Dear Maddy and the Sleepy Spouse

Read Time:4 Minute, 57 Second

Dear Maddy,

I don’t know who to turn to and I saw your column on Mad Mike’s America and thought I would give you a try.

My husband I have been married for 15 years. Our sex life has been extraordinary until the last 6 months. He hasn’t been much interested in doing it and we went from 5 days a week to maybe once a month. I asked him about it and he said he is just really tired. Just yesterday he said he was having trouble sleeping and wanted his own bedroom. This really hurt me. I don’t know what to do. I love him very much.

Pam
Seattle, Washington

Dear Pam,

Fifteen years is a long time to enjoy an “extraordinary” sex life! It doesn’t make sense that he would be interested one day, but put off the next unless there was something wrong. I assume you haven’t changed perfumes and started wearing something that triggered an unhappy subconscious memory for him (if you smell like his Granny he won’t feel the desire- at least I hope not!)

You must be feeling terribly rejected and confused over your husband’s behavior. You don’t mention anything aside from his sudden lack of libido, and the separate bedroom. If he were out skirt chasing or having an affair, you’d notice lots of other signs. No doubt you’ve asked about this, and because you are writing to me, you must unsatisfied with his response.

While “I’m tired” might not be much in the way of an explanation, it might be all he can give. We women are used to discussing everything to death, and you may feel there is a different motive lurking behind his claims of exhaustion. You may be thinking, “Tired? That can’t be all! It must be me- maybe I’m less attractive to him.” You may want reassurances from him that it isn’t your fault, but would you believe it if he gave them? Since neither of us can read his mind, and only you can hope to get him to share what is on it, we must presume that he is indeed “tired”.

If he is truly exhausted after work, then you could try romancing him when you are both alone on a weekend, or in the morning after he has rested (exploit the “morning wood”- otherwise it only keeps him from rolling off the bed!)

Having kids underfoot or a stressful (even just a mentally upsetting) job can put a damper on the desire. Maybe “tired” is his euphemism for “I need some personal space.” Lots of demands from his job, and from kids at home might translate into you getting the brush off. Rest assured that if he is blowing you off to concentrate his energy on his kids and his job, it must be because he feels you will understand. If he seems drained all the time, then you and he need to address the underlying cause.

Is it possible that he may be taking a new medication for something? This is allergy season and antihistamines can muddy the consciousness for hours after they are taken, causing extreme lethargy. There are some antidepressants that adversely affect the libido, and more than one heart medication can interfere with the physical mechanics of erections. One failure can be enough to inhibit a man’s confidence and create performance anxiety that he might wish to avoid.

Many married couples resort to separate beds or even separate rooms because one partner snores too loudly, or is more restless than the other. This isn’t a sign of a failure, but of a compromise. Be supportive of his need to sleep alone, but treat it as an experiment that you hope will be temporary. He simply may be getting inadequate sleep at night, and sleep better by himself. Don’t take it personally if that is indeed his reasoning for trying a separate room.

If you wake a little before him, you could go and climb into bed with him to gently rouse him instead of the alarm clock. Once he catches up on a sleep deficit that may have been contributing to his exhaustion, then things could right themselves in a short while.

There can be little doubt that he has noticed the decrease in sex too, and must realize you are upset about it. It is important that until you know what is causing his malaise, you refrain from accusations, suspicion and recrimination. Being too emotional at this point might drive him away, or make him feel insecure or guarded about sharing his feelings.

Tell him you love him and are concerned about his health and level of exhaustion. Encourage him to see a doctor to rule out actual illness. (Even guys who won’t go to counseling will usually go to a general practitioner at least.)
Mononucleosis for instance (can be gotten without kissing!) can cause incredible fatigue and lassitude. Sleep apnea and snoring can cause him to wake dozens of times during the night and never get restful sleep. Maybe you just need a new mattress!

You said your previous sex life was “extraordinary”. You might meditate on what qualities about it made it so. Was it the frequency? The creativity? The urgency? There are many ways to be intimate that can give the same satisfaction. Snuggle on the couch while you watch a movie. Treat yourselves to a spa-therapy day and hire a massage therapist for both of you. If this is too expensive, then get a DVD on how to do a massage and give him one. Rent (or buy) a porno. (You might look at it first to be sure it is actually something worth watching. Remember most guys aren’t interested in the plot.)

Don’t give up on him, and don’t blame yourself! This may turn out to be a minor blip in an otherwise perfect marraige. Please keep me posted as to your progress.

Sincerely,

Maddy

About Post Author

Dear Maddy

I have several graduate degrees and currently have a practice on the East Coast. I love people and enjoy a good sense of humor. Life is never as bad as we make it out to be. It is often much worse.
Happy
Happy
0 %
Sad
Sad
0 %
Excited
Excited
0 %
Sleepy
Sleepy
0 %
Angry
Angry
0 %
Surprise
Surprise
0 %
0 0 votes
Article Rating
Subscribe
Notify of

13 Comments
Newest
Oldest Most Voted
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
13 years ago

Sounds like the old guy needs a medical check up. It could well be stress from work, high blood pressure, diabetes, contributing to his lack of energy and also to his performance anxiety, aka ED. The other thing could easily be just a drop off in his testosterone count A little andro gel will fix that.

Reply to  Lazersedge
13 years ago

You’ve always raved about that androgel. Must be something to it 🙂

13 years ago

Seriously, something IS wrong with the Japanese. Their porn is messed up. I blame us bombing the crap out of them in the 40’s. Come to think of it, German porn is pretty disgusting too.

India and France have it right though.

13 years ago

As long as it isn’t Japanese Porno, that stuff is just too strange, even for a jaded pervert such as I.

Reply to  Krell
13 years ago

What? You mean you don’t like GookSweet?

Reply to  Professor Mike
13 years ago

Ohhh, thanks Mike. I resisted the urge to Google what “GookSweet” means for about 4 hours now. I AM going to make it the entire weekend.

But it is like one of those radio jingles you can’t get out of your head no matter how you try. So here’s one right back at ya….

Reply to  Krell
13 years ago

Dang! I love Midnight at the Oasis and you are right I won’t be able to get it out of my head. Let me know what you find out about “GookSweet.” 🙂

13 years ago

Actually the porno idea is a good one and I disagree about guys not liking or caring about the plot, I do, as long as the storyline is realistic. For example: Three or four very hot young women, falling head over heels for curmudgeonly old geezer.

13 years ago

I would suggest a 2 week vacation, couple only. Go to one of those tropical getaway type places and shag like minxes…oh and try to talk to each other as well….did I mention the shagging part?

Reply to  Krell
13 years ago

An all inclusive resort on the Mayan Riviera. Eat, drink, screw and sleep. Oh yeah, and go check out the beach from time-to-time. I need a vacation.

13 years ago

Plot? Porno? Huh?

13 years ago

My vote is that it is the kids to blame. I’m just saying.

Admin
13 years ago

What a good response. The medication thing was quite interesting. I know about 20 years ago the medicos put me on a different BP medication and I lost all desire in everything and all I wanted to do was sleep. After a couple of months they took me off it and life returned to normal. Today I have no desire for anything and I want to sleep all the time 🙂 Anyway, another great job Maddy!!

Previous post Steve Martin on The Tonight Show as The Great Flydini (Video)
Next post Dennis Hopper Dies at 74
13
0
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x
()
x