Atheists Declare National Prayer Day National Masturbation Day

According to Newsvine, in a response to the government sponsored National Prayer Day that is approaching on May 6, atheists who are concerned with the promotion of religious activities have decided that if they can’t stop a holiday, they’ll do what every other religion has done in the past, they’ll call it something else and have it around, or exactly on, the same day.

Atheist chapter leader in Massachusetts, Steven Naughtajoo, had this to say: “We’ve actually just finished a study with three groups of people. One group would pray for things, another group would masturbate while thinking of those things that the people were praying for, and the control group was just asked to think about those things for a little while. All tests showed that the same rate of achieving goals was reached with each method, so one can conclude that masturbating is just as effective as praying.”

Government officials are scrambling to come up with a way to make this look like terrorism. Presidential candidate on the losing side, John McCain, had this to say, “Have you seen the way I hold my arm? I pray every night that I look like a crazy stiff Frankenstein, and God answers my prayers every single night. I also liked being a POW. God has given me a great life where I get to turn all of my suffering around and promote the spreading of Christianity by lowering the number of people who hold other beliefs. If we don’t battle this effort, we’re going to have people jacking off on skyscrapers all over country, making 9/11 look like a cake walk.”

I don’t imagine that I’ll be publicly showing my support for atheists this day, but I do imagine that I, and a lot of non-atheists will be showing private support for National Masturbation Day, and to that we say, hallelujah!

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Professor Mike

Professor Mike is a left-leaning, dog loving, political junkie. He has written dozens of articles for Substack, Medium, Simily, and Tribel. Professor Mike has been published at Smerconish.com, among others. He is a strong proponent of the environment, and a passionate protector of animals. In addition he is a fierce anti-Trumper. Take a moment and share his work.

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