You Can Fart At Walmart

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My wife dragged me to Walmart earlier today. Although I do obediently hate Walmart for all it’s corporate evil and stuff, I go there anyway. None of the other discount stores or Mom and Pop places are union either. And I’ve tried to convince several Walmart employees to organize and was told to piss off by them. So screw ’em. I’ll give the Waltons my money and they can pay poor dupes minimum wage and brainwash them into thinking just because they’re called “associates” that Walmart is benevolent and my union wages make me an America hater.

Back to the story. We’re walking through the Walmart aisles and the pangs of flatulence are upon me. Most of us can control this so it comes out discreetly but I had this southwest bacon, bean,egg and cheese bowl for breakfast so this baby is gonna be loud and it’s gonna leave some fierce stink.

So I’m getting some distance between my wife and myself. Plus I’m waiting for an empty aisle to avoid embarrASSment. (pun intended)

Unfortunately this is Walmart and every aisle is full of people looking for low prices. From the looks of most of these people, they needed low prices. They also needed baths and some Old Spice.

After the third aisle I was in pain. I also came to the realization that these Walmart customers don’t care if you fart. They don’t care if you bathe. The Walton family doesn’t care either so what the hell. I let er rip. Two guys in wife beater tank tops gave me high fives and a pair of fat twins offered me their cell phone number.

For ten years I wore myself out trying to convince the downtrodden the benefits of union membership and they hated me. Now because of one well timed fart, I am a hero and sex god.

Hello ladies…

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Carol Bell

Carol is a graduate of the University of Alabama. Her passion is journalism and it shows. Carol is our unpaid, but very efficient, administrative secretary.
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Dennis Teel
13 years ago

i always wanted to play nude twister with my female cousin in the sports section//I’m curious though as to why anyone would believe that all walmarts are the same and that only section 8’rs would shop there.in the town where i live many professional people shop at walmart.people way above the minimum wage class or section 8 class of people.i’m a web designer and make plenty of money and i shop at walmart,as do the pc programmers that i work for,who also make loads of bucks./about ten miles down the road however,there’s a walmart that attracts the illegal alien and the big fat black woman walking around,shopping in her nightgown and bathrobe types of people//funny how the two stores are so different than one another/

as for walmart’s corporate and evil stuff,i shop there for the bargains,not their politics.if i were to not shop at a store due it being a fragment of corporate america,i’d have no place to shop except mom and pop stores.//to limit oneself to shopping only those is bizarre in my opinion,not to mention that it’s limiting a shopper to only a few products compared to ‘corporate american’ stores.well. i gotta go..walmart’s calling me..dvd’s and cd’s for 9 bucks or less./and oh yeah. air freshener./

13 years ago

This many comments for a farting story??? Honestly, if I had been there my reaction would have been the same as Frank’s. Although my reaction isn’t the same as Frank’s just reading a story about it.

I shop at Walmart because they are basically the only game in town. There is another grocery store, but their selection is much smaller and their prices are higher. I don’t go there often.

I pay little attention to the other shoppers when at Walmart, but I don’t recall seeing an over abundance of dudes in wife beaters. I don’t recall ever seeing one, and I live in the South.

Truth 101
13 years ago

The reality of my situation is my farts rarely stink. In fact, for the most part, my shit doesn’t stink.

It’s more of a curse than a blessing.

13 years ago

Hey, when I fart it actually freshens the air. Think of a mixture of lavender and an Alaskan mountain stream. MH will testify to this fact, right? MH??

Reply to  Krell
13 years ago

What God gave Krell in brain cells he deducted from smell receptors.
BTW, those people who swoon at your approach are not being bowled over by your charismatic personality.

However it makes for superior kamikaze fartings at Hellmart and any other place I may need an aisle clear.

Reply to  Krell
13 years ago

Did I mention the woodsy cinnamon undertones?

osori
Reply to  Krell
13 years ago

Kamikaze farting-I love it.

What a concept. Drive-by fartings. Terrorist farting. Remote drone farting. If the whole world would just sign onto the idea.

It would be so nice to see Jews and Muslims eating horrible food then farting in the other’s neighborhood, then going to bed safely at night. Possibly scent-challenged but alive.

osori
13 years ago

My daughters and I’ve got a running joke about not needing to shower or put on clean clothes for Walmart so I appreciate the positive reinforcement here from you guys, I’ve done my job as a parent.

fourdinners first-rate!

Jess
Reply to  osori
13 years ago
osori
Reply to  Jess
13 years ago

sending some of these to my big girl right now. Thanks Jess!

Jess
Reply to  osori
13 years ago

When you have had a few puffs of nature’s bounty or a few drinks, sitting with your friends looking at people of Walmart.com is a sometimes pee in the pants good time for all. I’m just saying, I have heard this, not that I have done it or anything like that. I would not want to be seen as a bad influence or anything 😉

osori
Reply to  Jess
13 years ago

We’ll have to see how this affects the actual kid.If she begins spending too much time there and puffing natures bounty along with it the VK may be sent to her virt room.

13 years ago

I once farted in Sainsburys in Hayes Town. A couple behind me and the wifey were checking out the dog food section.

“We aren’t buying this! It smells horrible!”

I have no idea whether my influence – or possibly effluence – had a bearing on the comment…;-)

13 years ago

ROFLMAO!!

Next time I recommend you go to the sporting goods section and ask someone if they sell “chum” bait. When they look quizzically at you and say, “WTF is chumbait?” you say it is used for sea fishing and smells like THIS (fart on cue). A little comedic timing can be a flatulist’s best friend.

You are right about Frank. Anyone who doesn’t laugh at a fart needs to have their funny bone examined. Guy sounds like such a tight ass that I bet when he farts dogs come running.

If you are serious about being a fart god- I’m pretty sure you could make a name for yourself on the interwebs offering up videos of same (check out my post a few days ago on weird internet perversions).

Did your wife witness this display? If so I bet she balks at dragging you to Hellmart again…

Jess
Reply to  Mother Hen
13 years ago

I have this little fart noise maker dad gave me about a week before he passed away. I carry it in my purse all the time. I will stand at the back of an elevator and once in a while let one rip. The looks on the faces is what I love to see. Everybody kind of just looking in any direction but where the noise is coming from. I swear, if I thought I had siblings and did not know who they were, you would be on the list to come in contact with, to see if we were related. Fart noises are never not funny. Well the one exception, you’re doing a piano recital, ready to sit down and dad in the audience is miming to you, do the underarm fart and laughing with his video camera. He is always talking how stuffy these things are, liven things up J, you know you want to. It did not end well with the maternal rental unit, for both of us, is all I will say.

Reply to  Jess
13 years ago

Ohhhh, it’s the fart maker in your purse huh? Really? Or is that what you just tell everybody? Cmon, fess up!

13 years ago

What made all the more enjoyable was the possibilty an asshole like Frank would walk through the fog.

In fact this sounds like something that happened to Frank. Were you a decent guy and go to the air freshener aisle and get some supplies so others wouldn’t be subject to that which causes you so much grief?

I recommend you contact Dear Maddy and ask where your sense of humor is Frank.

BigHarryH
13 years ago

Frank, obviously have never been in a Wal-Mart restroom.

osori
Reply to  BigHarryH
13 years ago

ROFl Big Harry!

13 years ago

Hey douchebag! Why not just got to the washroom? If you have time to to go up and down three aisles looking for a place to fart you have time to go to the crapper. Every Walmart is the same, crappers at the front and back of the store.

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