What About The Ducks?

Many people consider Tolkien’s ‘Lord Of The Rings’ to be the greatest work of fiction ever written.

‘Many people’ have obviously forgotten The Bible.

Oh eck…Dinners is up and running again….;-)

Now look. I respect anyone’s and everyone’s religious beliefs. I do! Honest!

I am, however, eternally baffled by said beliefs.

Take Christianity for example.

How? I say again, HOW can The Bible be believed when, clearly, there is no consideration regarding the ducks?

“YOU MUST BUILD AN ARK!” said God to Noah.

“Why?” asked Noah, quite reasonably.

“I AM SENDING A FLOOD TO WIPE EVIL FROM THE WORLD” replied God

– now look, I am using a bit of artistic licence here as I wasn’t actually there at the time and my memory of what God and Noah actually said is a bit sketchy but the gist is there….right?

“YOU WILL SAVE TWO ANIMALS OF EVERY SORT FROM THE FLOOD” explained God somewhat enigmatically.

I suspect Noah was puzzled. Save two of every species of animal?

Ok. The flood is to wipe out evil. Only two giraffes can be saved suggesting all other giraffes are evil.

The concept of an evil giraffe is not one I can readily imagine. Can you?

“I will eat all the leaves off the trees…then there will be no more leaves and the other giraffes will die! HAHAHAHAHA!!!”

Alright. We’ll accept the concept of evil giraffes, and cows and gerbils.

Two by two the animals trooped aboard the ark. Two camels, two sheep, two wolves, two of everything.

Noah looks over the side and sees two ducks looking up.

“Oi! You two get up here!”

“Why?” ask the ducks

“Well….there’s going to be a huge fuck off flood!” replies Noah knowledgeably.

“So??” say the ducks, “we’ve swam down here, then we’ll swim up there”

You can see the flaws in this ark business already can’t you?

After the flood Noah peers over the side of the ark and sees hundreds of ducks swimming around.

On that basis the world should be ruled by evil ducks, not to mention swans and geese….

…and fish! What about the fish?

A world ruled by evil fish! Evil ‘Barrel Eye’ Fish – you know – the one’s deep down with the funny lights on their heads…

Two haddock are swimming serenely along…

“Watch out! It’s a car coming at us!”

‘Vavooom!’

“Bloody Barrel Eye Fish!”

So there you have it. Indisputable biblical evidence that either –

A) The Bible is a load of old tosh or,
B) President Obama is a fish.

Later’s and let’s be careful out there….

Ed: This post was originally written by Four Dinners, who is now Norman Rampart, because…well it’s complicated. Β To enjoy more of Norman’s posts click here.

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Posted by on July 13, 2010. Filed under Commentary. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry
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11 Responses to What About The Ducks?

  1. MadMike Reply

    July 13, 2010 at 8:21 am

    LOL! This was good old beaner although I am not sure how President Obama fits into the grand scheme of things. Until that point you had me laughing my ass off πŸ™‚

  2. fourdinners Reply

    July 13, 2010 at 8:31 am

    The Prez rules, therefore, if the bible is correct he is a fish…or possibly a duck.

    Our PM would, under these conditions be, at best, a guppy…;-)

  3. fourdinners Reply

    July 13, 2010 at 8:37 am

    I suppose that would make that odd chap in North Korea plankton?

    • MadMike Reply

      July 13, 2010 at 9:08 am

      I see!! πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ Clear as oil fouled water πŸ™‚

  4. The Lawyer Reply

    July 13, 2010 at 9:32 am

    The Old Testament, and plenty of the newer one are totally baffling and devoid of logic. More a reflection of the times they were written in than the inerrant word of the Creator. Thanks for the laugh.

  5. Randal Graves Reply

    July 13, 2010 at 10:24 am

    Tolkien was sharp enough to put his interminably endless lineages in the appendix, unlike those goofball goat herders.

  6. Infidel753 Reply

    July 13, 2010 at 10:29 am

    Hilarious. You should do this with the rest of the Bible stories.

    The Prez rules, therefore, if the bible is correct he is a fish…or possibly a duck.

    Well, President Bush was a quack…..

  7. Krell Reply

    July 13, 2010 at 11:09 am

    So…Obama is a fish because he is in the water? But doesn’t a duck also live on the water?

    And doesn’t a Duck float?

    But doesn’t wood also float?

    So if… Obama… weighs… the same as a duck,… he’s made of wood?

    Isn’t science grand??

  8. Holte Ender Reply

    July 13, 2010 at 2:20 pm

    What the hell is Gopher wood anyway?

    • barnsley sime Reply

      July 14, 2010 at 7:39 am

      it’s what noah had to do before he could start building the ark.
      gopher wood.

      i’ll get my coat.

  9. NoMoreFaith Reply

    February 5, 2012 at 11:38 am

    You really should credit Eddie Izzard, since you just borrowed his comedy routine. πŸ™‚

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