The top ten signs you are a fundamentalist Christian bible banger

10 – You vigorously deny the existence of thousands of gods claimed by other religions, but feel outraged when someone denies the existence of yours.

9 – You feel insulted and “dehumanized” when scientists say that people evolved from other… life forms, but you have no problem with the Biblical claim that we were created from dirt.

8 – You laugh at polytheists, but you have no problem believing in a Triune God.

7 – Your face turns purple when you hear of the “atrocities” attributed to Allah, but you don’t even flinch when hearing about how God/Jehovah slaughtered all the babies of Egypt in “Exodus” and ordered the elimination of entire ethnic groups in “Joshua” including women, children, and trees!

6 – You laugh at Hindu beliefs that deify humans, and Greek claims about gods sleeping with women, but you have no problem believing that the Holy Spirit impregnated Mary, who then gave birth to a man-god who got killed, came back to life and then ascended into the sky.

5 – You are willing to spend your life looking for little loopholes in the scientifically established age of Earth (few billion years), but you find nothing wrong with believing dates recorded by Bronze Age tribesmen sitting in their tents and guessing that Earth is a few generations old.

4 – You believe that the entire population of this planet with the exception of those who share your beliefs — though excluding those in all rival sects – will spend Eternity in an infinite Hell of Suffering. And yet consider your religion the most “tolerant” and “loving.”

3 – While modern science, history, geology, biology, and physics have failed to convince you otherwise, some idiot rolling around on the floor speaking in “tongues” may be all the evidence you need to “prove” Christianity.

2 – You define 0.01% as a “high success rate” when it comes to answered prayers. You consider that to be evidence that prayer works. And you think that the remaining 99.99% FAILURE was simply the will of God.

1 – You actually know a lot less than many atheists and agnostics do about the Bible, Christianity, and church history – but still call yourself a Christian.

by Harsha Parad

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Posted by on November 7, 2010. Filed under CRITTER TALK. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. Both comments and pings are currently closed.
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28 Responses to The top ten signs you are a fundamentalist Christian bible banger

  1. TwistedScottishBastard

    November 7, 2010 at 3:28 am

    completely agree.

    The only thing that scares me isn’t the hoards of desperate god-botherers, each with their own little world view.

    It’s that maybe, against all the evidence, just maybe one of them is right, and that there is an omniscient, omnipotent being who created everything and everyone.

    Boy, didn’t he/she really fuck everything up, and apparently doesn’t give a shit for anyone.

    • A Michael J. Scott

      November 7, 2010 at 12:33 pm

      The way I see it TSB we might be little more than a virus in the belly of a giant beast 🙂

      • TwistedScottishBastard

        November 7, 2010 at 11:31 pm

        Nice anology MM.

        If true, I hope we give the bastard a bad dose of Rotavirus gut-rot.

  2. Joe (Ayatollah) Hagstrom

    November 7, 2010 at 7:11 am

    On the other hand MadMike, all the God posts seem to get the most traffic here. Or anti God posts.

    God is guiding the hand of Google to your site for a greater purpose. Hopefully that purpose is sending checks to your contributors.

    Go Prosperity Jesus!

    • A Michael J. Scott

      November 7, 2010 at 12:34 pm

      Lol! God does get a lot of play here Joe. My prayers have been answered 🙂

    • C.H. McDermott

      November 8, 2010 at 5:21 pm

      As for sending checks to us contributors, that prayer has yet to be answered. This contributor will not be quitting his day job any time soon. In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, amen.

  3. One Fly

    November 7, 2010 at 7:45 am

    An ass kicking on Sunday morning is always special. I have done my part and satisfied the request of Rapture Prairie Dog above. They went willingly to meet their maker and both parties smiled in joy at the wondrous event.

    • A Michael J. Scott

      November 7, 2010 at 12:35 pm

      Way to go OF!! Happy Sunday and praise the Lord 🙂

  4. osori

    November 7, 2010 at 8:35 am

    Well #9 is me to a “T” but fortunately God is guiding me away from the other ones:)

    Glad the dude didn’t make a belief #11 – “believes the same impregnated Virgin in #6 appeared to Indians in Mexico and is on hella T-shirts in East Los Angeles” or he’d have nailed me on another one!

    • A Michael J. Scott

      November 7, 2010 at 12:36 pm

      I celebrate your lack of numerical superiority O-Man. I keep “praying” that someday you too will be “saved.” 🙂

      • osori

        November 7, 2010 at 1:37 pm

        Well there’s always hope man!

        God willing 🙂

  5. Jean-Paul Gosselin

    November 7, 2010 at 1:41 pm

    The above couldn’t have been a truer statement. That’s exactly the way that Christians think. No reasoning or analyzing capabilities at all.

  6. Don G. Asmus

    November 7, 2010 at 2:10 pm

    You and your viewers might get a kick out of the funny top ten list entitled, “Funniest Facts About Christian Fundamentalists,” found in Index #7 of my website

  7. Jess

    November 7, 2010 at 3:15 pm

    Hmm, does it count if you pray to the porcelain god Ralph one way or the other? I had a talk with him very early this morning and it seems he and I are all good now.

    • osori

      November 7, 2010 at 3:43 pm

      It’s why God gave us menudo Jess M.

      • Jess

        November 7, 2010 at 3:51 pm

        Oh no Oso, I wouldn’t eat that if my very life depended on it. I think I just ate too much last night at a Diwali celebration at a friends house. Too much good food and I was on it, picking stuff up all night long.

  8. TomCat

    November 8, 2010 at 6:16 am

    I’m glad you qualified that with Fundamentalist. 🙂

    • A Michael J. Scott

      November 8, 2010 at 1:00 pm

      Hey Tom!! Always love it when you stop by 🙂

      • TomCat

        November 8, 2010 at 3:11 pm

        Me too! I’ve been busier than a TomCat in a Dawg convention. Sorry it took so long.

  9. Anonymous

    April 16, 2011 at 11:09 am

    ISIAIh 41 BRING forth your IDOLS did they PREACH to you see they can’t speak they can’t DO ANYTHING all they do is cause confusion. spalms 115 and spalms 135 thier IDOLS are FALSE cant speak can’t hear cant smell and those that make them shall become like them. Jeremiah 10 they nail their IDOL down like a scarecrow it can’t move can’……t speak can’t move must be carried these are nothing but the WORK of CON men.john 10 jesus christ sais his sheep hear his voice and another voice thy will not follow and if another person tries to preach to them they WILL FLEE from him. jeremiah 5 the priests bear rule on their own authority what will you do when your judged my word is not inside them. Now here is the kicker john 5 son of man voice goes back in time mathew 16 jesus christ claims to be the son of man.‎1 cor2 mind of CHRIST preached internally and john 16 sais the spirit of truth comes in the future. Ezekiel 13 lying prophets of ISRAEL my word is not inside them saying god sais god sais god sais wrote hoping mankind would CONFIRM their WORDS. all of this is EASILY verifiable

    • J Burgoyne

      May 1, 2011 at 1:20 pm

      Huh?? You wrote unintelligeable nonsense and then you say that it is easily verifiable?

      What is?

      What are you talking about??

  10. Jenny40

    April 16, 2011 at 11:57 am

    What a load of crap this is. Like most of these crazies we have yet another who doesn’t know how to write.

    • J Burgoyne

      April 29, 2011 at 3:40 pm

      Care to give an example of somthing that is poorly written? It is easy to stop by just to insult, not so easy to back it up is it?

  11. John.Bluetooth

    December 11, 2011 at 3:27 am

    I’m not certain I agree but you have the right to say it.

  12. Anynonsensumust

    February 1, 2014 at 10:33 pm

    Consider me a funnymentalist Bible thumper. I’m tired of the boring life of mentally peacefully coexisting with the arguments of atheists, agnostics, and evolutionists. It don’t take no genieus to figger that they didn’t create themselves. Solomon was wiser than the bunch of them but they will never admit it. Jesus was wiser than Solomon and they won’t admit it. They use logic and leaps of faith that deny logic and reality but they will never admit it.

    I’ll just remain a funnymentalist Bible thumper who hopes and prays that y’all will join the rest of us and wise up and receive the best gift anyone has ever offered anyone else: the gift of salvation through Jesus Christ, the Lord. He doesn’t strike down blasphemers but was struck down on behalf of blasphemers and the rest of our fallen race, Bible thumpers included.

    I enjoyed reading the article. I found it rather humorous. Some points have some merit. Others don’t. Brilliant scientists have been devout Christians and others haven’t.

    Faith requires you to believe before you receive. Our puffed up minds don’t like to deal with that. We would rather put our faith in our pea-brained intellects. It is like an ant walking across your path and thinking that everything that exists can’t be any smarter than the ant. Not withstanding, people aren’t ants though admittedly some are aunts and others are uncles. Have I rambled and raved enough for you to say, “Uncle?”

    • Michael John Scott

      February 1, 2014 at 10:36 pm

      Thanks for stopping by man. Hope you come again.