Dear Maddy hates violence, but . . .

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Hello dumplings, hope you all had a good Thanksgiving and you got rid of all the trash in your house and sent them all back to their own homes. My husbands relatives came to us, I won’t let my family near them, drunken pigs. The house was awash with football fans and cheap booze. I feigned a heart-attack and spent a restful two days in the local hospital. Lovely. My mailbag was overflowing this week, so here we go . . .

Dear Maddy – My husband is a real philanderer, I know he cheats on me, not even sure the child I am carrying is his. He is a good provider, but such a liar. How can I deal with this ongoing situation?
Helpless – Horneytown, North Carolina

Dear Maddy says – Oh dear, this is sad and soon to be painful (for your husband). I am sending you (for a small shipping and handling charge of $49.99) a Dear Maddy Tennis Ball®. Squeeze the Dear Maddy Tennis Ball® for several months, you will soon develop a grip like iron. After you’ve got real strength, grab your husband by, what my foul-mouthed husband calls, “his goolies” you will find the soft lumpy flesh much easier to crush than the Dear Maddy Tennis Ball®. It worked for me darling, but if you have no success, sorry no refunds.

– o – o – o – o –

Dear Maddy – I consider myself a good looking woman, men are always asking me out, but I get no commitment from any of them. I really want to get married. Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying.
Aching for love – Fanny, West Virginia

Dear Maddy says – The same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

– o – o – o – o –

Dear Maddy – I am bored out of my brain with everything, my family is boring, my friends do boring things, school is boring, I can’t watch TV for more than 5 minutes, too boring. How can I stop from being bored.
Bored Stiff – Turda, Romania

Dear Maddy says – I have the perfect cure for boredom, it’s called “curiosity” but be careful, once you get curious, I’m afraid there’s no cure.

– o – o – o – o –

Dear Maddy – I am very superstitious. I carry a rabbit’s foot, I never walk on cracks on the sidewalk since my mother blamed me for her back troubles, I eat an apple a day. It is beginning to drive a wedge between my wife and I.
Fingers Crossed – Hold With Hope, Greenland

Dear Maddy says – Don’t you know it’s bad luck to be superstitious?

dear maddy anti cheating tennis balls
How men react when confronted with a Dear Maddy Tennis Ball®


About Post Author

Dear Maddy

I have several graduate degrees and currently have a practice on the East Coast. I love people and enjoy a good sense of humor. Life is never as bad as we make it out to be. It is often much worse.
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13 years ago

[…] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Michael Scott, Holte Ender. Holte Ender said: RT @madmike1 Dear Maddy hates violence, but . . . http://bit.ly/hb5ct2 […]

13 years ago

Violence is extreme fun!!!

…as long as you win…

13 years ago

Dear,dear Maddy,
I think I’m falling in love.
Can you come down to our school and give a practical demonstration of your “tennis ball” technique to the little scrotes I have to teach?

Reply to  Dear Maddy
13 years ago

Dear Maddy,
Wow, coming all the way down here is quite an honour for us. Imagine it, Maddy actually down here in Australasia.

A couple of words of advice however. Please speak to the travel agent who sold you SCUBA diving holiday in Alice Springs, and if I were you, I would take along my “tennis balls”….Alice Springs is in the middle of the desert. When we were there 6 months ago it was wet. They had about 2” rain that month. The most rain they’ve had in 20 years.

The other advice is regarding your safety. Australian men do not like being told what to do by women. If you try your usual style, you run the danger of being hog-tied and ending up an a barbie. Be warned. Keep quiet.

Reply to  TwistedScottishBastard
13 years ago

LOL LOL LOL!

13 years ago

Dear Maddy…

The first letter seems to be quite flawed in it’s logic. The woman claims that the husband is cheating but then she states that she’s not even sure the child that she’s carrying is his?

I propose that the advise given should not be a “tennis ball” squeezing method but more of a ho-listic nature.

Reply to  Krell
13 years ago

I noticed that, too. I question Maddy’s womanhood.

13 years ago

I nominate Maddy for Supreme Ruler of the Known Universe.

Reply to  C.H. McDermott
13 years ago

I’m not sure about that, she scares the crap outta me.

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