else equally awful that the American public is being fed. He explains these trees used to have apples that had three seeds in them–faith, hope and charity! Progressives are poisoning the the tree of liberty at the roots. Ben Franklin would be ashamed. Fuck this!

I turned the television off and went back to the closet to drink in darkness where my wife found me three hours later passed out, muttering, something about apple trees, Greece, butter nuts and Bolsheviks. She called her mother.

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C.H. McDermott

C.H. McDermott is a jack-nut doing what he loves best, which changes with each passing moment.
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Barbara
14 years ago

You have to admit that Peckerhead is amusing! Do you think he will start crying when this bill gets passed through?

14 years ago

Stockholm Syndrome? Gee, this is serious? I thought it were parody? I’m not getting it, am i?
In any event…
I was highly entertained and schooled! Ta mr Lawyer!

Jessica
14 years ago

Poor guy, having to sit and watch the most elusive of all creatures, the Foxness monster and its baby brother Beckerhead (assholious extraordinarius). I would have moved up to IV drugs by this time, instead of just alcohol, so good for you being able to stay at low levels of drug. Hehe MM, my husband suffers from Stockholm Syndrome too he tells me 🙂 Can I also say, I am SO very pleased to see the term Beckerhead making an appearance more than once. You like me, you really like..wrong venue never mind 🙂

Admin
14 years ago

I am concerned for The Lawyer. History is replete with instances of Stockholm Syndrome. Most recently and most famously heiress Patti Hearst joined the Symbionese Liberation Army, and those who were once her captors became her mentors. Could this happen to our Lawyer? Could be become another white Beckerhead? We should be afraid…very afraid….

14 years ago

I don’t know much, in fact I know less and less everyday, but I do know this, Friday is the last time you ever have to watch him, unless he becomes president.

14 years ago

Fear not we’ve taken up a collection and are sending an ample supply of Prozac post haste.

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