Four Dinners Strikes Back-Death Would Not Become Him

Just to show you Americans that, whilst you have considerably more gun related violence….Britain is far from immune…..

On February 6th, 2004 I was introduced to guns.

At precisely 8 minutes past 11 p.m. my introduction to guns was almost terminal.

A robber decided that, as a mouthy union rep. unwisely trying to stick up for his union members vocally, the wise decision was to shut me up.

He pushed me against the office wall, placed the gun at my temple and pulled the trigger…the last bit was something of a surprise if I’m honest….you don’t, generally speaking, get shot in England.

His gun jammed, another work colleague ran away and I was saved to cause mayhem again in my world.

This is the story of that night….

“Hands up!” shouted a bizarrely faceless man. It later transpired that the robbers were wearing ‘flesh coloured’ masks.

All bar my old Co-ordinator, Bill, complied. We realised immediately that this was not a joke. Bill didn’t.

After maybe twenty years at Heathrow he didn’t believe that this could happen, so, he sat in his office chair laughing.

I presume he was laughing as he thought it was some weird joke.

The first robber into the office hit him on the head with his gun butt.

At that point Bill realised that, whatever the hell was happening it wasn’t a joke.

The robber hit him again.

“Oi!” said the Cargo Agent – who was also the Union Rep – “leave it out you arsehole! We’re co-operating!”

A somewhat rotund but not overly tall robber in a flesh coloured mask then proceeded to slam said union rep into the office wall.

“You’re a mouthy bastard” he said, “and mouthy bastards won’t see the end of this.”

He then placed his gun on the temple of this mouthy union rep and, at precisely 8 minutes past 11 p.m. on February 6th 2004 said mouthy union rep’s life ended.

Except it didn’t.

“Oh shit!” said small rotund robber.

The gun had jammed. All the mouthy union rep had was a small bruise on his temple.

“Fuck this!” shouted the warehouse Co-ordinator as he immediately ran towards the warehouse door.

The rotund, and quite small robber ran off after him. At some point in the chase he ‘cleared’ his gun and opened fire.

Several shots later the warehouse Co-ordinater stopped and put up his hands.

The robber went towards him and, much to his surprise, was attacked by him. (Dave…you really are as mad as we thought aren’t you? Yorkshiremen eh? Mad as hatters)

They wrestled for a few moments.

The warehouse Co-ordinator shouted to the several lorry (truck) drivers waiting to deliver their cargo to help him.

Without exception, every lorry driver vanished beneath their steering columns thus proving that lorry drivers are not as crazy as they pretend to be.

The Warehouse Co-ordinator was finally bound – and, as he is a Yorkshireman, fortunately for both robbers and victims, gagged.

The expected ‘haul’ was £25 million ($35 million dollars?…ish). Sadly for the robbers, Brinks, the security company tasked with taking the money to an aircraft, had arrived earlier than usual.

As a result, instead of £25 million, all that remained in the vault was a little under £2 million…oops.

This, understandably, upset the robbers who then proceeded to physically abuse their hostages – this, fortunately, did not entail the mouthy union rep being shot properly and permanently.

Various broken ribs and head injuries ensued. Nothing fatal though.

Finally the robbers had their £2 million.

The entire ‘operation’ had, at this point, taken over 10 minutes. Actually, probably nearer to 20 minutes as the robbers ‘vault keys’ hadn’t opened it as easily as they had expected. Said ‘mouthy’ union rep was starting to think ‘Hang on a minute…professionals would have been in and out inside ten minutes….this means we’ve a bunch of amateurs who’ve got guns, machine guns and CS gas…this is not good’

“Who’s got a mobile phone?” asked a robber.

“I have.” said a total dickhead hostage.

The robbers then asked for a taxi number and someone actually gave them one!!

“How do I shoot this?” asked, totally bizarrely, the robber with a machine gun.

A Cargo Agent actually started to explain about ‘safety catches’ and such like until the mouthy union rep, who was, fortunately, lying on top of him, inadvertantly stood on his balls. (How surreal can this get?)

They rang for a couple of taxis and we stayed on the office floor – which was undoubtedly a wise course of action.

Eventually they left. No taxi turned up. They finally took the ignition keys from a courier driver who had the misfortune to be in the cargo shed and was lying on the floor with us and pinched his courier van.

Even more bizarrely, one robber decided to not get in the courier van and was, seriously, walking away from the cargo shed as the police arrived. They, apparently, didn’t see him. Oh! The Great British Police!!! What would we do without you??

“Don’t move for 15 minutes!” shouted a robber as they left.

A very polite Sri Lankan chap rang Heathrow Police. This was achievable as the mouthy union rep had kept his thumbs apart as the plastic ‘ties’ that were used were useless with thumbs apart so he could, therefore, free himself almost instantly as the robbers left.

Four telephone calls later, said mouthy union rep grabbed the phone off said polite Sri Lankan.

“Where the fuck are you?” asked mouthy union rep.

“Er…we can’t find your cargo shed.” said complete moron of a policeman. Moron being a particularly polite description.

“Where the fuck are you coming from? Glasgow?” asked mouthy union rep.

Eventually, the police arrived. By this time we had the ‘Import’ door open and were stood about smoking three cigarettes at once each – and that included those who didn’t smoke.

The armed police ran across and said (I kid you not) “Where are the robbers?”

“Oh” said mouthy union rep, “they’re over the other side of the warehouse…they’re just letting us have a smoke break”

As the police started to run across to the other side of the warehouse, their leader suddenly stopped.

“Are you taking the piss?” he asked

“No” said the mouthy union rep honestly, “you are well beyond having the piss taken”

Bizarrely, every single armed police officer that night was, by their accents, clearly from Liverpool.

Now I’m sorry. Giving Scousers guns is akin to letting George Bush Junior be the President again.

You just don’t do it.

Various managers appeared and we were all led up to the upstairs offices awaiting the arrival of ‘Sweeney’….Sweeney Todd – Flying Squad. Don’t ask me…it’s a Southern thing as in ‘we’re all Cockneys together’. No we aren’t you absolute pillocks.

The union members were, understandably, rather upset so, in an attempt to take their minds off the evenings happenings, the mouthy union rep arranged a game of ‘Penny Up The Arse’.

Now. ‘Penny Up The Arse’ is not quite what you may think. To begin with you don’t use a penny. You use a pound coin. Penny’s are far too thin to be held by the cheeks of the bottom area…

Basically, you place a pint glass or some acceptable receptacle a few feet from the starting point. Then, the participants, one by one, place said pound coin between the cheeks of their bottoms, waddle by any means necessary (the penguin walk is often successful) towards the recepticle and, drop the pound coin into it.

If they succeed they qualify for the next round. If not they’re out. The final winner is, simply, the last successful participant.

This ‘game’ was invented by The Old Pretenders Football Club who, the mouthy union rep, played for at that time.

The ‘Flying Squad’ arrived through the door as my good friend Gary Danzey was in ‘mid flow’ towards the receptical.

The Flying Squad looked slightly alarmed.

“Would you care to test your buttock strength officer?” asked Gary of the senior officer.

The mouthy union rep happened to be the first person interviewed by The Flying Squad. He said very little other than “I have no idea”

As the rest of the ‘victims’ were interviewed the mouthy union rep sneaked away, went home, switched off his mobile (cell) and unplugged his landline and went to sleep.

At 9 a.m. the mouthy union rep’s wifey said “The Flying Squad have left lots of messages on our phone….did you unplug it?….you have to go back!”

At mid-day the mouthy rep’s wifey said “The Flying Squad are getting annoyed…you’d better go back.”

Mouthy union rep strode into the office at about 1pm, fully refreshed. The Union members had been at work since 7pm therefore awake since at least 5pm the following day. It was now, for them, almost 24 hours without sleep. Idiots. They should have watched me!

“Where have you been?” asked some police officer.

“Asleep” answered the mouthy union rep honestly.

“You had no right to leave the crime scene without permission!” exclaimed the police officer.

“Oh fuck off!” responded the mouthy union rep, “besides, I don’t want to know”

He didn’t either.

Perhaps interestingly, the original head of the police investigation took early retirement. The …er…. rumour?…that he was about to be investigated himself for corruption never materialised into anything …well..there you go….always trust a copper eh?

The only ‘victim’ to never get called to trial was the mouthy union rep.

“I’ll be a hostile witness” he said.

The only ‘victim’ to never suffer anything other than ‘initial threats’ was the mouthy union rep. As soon as the…er…criminals…realised he meant it when he told the police to ‘go stick their heads up their arse’ he was left alone….as was his family.

After three abortive trials most of the robbers walked away. The money has never been recovered. The abortive trials cost several millions (against £2 million stolen).

Four of the 9 robbers have finally been ‘sent down’ – including the one who bought me a pint a few weeks earlier and then tried to kill me.

It is the first time in over 300 years that a jury haven’t been used to decide guilt.

The four remaining robbers on trial would have, never in a million years, ‘gone down’ with a jury.

The bloke who tried to kill me is a career criminal.

He knows things about coppers from when they were starting out.

He can put senior police ‘in the frame’ for corruption when they weren’t senior. He won’t though. Someone will have promised him early remission. He won’t get it mind you. He had a serious heart attack before trial two.

His knowledge is no longer a threat. His health isn’t great. What’s the betting he dies in prison of natural causes inside the year?

Mr. ? (I’m still not using his name in case he does get out!), You knew Arthur Barton, my late friend. I drank a few beers with you as you were Arthurs friend. I knew many of Arthur’s friends were…shall we say…dodgy?..but many people in Britain have to ‘duck and dive’ merely to survive.

Never the less, you were Arthur’s friend. As was I.

Arthur died a year after the robbery. He knew what you had tried to do to me.

He was ashamed of you.

I suspect you won’t emerge from prison again – and that is a good thing.

There has been a ‘cover up’ but, frankly, I don’t care.

That bastard was a friend of a good friend of mine. I bought him a beer or three and he bought right back.

Then he decided to wear a flesh coloured mask and kill me.

Mind you, my former ‘best mate’ walked a while back.

If I’d gone to trial maybe he wouldn’t have. Guilty? No. He’s a wife and three kids and HE didn’t have a gun.

I’ll never speak to him again but, sometimes, even friends who stop being friends might just stop short of screwing you, or, shooting you.

Maybe next year…or the year after that…I’ll walk in a pub and Roy will be there. Maybe we’ll buy each other a beer and think ‘Oh fuck it! That was then”

I’d like to think I could do that you know. I really liked Roy. I went out ‘on a limb’ for Roy. He probably should have got a written warning but, if I say so myself, I was a bloody good union rep and he walked. No sanction.

I suppose if you’re still here you should find a way to forgive.

Maybe.

So. There you have it. My brush with death. Sadly nowhere akin to Terry Pratchett – although, of course, had the gun worked, it might have been. I am very pleased not to have found out…

Good day to you, and thank you for having the patience to read this long post my friends.

I can honestly say that this is the only time in my life I nearly didn’t have one. That must be a plus? Further posts will be shorter….;-)

More vodka needed.

http://cms.met.police.uk/news/convictions/four_guilty_of_heathrow_robbery

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/article1014977.ece

I leave you with Imogen Heap and ‘Daylight Robbery’.

I freely admit, being an old fart, I have never heard of her, however, regardless of ‘my’ robbery occuring at night, I feel it is somewhat apt…given Great Britain’s dubious reputation of having the most CCTV camera’s in the world.

The (English) Empire will strike back later in the week…with a review of unelected Prime Minister Mad Gordy, Moral High Ground Conservative Call Me Dave Cameron and head of the rather useless party – aka The Liberal Democrats – X-Factor winner Clegg.

Happy Sunday and may the Deity of your choice go with you…

A’ll si thi….

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