Top ten new items to be added to the Texas School text books.

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1. Before the great flood, all of the animals were herded by ancient cowboys on Jesus Horses. Unfortunately, the Jesus Horses were too late to board the Ark, so that is why they became extinct.

2. The writings of one delusional person, who will only be known with the initials of T.J., will be excluded from studies about the signing of the Declaration of Independence even though he is the principal author. Also his influence on ideas about the separation of church and state will be deleted from study. The fact that he is on the $2 dollar bill is further proof of his subversive ways.

3. When Charles Darwin was on his death bed, not only did he recant all his beliefs about Evolution and Natural Selection, but when he died, a lighting bolt hit a tree near his window burning a shape closely resembling the Virgin Mary.

4. The words “Capitalist” and “Capitalism” will be removed from textbooks and replace with “Sunshine person” and “Sunny market”. Communism must have the mandatory prefix of “Evil” except when referring to the Soviet Union, which must use the prefix of “Truly Evil”.

5. Jefferson Davis, President of the Confederate states, will be elevated along side Abraham Lincoln with equal importance. When describing the great contributions that Jefferson Davis made, the words treason or prison sentence are never to be mentioned. Also the phrase “Forty Acres and a Mule” is to be re-interpreted as an ancient unit of weight measurement used for cotton.

6. When discussing the Alamo, students questions are to be answered in the teacher’s best “John Wayne” accent unless responding to questions about General Santa Anna, in which case the teacher must put on a pencil tip mustache, gold tooth, and huge sombrero before answering.

7. McCarthy and McCarthyism is to be shown in a positive light. Cleansing of evil communists from U.S. society and government was the proper thing to do in the 1950’s and was later confirmed by secret intercepted messages known as the Venona project. The fact that the existence of the Venona program was revealed to the Soviet Union by U.S. Army SIGINT analyst and cryptologist Bill Weisband in 1945, several years earlier, is not to be mentioned. Also the fact that on December 2, 1954, the Senate voted to censure Senator McCarthy by a vote of 67 to 22, making him one of the few senators ever to be disciplined in this fashion.

8. All pictures of Ronald Reagan are to be shown with a softly focused halo above his head and 5 circling cherubs rotating in a clockwise manner.

9. Phyllis Schafly, Anita Bryant, and the Heritage Foundation will be prominently mentioned for their efforts and significant influence on Ronald Reagan’s idea of creating the Star Wars Nuclear Missile and Homosexual Shield otherwise known as “Fruity Pebbles”.

10. Martin Luther King protests will be placed along side the Black Panthers and other radical militants when reviewing the history of the civil rights protests of the 1950’s and 1960’s. Ironically, Henry Kissinger will also be shown receiving the Nobel Peace prize.

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14 years ago

Nice. I just learned this morning that those devolved rednecks down in Texas also decided that their text book will not mention the Catholic priest Romero who fought for civil justice in El Salvador and was gunned down by a right wing death squad armed with automatic weapons supplied by the U.S. Government to help them fight communism.

14 years ago

Very good. Sadly, too darn close to the truth! LOL!

14 years ago

#5 would make the crackers here in Virginny happy – they’ve been trying to get a statue of Jeff Davis beside ol’ Abe’s statue for years.

Loved this post, Krell – very funny stuff – course, t’would be funnier if it weren’t mostly true… 🙂

Jessica
14 years ago

Holte, seeing as I am now the devils most able and favored assistant, hell will be a pretty damn cool place to be when I am done. Jus saying is all 🙂

Reply to  Jessica
14 years ago

JESSICA – As long as I have a few friends there I wouldn’t mind as much, the thought of being cooped up with all those Fundamentals is a little too much.

14 years ago

By just reading this post (good one) under Texas law I know I’m going to hell, which is a place I don’t want to go because it will be full of Republicans.

14 years ago

3(a) Sex education classes to be replaced with the Stork Theory

3(b) All geography classes which use globes of the Earth must add materials on Flat Science to “teach the controversy”

3(c) Guides for field trips to the Creation Museum where children will see a model of the actual dinosaur which Jesus rode around Texas when he was preaching the Gospel and writing the Constitution

7(a) Special study guide from the John Birch Society showing that there were more Communists in the government than even McCarthy imagined

Jessica
Reply to  Infidel753
14 years ago

With this whole “flat science” Infidel, will Flat Stanley be teaching this or will it be some sciency robotic thing?
Models, pshaw, at the creation museum, they damn well better spring for the real thing, or my yet to be born kids won’t go visit on breaks from school. I want Dino and Fred Flintstone doing the guided tours. I just cannot believe there are people robbing this planet of vital resources like oxygen and water that we need for everyone else. Stupid should be made painful, there would be less of it if there was.

Reply to  Infidel753
14 years ago

@Infidel753 That was great!..”Teach the controversy”..

14 years ago

Actually, I was a little worried about giving the Texas approval process some ideas with this list. But they probably don’t read much beyond their usual conservative tripe anyway.
(The Engineer…Krell)

Jessica
14 years ago

No Mike, you can still buy the Jesus Horses. The ads are on the back of magazines. Oh wait, that is those little sea horses, never mind. Their reality is lapping our satire daily, it is hard to keep up anymore isn’t it? It will be like 1984, you know the righties use this as an instruction manual. If nothing else, it will create jobs in the new department of language and “Newspeak”. Commander cuckoo bananas might be the person in charge since he mangled the language.

Admin
14 years ago

What a great read!!!! I laughed my ass off at these, but then I wondered if I should be crying. Then I wondered if they were true…They aren’t true are they 🙂 🙂

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