The Fog of War: being a parent in the millenial age
Read Time:7 Minute, 9 Second
“Mother is the name for God on the lips and and hearts of all children” -William Makepeace Thackaray
A child’s mother is the first “supreme being” he encounters. It is to she that the child turns for sustenance, warmth and protection. It is arguably one of the most important jobs in the world. Having a baby is easy compared to raising a child to adulthood. The job is so often outsourced to underpaid professionals like teachers, nannies, and daycare, and overpaid influences like television characters and celebrities.
Parenting is one of those topics that people love to sound off about, but unless they have a degree in early childhood education, most don’t contribute much to the conversation except what is reflected in their own experience. Memories can be very selective. Folks who grew up getting their butts whooped with a belt for insubordination are likely to pass on a bit of that demand for respect from their own kids.
There is a school of thought “If it was good enough for me, it is good enough for you.” I have noticed that people feeling this way tend to be pretty conservative, and don’t tend to indulge their kids much. You can almost hear them say, “Kids today have it so easy… I had to walk ___ miles to school in (inclement weather of your choice)” They seem to forget that kids of today often have to pass through a gauntlet of metal detectors to enter their school.
The opposite of this is the parent who wants their kid to have everything they themselves couldn’t have. Progressive parents want to change the world for their children and make it a better place for their grandchildren. Somehow their childhood experiences fell short, and they want to compensate for it by living vicariously through their children, doing or having things they might not have had otherwise. Some of these spoil their kids to a ridiculous extent, and it is the kids who end up making all the rules, as it is just easier to give in to the little tyrant than to listen to the whining. Others just provide opportunities, such as they can, in the hope that the child will be able to make better choices than they made.
There are varying degrees of each type. People who had childhoods so difficult and troubled that they were forced to grow up way too soon never got a chance to enjoy the carefree joys most of us associate with youth. They may never have had a new toy, or a book, or had a sleepover at their home- sometimes because they were too ashamed to have other kids see their house.
But those embarrassed kids had to be mature (in age or just intelligence) to realize what they were missing. Many kids are just too oblivious in their youth to realize that their father’s wallowing in a drunken stupor on the couch for the holiday weekend is not a “normal” occurrence for the rest of their peers. How many of us suddenly had an epiphany around age 12 that “I’m not normal!?” For some of us this might have been a good thing- indeed something to have pride in. But for others it meant simply “not good enough.”
Television, and to a far lesser degree, the internet, has kept that insular quality from most of today’s kids. Now a child whose mom is a rotten-toothed tweeker probably realizes that he is getting a bum deal in the parenting department. The nurturing, homework-helper is not, and may never be present. By the same token, kids of today’s generation realize what a fanciful crock of BS the shows like “Leave it to Beaver” and “My Three Sons” are. These don’t reflect their own lives, and didn’t accurately reflect the lives of the people of the 50’s. No matter how much Glenn Beck may blubber on about the “good old days”, those days were never what he imagined them to be.
This generation gets their news from John Stewart, Steven Colbert, and Fox. Their “shared experiences come from their iphones and their social networking sites. “Reality” and what is important is increasingly dictated by what makes money on TV, by the latest meme on the web.
Yet across all the generations so many kids and adults do not ever have a meaningful, insightful, non-confrontational discussion with their parents. Part of this is due to the death of the sit-down family dinner. A lot is due to the constant “interconnectedness” kids have with peers, and the superficiality of that contact. I’ve seen kids texting each other while they were close enough to speak. Is having an interface really more important than having a real chat with a live person? If you read a text, it looks like a fragment of coded sound bites. No emotion, little information. Like telegram speak- when words cost money and punctuation was optional.
And frankly, I have noticed that as people age, they start becoming afraid of kids. Afraid of what to say, what not to say. Afraid of not being a good example, or afraid of being an example at all. Every moment of contact we have with children is an opportunity to be a role model. If we can’t be genuine with them, what will they grow up to be like? Great politicians, excellent spin doctors, and superficial consumers with no depth of character. Isn’t that what is wrong with the world already?
A parent might be busy with work, and when they are home, simply managing the kids is all they can muster the energy for. No real “relating” goes on. Judging, arbitration, some dictatorial ranting, and perhaps even punishment might occur. Maybe a “teaching moment” will be shared. But how often does a parent open up to a child and let the kid know how they are feeling? Not show, by having a screeching conniption at mud being tracked inside, or bellowing “touchdown” when the quarterback scores, but really speaking their heart about a subject dear to them.
Were you one of the lucky kids who actually knew their biological or adoptive father and grew up with him positively involved with your life? Yeah- my dad and I are close, you might think. But do you really know him? Not just what living with him was/is like. Father’s day comes and goes, and a closetful of ties and wallets are testament to the fact that kids just don’t know their dads well enough to choose a present he really would love. The kids don’t know how to figure him out. They have to wait for him to tell them, a day that may never come until they are grown, and by then they are busy with kids of their own.
It sounds trite to remind people to tell your kids you love them, for any moment may be your (or their- God forbid) last. But how about instilling in them a genuine high regard for their own parent- for you, by being accessible to them, genuine, and open. Share with them who you are, help them be who they are. You want them to share your values, then you need to share yourself.
This can be done at any age, with the level of disclosure geared appropriately to the listener. You wouldn’t, for example, tell your 5 year old about how your boss is an ass-clown, and why. But you could tell her that when you were little like her, your favorite color was red, that you remember the time you broke a toy of your brothers and how angry he was. Your older kids might know your religion or political affiliation, but do they know why you chose it? It only takes a moment to show a child you care by listening, or by sharing.
The most important powerful force in a child’s life from day one is his or her parents. Why we cede that power to religion, electronics and peers is sometimes exhaustion, sometimes fear, sometimes apathy. There are so many demands on our time, so many things competing for attention that it is like living in the “Fog of war”. If through the fog we can only focus on one objective, then let that be our children. It only takes a moment to show a child you care by listening, or by sharing.
If our kids grow up to be decent, contributing members of society, we want them to be that way because of us, not in spite of us.
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Anybody admitting to the name ‘Makepeace’ needs to be kept at arms length….
As in every generation, ever, some folks are attached to one or both parents, some are detached, some are annoyed.
Personally, I am detached. I appreciate them as authoritarian former roommates, and avoid calling them for as long as possible at a time. Mom is stupidly conservative, and Dad has nothing useful to say to me anymore (“i’m praying for you” gimme a break).
If one never individuates from one’s parents, then one can never become a self-thinking human being–and, I think, one could likely never appreciate what the parental units actually did for them.
It always annoyed me when the girls were little and we were at the park, and stray dads would wander over to engage in small talk, assuming I didn’t want to be there either but like them had been stuck with the kid for an hour.
To me it would be awful to look back and think I should have spent more time with my kids. That’s the best thing we can give them, our time. I look back and made plenty of mistakes but at least I tried my best.
For most men faced with an hour of offspring, video games, movies, ANYTHING to distract them from actually having to have a conversation with their kids. Even tossing the football around requires enough physical distance to prevent any heart to heart talking.
Will they regret it? Nobody ever lays on their death bed thinking, “Gosh- I wish I’d spent more time at work,” that’s for sure.
Thanks for reading it. I can tell you are one of the “good dads.” 🙂
Some may lie on the death beds thinking “Gosh-I wish I’d spent more time eating chocolate and farting” though!